


Blue Neighbourhood

by gotsichi7



Category: GOT7
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Alcohol Mentions, Implied Mental Issues, Jinyoung has some sort of self esteem issue, M/M, Markjin, Other pairings if you squint, Smut, Underage Drinking, actor jinyoung, also unnecessary scenes of fluff, and jinyoung smokes?, angsty slice of life Markjin AU that no one asked for, composer jaebum, entertainer jackson, hyungline BFFs, markjin bff, somehow alcohol is a common theme, the tags are a mess because so am i, troye sivan x markjin crossover no one asked for too, unnecessary swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-08-16 17:01:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 43,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8110345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gotsichi7/pseuds/gotsichi7
Summary: Jinyoung lived in his own bubble until Mark came around and reminded him how precious friendship was. The bond they had was beyond any friendship Jinyoung had ever made which made Mark special to him. But school was coming to an end and after graduation, there was no telling where everyone would end up. Life threatened to break that bond or rather seperation made them realize just how special their bond was. The relationship of Mark and Jinyoung based off of the Troye Sivan album, Blue Neighbourhood.





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. This is the first time i'm writing for this fandom. This fic is heavily inspired by the album Blue Neighbourhood by Troye Sivan. Each chapter is the name of a song from the album. I expect at least 14 chapters, with about at least 1k+++ wordcount.  
> So this fic is basically a series of songfics i have been itching to write ever since i heard the album. It's angsty, just as the album is. Give the whole album a listen. honestly it's so good. 
> 
> also crossposted on AFF

“Jinyoungie”

Jinyoung broke his gaze from the moonlit table at the side of his room to look at the silhouette of Mark’s face. Both of them are sprawled carelessly on Jinyoung’s single bed, the shared pillow leaving little space between their heads. Mark resonates with the silence of the night despite only just breaking it to call his name. Jinyoung wondered if Mark was still waiting for his acknowledgement but he decides against saying anything and continued to stare at the outline of Mark’s face in the darkness.

Mark was focused on drawing patterns into the air above him; his fingers vigorously scribbling as if he was writing in the air. Jinyoung immediately understood that Mark was writing his letter – the letter he writes to himself every day. He has been writing for quite awhile and Jinyoung understand why – today is a special day.

“Are you going to miss this place?” Mark finally says and Jinyoung thinks about the answer carefully. In his heart he feels very bittersweet. Graduating from high school was meant to be a happy thing. He didn’t have to study mathematics and biology (ugh) ever again. He didn’t have to follow ridiculous school rules, like no hand phones and curfews and have his freedom back. Yet, his heart feels heavy leaving this room, the room that has been his for most of his schooling years. Jinyoung stares at the leftover tape on his walls where his favourite movie posters used to hang.

“I think I am,” Jinyoung said quietly, looking back at Mark who expectantly eyes at him. “Are you?”

Mark shuffled slightly so he is facing Jinyoung better. “I think out of this whole school, I’m going to miss this room the most,”

Jinyoung chuckles at Mark’s statement. “But this is my room, Mark. Not yours!”

Mark laughs as he sits up and crosses his legs. “But most of my best memories in this school were here with you,”

Jinyoung nods with a stupid smile plastered on his face. Mark was right. Most of their days were spent in this room. Mark’s dorm room was just a floor below; he barely slept or lived there. Jinyoung even emptied one of his drawers so Mark could put his change of clothes there. The attic room was small and slightly stuffy but it had its perks – the small en suite bathroom (which is pretty shit, but beats sharing with other students any day), the small window with a view of the whole school, and of course, the privacy that Jinyoung enjoyed a bit too much.

Albeit Mark, Jinyoung had the room all to himself. And thanks to his good reputation in the school, he never had to change rooms throughout his whole stay (excluding the first year, but Jinyoung would like to push that memory far away).

“In the future, we won’t be able to live together like this,” Mark’s voice trailed off as he said it. Jinyoung felt bitter thinking about it too. Since the very first day Mark arrived, he had stuck to Jinyoung’s side. It’ll be hard to imagine a life where Mark is miles away.

“Do you remember how we first became friends?” Mark played with the sleeves of his oversized sweater as the words leave his mouth. Jinyoung looked at Mark almost accusingly and Mark picked up his expressions immediately. “Don’t look at me like that Jinyoungie. I remember it exactly; I’m just asking if you do,”

=====================

hello, this is only an introduction to the introduction. think of it as a teaser. i promise to post tomorrow 

<3


	2. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a series of drabbles(?) describing MarkJin's friendship
> 
> wordcount: 4k++
> 
>  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i said each chapter would be the a song. this chapter is a prologue because i couldn't bare the thought of not having a good background for the story. so after this chapter, all the chapters will be inspired by the songs. hehe. sorry but i hope you guys like it
> 
> also if u guys want to talk to me, find me on [tumblr](http://gotsichi7.tumblr.com/) talk to me about markjin. talk to me about got7. whatever you want >.

 

** First Meeting **

Jinyoung stared at the boy in front of him from head to toe. The other had interrupted his routine reading session at the school entrance bench to ask for directions to the principal’s office. His striking red hair highlighted the red patches of sunburn on his tanned skin. As he stumbled on his words he licked his lower lip, probably a habitual nervous reaction to talking to strangers, his hands were waving in mid air as if he was trying to catch the words he wanted to express.

“Do... d-do you speak English?”

Jinyoung blinked at the boy. The English words spilling from his mouth were fluent; he must have not been Korean. Jinyoung contemplated his answer. He doesn’t like speaking in English; he hates thinking of how his pronunciation would sound to this native speaker. There was a reason his only friend was Jaebum, a Korean. Jinyoung folded the edge of the page of the book he was reading and collects his school coat that had been neatly placed on the bench where he was interrupted.

He was going to show this boy where the principal’s office was. He had asked Jinyoung and Jinyoung was going to help him. He just doesn’t want to speak in English.

Jinyoung takes a few steps towards the familiar entrance of his school. He had each corridor memorized and showing the other where the principal’s office was no big deal. He turned to see the red-head still frozen at the spot where he stood just staring at him, mouth slightly ajar from bewilderment, and Jinyoung feels like a fool.

He was caught in his thoughts again. He had forgotten to tell the boy to follow him. _This is why I don’t have friends._

Since Jinyoung doesn’t want to say a word in English, he waves the boy over – hoping he understood the gesture. To Jinyoung’s relief, he complies with no questions.

~+~

 

 

** Fly Boy **

Jinyoung was usually immersed in his books but recently he is quite distracted. On a normal day, no one even spared glances at him – they know that Jinyoung was never one to be friendly; he was predictable and blended in very well with the school walls. He isn’t popular with the other students; he doesn’t really have any friends.  Being class vice president was only due to Jaebum’s stubbornness, Jinyoung couldn’t decline and the fact that Jinyoung wouldn’t mind it on his school records. Jaebum was his only friend, though it could only be because Jaebum is friends with everyone. Even though, Jinyoung is boring.

Not that Jinyoung thought he was boring.

But that was against the point. He was distracted. The new boy was constantly staring holes into his skulls whenever they cross paths. The other didn’t make it a point to be discreet about it. He was probably the most obvious person Jinyoung has ever met.

_Mark Tuan._ Jinyoung had learned the name of the new boy from the rumours spreading in the school. It was a few weeks later when Jinyoung hears of the story of fly boy – Mark Tuan, the boy who flew after scoring a 3-point hoop in physical education. He earned that nickname and now everyone wants to be his friend – the American red-head who can fly. Mark had a flare to his presence; he demanded attention when he entered the room with his handsome looks and striking hair. And yet, Mark Tuan didn’t say much, giving off the mysterious aura. If there were girls in this school, Mark would have been flocked by them. Jinyoung got the appeal but alas, Jinyoung wasn’t everyone.

All he wanted was to know the reason Mark looked at him with too much intensity like Jinyoung owed him money. Was he offended at how wordless Jinyoung was the first time they met? Hadn’t Jinyoung led him to the principal’s office? Hadn’t he been courteous enough?

Jinyoung just couldn’t figure it out.

But in situations like these Jinyoung does what he knows, he ignores it. It wasn’t easy to ignore him because Mark Tuan was always looking at him, and other people were starting to notice. And yet Jinyoung avoided eye contact at all cost, stared at his book – even though he wasn’t even reading it.

“Park Ji-nyeonggg”

Jinyoung was startled to hear his name mentioned so suddenly. He looks up and he was even more surprised to see Mark Tuan standing in the door frame of the lounge where Jaebum was holding his ‘get-together’. Jinyoung was supposed to mingle. It was the main reason Jaebum had invited him. However, the appeal of just slipping away to the outside bench was too tempting, especially since he hadn’t been able to read much thanks to his ‘distraction’.

Mark looked just as surprised as Jinyoung. Even though, he was the one who had initiated the conversation. There was a moment of silence where Jinyoung just stared at the lanky figure in the doorway, trying to comprehend the situation.

“Fly boy,” Jinyoung squeaked, immediately regretting it.

_I should just leave._

And he does as fast as his feet could take him without breaking into an embarrassing run.

~+~

 

 

 

** Ice-Breaking **

Jinyoung doesn’t know how the interactions with Mark had progressed to this. Mark had always made it a point to greet Jinyoung with that cute Jinyeong call of his, in which Jinyoung replies with his weak attempt of sounding cool, fly boy. But somehow it had become something more.

Jinyoung had got up to do his usual before school routine – get up, get ready, walk to his bench at the school entrance and read his book. Today however, he had found Mark sitting there with a skateboard playing by his feet.

“Fly boy,” Jinyoung had surprised himself as the words leave his mouth. He had broken the routine. Mark always initiated conversations, he just replied them.

_Ugh, what did I just do?_

 Mark looked up at him and smiled.

“You are early,” Mark said in English causing Jinyoung’s stomach to curl. _Should I just talk to him?_

“Are you here to read?” Mark stood up and picked up his skateboard, promptly allowing Jinyoung to reclaim his bench. His face was slick with sweat, his bangs sticking to his forehead as he looked at Jinyoung waiting for a reply.

Jinyoung nodded but doesn’t move from the spot he stood in.

“You don’t speak much, do you?” Mark remarked causing Jinyoung to erupt into laughter.

“Why? Why? Why?” Mark burst loudly and Jinyoung was a little shocked at Mark’s sudden loudness.

“From what I hear, you don’t say much either,” Jinyoung said carefully.

“Ah... so you do speak in English,” Mark stated as he spun the skateboard with his feet playfully. “I thought you couldn’t understand me.”

“I do. I just prefer to speak in Korean,” Jinyoung sits on his bench. “I’m not good at English.”

“No, I don’t think so.” Mark smiled so widely. It was almost like he was silently laughing. “Your pronunciation is so much better than half of the people in my class,”

~+~

 

 

 

** Serious **

“Why are you even friends with me?” Jinyoung was lying on his bed, eyeing Mark on the floor of his room. Mark was sitting crossed-legged on the floor, his Korean language notes messily scattered around him; his eyes focused on his notebook on his lap.

It was a question that had bothered Jinyoung because in Jinyoung’s perspective they were an unlikely pair. They both didn’t speak much, they had little in common, Mark had barely anything to say but his personality was fun and adventurous. Jinyoung, on the other hand, had no greed for adventure nor was he fun. He was simply, boring Jinyoung. The only reason Jinyoung had welcomed Mark into his bubble was that; Mark made him feel comfortable with himself. But what was Mark’s reason?

“You have a room on your own thanks to your boring vice president duties, which I can crash as I please,” Mark mumbled, his eyes not leaving his notebook for even a second.

“I’m serious, Mark,” Jinyoung said rolling his eyes. Mark finally looked up at Jinyoung with a smirk plastered on his face.

“Jinyoungie, you are always serious, _too serious_ ,” Mark remarked mockingly, mixing his native language with his newly learnt language.

Jinyoung lets out a frustrated sigh as he swiftly gets off his bed to tackle Mark aiming to hit the guy.

~+~

 

 

 

** Lucky **

“Thank you,” Jinyoung whispered breaking the silence that surrounded them.

Jinyoung had cried when he got the news that he hadn’t gotten the part he had auditioned for the school play. Of course, he had tried to hide his sulking from Mark, but Mark knew him a little too well. Jinyoung was about to get in bed when Mark had appeared at his door – just when Jinyoung thought Mark didn’t want to sleepover like he usually does. Mark had a black snapback on his head, the colour contrasting his red hair, a backpack loosely slung on one shoulder and a bright smile across his face. “Get ready, we are going to sneak out.”

If it had been any other day, Jinyoung would have heavily protested. He was after all, a good boy, an excellent student. But this wasn’t any other day. He felt the world, this school, had betrayed him. He deserved that role; he had worked so hard for it. Jinyoung was feeling rebellious. Without a second thought, he had followed Mark. They climbed the school gate and left for a nearby park.

“Why are you thanking me?” Mark said, his Korean stumbling slightly.

“For being here with me and for doing this for me,” Jinyoung looked at the boy sat next to him on the swing. His eyes were watching the moonlight catch on Mark’s seemingly glimmering brown eyes. “You didn’t have to, but I’m really thankful,”

“You know, when you get upset you can always lean on me,” their eyes meet as Mark spoke and even though the park is dimly lit, Jinyoung thinks Mark’s small smile lit him up. “I’m here. I’m your friend. The way I see it, I’m your best friend. I’ve got your back,”

“I know.”

“It kind of hurt my feelings when you tried to hide your disappointment. I tell you everything, don’t I? For once, I could have been there for you the way you have been there for me. But you never came to me,” Mark wore a thoughtful face which Jinyoung thinks is only a facade to conceal the true depth of his hurt.

Jinyoung sighed at the heavy feeling of guilt. Jinyoung was selfish; he was still not used to having to consider others in his actions. All the years of only fending for himself had made him forget about others. _Selfish idiot._

“Hyung, I’m sorr-ry...” Jinyoung pouted, his shoulders wiggling as he clasps his hand together in attempt of coaxing Mark. He doesn’t usually pull out his aegyo but he felt it would easily lighten up the mood.

“Yahh, now you want to call me hyung,” Mark says scornfully but a smile still creeping on his face. Jinyoung held in his laughter with a hand covering his mouth.

“Do you want to get some ice cream?” Jinyoung said catching Mark’s hand in his. “We can get whatever you want, I’m paying,”

The smile on Mark’s face grew wider.

Jinyoung felt lucky; lucky that Mark was with him.

~+~

 

 

 

** Invited **

“Where is Mark?” Jinyoung could feel his blood boil when he heard the same question asked to him for the 5th time that day. He glared at Jaebum who had a pulled the chair next to him. Jinyoung was enjoying the cold air of the library, trying his hardest to concentrate on his biology notes and tune out the rest of the world before he was rudely interrupted by Jaebum.

“How would I know?” Jinyoung said in between gritted teeth. If he had to hear one more person ask him where Mark was, his fist would fly. He was having trouble looking for a place he wouldn’t bump into Mark since the morning. He didn’t need a reminder of just how hard it is to avoid the other.

“Did you guys fight or something?” Jaebum asked. Jinyoung is a second away from throwing his notes at Jaebum.

“Please go bug someone else,” Jinyoung pleaded.

“So you did?” Jaebum has a nasty smirk on his face. “What happened?”

Jinyoung groaned loudly. He really doesn’t want to talk about this. He really doesn’t care about Mark. All he wants is some peace and quiet where no one will disturb him. Maybe he should just go back to his room and pray to god that Mark doesn’t come knocking on his door.

“Park Jinyoung!” A loud shout from the library entrance echoed the whole building. Jinyoung wants to melt into the floor when he sees Jackson running towards him. The librarian was eyeing his every step as he walked in, her gaze dangerous despite Jackson bowing apologetically at her.

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere!” Jackson said when he finally reached the table where Jinyoung and Jaebum were sitting at. His voice was still a little bit too loud for the library despite already being warned by the librarian.

“Why?” Jaebum interjected before Jinyoung could ask the exact same question.

“Mark won’t tell me why you and him are fighting. You’ll tell me, won’t you?” Jackson said with a playful smirk plastered on his face. Jinyoung dared a glance at Jaebum who was mirroring Jackson’s expression.

_Ugh, why do I have such meddling friends?_

“I’m leaving,” Jinyoung announced as he loudly pushed his chair back causing a sound to resonate through the whole library. Everyone was now staring at them.

_Great. Now the whole school knows I’m fighting with Mark._

“Yah. I just got here,” Jackson whined. Jinyoung can hear him and Jaebum trailing behind him as he exits the library.

“Jinyoung-ah, stop. This is ridiculous.” Jaebum called as he finally lands a firm grip on Jinyoung’s shoulder. Jinyoung doesn’t have to turn to face him to know that the other was out of breath just from chasing him. He fights the urge to laugh at Jaebum.

Jinyoung turns himself to face his annoyingly meddling best friends, making sure they see the exaggerated eye roll he did. “What do you guys want?”

“What happened?”

“Nothing did,” Jinyoung lied. Obviously something had.

“That is the fattest lie you have ever told. You guys are usually attached by the hip and now you are avoiding him like a plague,” Jackson said poignantly.

“What has that got to do with you, Jackson?”

 “Mark woke me for breakfast at 7 a.m. because he wasn’t going to ask you! My beautiful sleep cut short,” Jackson whined with an expression that looked like he was about to cry. Saturday mornings were usually the only chance Jackson had to sleep in since Sunday morning he woke up early for fencing practices.

“That’s not my fault. It’s Mark’s,” Jinyoung spat. He really disliked talking about this in such a public hallway. People were staring at them.

“That’s not the point” Jaebum said sternly. “Stop being a brat and just tell us so we can help you guys make up.”

“I am not a brat!” Jinyoung said a little too loudly which echoed through the hallways.

“Jeez,” Jaebum said finally letting go of Jinyoung’s shoulder. “Chill,”

“I’m not a brat,” he grumbled more quietly. “If you guys want to know what happened. Ask that brat Mark. He’s the brat. Not me,”

Jinyoung turned on his heel to make an exit. However he stopped dead in his tracks when he saw a familiar red head standing in front of him.

_Ugh, just the person I want to avoid._

“Park Jinyoung,” Mark said. His face was serious. And Jinyoung doesn’t like it when Mark is serious because Jinyoung was always the serious one. Mark was always the quiet one. “We need to talk.”

Jinyoung felt Jaebum tap his shoulder as he left with a whiny Jackson in tow. Jackson would have loved to stay to watch the drama. The curiosity of not knowing the reason of their argument was already gnawing his mind. But Jaebum wasn’t about to let that happen. Jaebum knew better.

Jinyoung watched as Mark approached him. His expression was stony as if trying to conceal any emotion. Honestly, this was their first proper fight and Jinyoung doesn’t know what to expect.

Mark was usually predictable.

But ever since Jinyoung had argued yesterday, they had stayed apart and suddenly, Jinyoung isn’t so sure what Mark felt. He should probably be the one to apologize but Jinyoung was too wrapped up in wanting Mark to approach him first to even admit he was in the wrong. Call it denial or whatever, he wasn’t going to find Mark. Mark had to find him.

Jinyoung followed Mark to the bench at the entrance of the school. Jinyoung’s favourite reading spot. It had been their go to hang out spot when the library was too cold and the cafeteria was too packed. Perfect place for some privacy.

“So, what do you want?” Jinyoung’s asked with a hard expression.

“Why are you so mad at me?” Mark asked desperately and Jinyoung had to try his best to put on his most annoyed face.

“I am not mad at you,”

“Then what is this? Why are you this way?”

Jinyoung contemplates telling the truth. His pride was on the line. Jinyoung was known for being petty but he doesn’t want to utter the truth. It’s stupid really.

It was stupid that he was irrationally mad at Mark for staying over at Bambam’s room the night before. Mark had always slept in his room. Mark had always told him if he wasn’t sleeping over. But he didn’t that night and Jinyoung had waited all night for Mark. It was irrational that he did wait for Mark. It was irrational that Mark wouldn’t have known he would be waiting. It was irrational that he was staring daggers at Bambam when they crossed paths.

It was stupid because Mark could do anything he wants. Mark could be friends with anyone he wants. Jinyoung should have been fine with Mark staying over at Bambam’s for one night. It was no big deal. But it was. And that was stupid.

“Look, I’m sorry...” Mark mumbled, he ruffled his hair in somewhat frustration.

“You don’t even know why you are sorry,” Jinyoung hated how poisonous it sounded. He didn’t intend it to be.

“No, I know what I am sorry for. I was just- I was just thinking how I was always the one to find you,” Mark stuttered. His words leaving his mouth in small mumbles but Jinyoung could hear it clearly. “You never invited me over and I was suddenly worried if I was... if I was annoying to you,”

_Annoying?_

“I follow you around everywhere and we’ve been spending all our time together. I was thinking maybe you wanted to be alone for some time,”

“What the fuck are you on, Mark Tuan?” Jinyoung could feel a comical surge in him from the whole situation. Was Mark Tuan suddenly _insecure_? “Where the fuck did all this come from?”

 “You never seemed to look for me. I was always the one looking for you. I was always the one following you. And I was starting to wonder if I was forcing my friendship on you,” Mark looked at Jinyoung with an uncertain expression. “Because you never looked for me,”

 “Here I was thinking I was ridiculous for feeling jealous of Bambam” Jinyoung said between giggles.

“You were jealous?”

“And you are insecure.” Jinyoung remarked, rolling his eyes. “If you are going to sleep over at someone else’s room just give me a heads up next time. I was waiting up all night,”

“You waited?” Mark was now smiling brightly. Jinyoung hated him.

Jinyoung got up from his seat and started walking towards the school building. He could hear Mark following him.

“And Mark,” Jinyoung called.

“Hmm,”

“You are invited to follow me around for the rest of my life,”

Mark laughed.

\---=---                  

 

 

** Okay **

“Listen to me, Jinyoungie,” Mark begged as he banged on Jinyoung’s door. “Please let me explain. Open this door!”

Jinyoung knew he was being stupid. There was no need for him to sulk and shut Mark out this way. Though, Jinyoung was who he was, he wanted Mark to know he was upset. He was being pathetic, and yet he had no intentions of readjusting himself.

_But it’s not even his fault._

“Jinyoungie?” Mark voice sounded tired. Mark surely knew how to chew on his conscience.

Jinyoung walked to the door, unlocked it and quickly sat back on his bed. The last thing he wanted was to let Mark look into his eyes and cheer him up in a second. Jinyoung is petty and he knows it.

Mark sat next to Jinyoung on the bed and gently placed his hand on Jinyoung’s back. “I had been meaning to tell you,” Mark paused as he took in a deep breath. “But everything wasn’t a sure thing until now.”

“Jackson knew all of this and you didn’t even tell me a single thing,” Jinyoung said. He knew he was pouting, he didn’t want to pout; but he just knew it was happening.

“Seriously?” Mark exclaimed. “You know how Jackson is. He wouldn’t have cared if I moved to Mars.”

Jinyoung finally let his eyes meet Mark’s gaze. Mark’s expression was a cross of guilt and frustration.

“Look, I’m sorry you ended up finding out this way. I wanted to tell you personally but I kept chickening out, alright,” Mark took off his cap and ran his fingers in his hair. Mark was nervous, Jinyoung could tell. “Can’t you just forget what you heard? Can I get a redo to make it alright again?”

Jinyoung stared at Mark. His emotions were still overwhelmed from the news that he couldn’t respond to the others questions. All he could do was stare at him.

“Jinyoung-ah, my parents have moved back to LA. When we graduate in a few months, I’ll be moving back to LA too,” Mark sighed. He let his eyes meet Jinyoung’s gaze, lifting his arms to drape it around Jinyoung’s shoulders, pulling the other into a side hug. “We still got a few months, so you can be sad about it later ok. Besides, it won’t be that easy to throw me out. I’ll bug you every day. I promise.”

“Yah, Jinyoung, why are you crying?”

Jinyoung felt like his body had betrayed him as his tears rolled down his cheeks. Mark was immediately crushing him into a hug, the elder’s hands rubbing his back in attempts of consoling him, but Jinyoung thinks it’s only making it worse.

“I knew it would upset you but I didn’t realize you would end up crying,” Mark mumbled into the hug. “I’m sorry, Jinyoung,”

Mark fell silent as Jinyoung slowly felt his tears turn into sobbing. Jinyoung thinks he would have still cried even if Mark had told him upfront – maybe less sobbing, but tears nonetheless.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Jinyoung cried. He knew he was probably an ugly sight to see at the moment. But he was with Mark. He could say anything and Mark would never judge him.

“I felt it would hurt you... I didn’t know for sure, but I felt it would hurt you a lot. I couldn’t bring myself to say it to you,” Mark stammers as he looked sort of embarrassed at the words he was saying. “But now, I just made it worst from hiding it. I’m sorry, Jinyoung.”

“It’s okay,” Jinyoung said as he started wiping his tears with the back of his hand. He was trying to calm himself, though a million thoughts still ran through his mind. He just didn’t like the feeling of making Mark feel bad. The guilt was killing him. Jinyoung sighed when his sobs finally subsided, his body lying limp in an awkward mix of sitting and lying down but he is too upset to adjust into a comfortable position.

“Jinyoungie...”

Jinyoung turned his head to look at Mark, who had found a comfortable position, his back leaning on the headboard of the bed, his legs stretched out on the bed. Mark patted his lap as Jinyoung stared at him. “Come here,” he whispered.

Jinyoung doesn’t think much as he shuffled towards the other, his head immediately finding a comfy spot on Mark’s lap. The moment he settled down, Mark ran his fingers in Jinyoung’s hair, slowly and soothingly, untangling the mess in Jinyoung’s head. Jinyoung might just fall asleep from the comfort he felt.

“I’m sorry, Jinyoung,”

Jinyoung’s eyes fluttered open, his eyes immediately meeting Mark’s. Mark had a soft expression on his face, but his eyes led on the guilt trapped in his mind. Mark’s eyes always betrayed his true feelings. Something Jinyoung felt was either a blessing for their friendship, or a curse.

“I really treasure the memories we have together. It’s sad that it will come to an end,” Jinyoung said solemnly; His voice raw from sobbing. A smirk carved on Mark’s face.

“It’s not going to end, Jinyoung,” Mark is chuckling uncontrollably, his words spilling between laughter. “Why are you always so negative?”

Jinyoung pouted. Mark was teasing his negative tendencies again. The other always found ways to lighten his weaknesses – make it seem like Jinyoung’s weaknesses were a joke. “I am not negative,”

“Ahh, how did I end up being such good friends with such a serious and negative person?”

“Yahh,” Jinyoung hit Mark squarely on the chest. “Stop making fun of me,”

“Okay, I’ll stop if you stop being a gloomy lump of sadness. I’m still here now and me moving away is not the end of the world,”

“I am not a gloomy lump of sadness,”

“We’ll make it ok,”

Jinyoung stared at Mark who was smiling his signature charming smile.

_Okay._

 


	3. Youth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "My youth is yours" is what Jinyoung is trying to tell Mark; subtly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guys like it <3 i did a moodboard for this chapter. it's [here](http://gotsichi7.tumblr.com/post/150862707490/moodboard-markjin-youth-a-moodboard-for-blue) if u wanna check it out

Jinyoung thinks it’s stupid. It’s stupid how it is the last weekend of their schooling days and Jackson had decided to bring them here; to a stupid house party. Jinyoung is no social butterfly. He fits very perfectly into the average category – boring, dull and simply easily ignorable. He has a very cold facade that he can never leave behind when he is meeting with strangers because he is an awkward mess. Out of all the things he could be doing (sleep especially), he was at a house party, where he knows no one but Jackson, Jaebum and Mark. The worst part was none of them were anywhere to be found. He was alone, out of his element on a very important stretch of his youth.

Jinyoung groaned as he continued to stare into the pink and blue lighting that overcast the whole house. If he wasn’t so pissed at being abandoned, he would have enjoyed the dreamy ambience – the master bed holding up a blanket fort filled with plush toys, the hallways lit with colourful fairy lights, and the kitchen seemingly green from the lazily hung green plastic paper and the light sound of music blaring from the basement. The house was filled with interesting trinkets and gadgets that caught the attention of the teen party-goers.

Jinyoung stood by the doorframe, his body leaning onto the wall behind him as he took in the smell of alcohol and smoke in the air. Most of the people dancing in the middle of the room looked either younger or his age. And even Jinyoung wasn’t legal yet. To Jinyoung, the smell in the air was only trouble. He could feel the pit of his stomach twist with uneasiness of the thoughts running through his mind.

They were pulling too many offenses for one night; escaping their boarding school to go to a house party that they weren’t even invited to and partake in underage drinking. Jinyoung wouldn’t complain about the free booze though, he enjoyed the thrill of drinking especially given the circumstances of how significant the night is – or rather supposed to be. He would prefer to enjoy this night in the company of his friends who are still very annoyingly missing.

“I like your bomber jacket,” a soft voice suddenly shook him awake from his thoughts. Jinyoung’s eyes followed the girl who had just leaned into his personal space to whisper in his ear. She had a small body frame, short black hair framing her round face and a rather cute short dress on but her eyes showed an overwhelming confidence that made Jinyoung feel intimidated.

“Thank you,” he muttered as he glanced at the pastel blue bomber jacket that he had gotten from a thrift shop a few weeks back. It was cheap and Jinyoung adored how it gave the illusion he was well built. He wouldn’t want to think about the possibility that someone had died in it since it’s probably a really old article of clothing but it made Jinyoung feel fashionable. Not that he was ever going to admit that he was indeed ‘hip’.

The girl in front of him smiled slyly as she ran her fingers on the material of the jacket he was wearing; the shiny surface of his jacket wrinkling following her touch. Jinyoung felt himself freeze under the gaze of the stranger in front of him, the closeness making him feel queasy. He doesn’t really know how to deal with strangers; he is awkward, he has always been awkward.

“Jji-nyeongie~” A shrill voice pierces his ears as Jinyoung felt as if he would fall flat on the floor from the mere force of someone leaning on him, arms tight around his shoulder. Jinyoung looked up, slightly relieved to see a familiar face. “Made friends?” Mark cooed at the girl, who was now standing awkwardly in front of them. Her face suddenly red as if she had been caught doing something naughty.

Jinyoung smiled softly at her as he hastily dragged his friend away into the slightly emptier hallway; very glad to grab the chance to leave the cringe-worthy social experience. “Are you drunk, Mark?”

Mark pouted. “I just had a bottle of beer. Honestly, I am fine. Probably a bit tipsy, but fine.” Mark shouted slightly to overcome the blaring music that was now starting to get louder as they came closer to the basement. Jinyoung stared at the red-headed boy in front of him, his eyes carefully scanning the other for signs of drunkenness.

“Do you wanna go?” Mark leaned in so closely that his lips grazed Jinyoung’s ears. Jinyoung only chuckled; he had a few retorts that could easily make those words uncomfortable for Mark. But he is too lazy to talk over the music. Thus, he led Mark out the house to the poorly lit alleyway.

The alley way was silent unlike the house they had just left; the music seemingly lost as the front door closes. He watched Mark stumble to follow him, a goofy smile plastered on his face.

“I am not drunk, I promise,” Mark bemused causing Jinyoung to just smile. Mark leaned his body weight on Jinyoung, his head nicely nested on Jinyoung’s shoulder. “Jinyoungie, let go for a walk. I need a walk.”

Jinyoung laughed softly. Mark had probably just realized he was not as sober as he thinks he is. Jinyoung wants to tease Mark but it’ll probably be much more fun to tease Mark in the morning when Mark can fully understand his teasing. Jinyoung placed Mark’s arm over his shoulder and let his arm loosely dangle on Mark’s side; Mark may need assistance to walk.

“Do you wanna stop by a convenience store for snacks?” Jinyoung asked softly watching Mark’s sleepy expression. _It may also help with sobering you up a little._

\---[]---

 “Ah, we used to go here all the time!” Mark beamed as he made a bee line to the swing in a playground they had been walking to. Jinyoung burst into laughter watching Mark carelessly throw his snacks aside to sit on the swing. He could still feel the lingering calm effect of the alcohol in him. His thoughts not exactly gathered as he sat crossed legged on the floor not far from the swings.

  _In normal circumstances, this would be a little disgusting._

Jinyoung munched quietly as he watched Mark swing himself; Mark occasionally letting out amused giggles. The playground was deserted and serene, aside from Mark on the swings. Jinyoung loved this scene so much better than the one before.  The silent night filled with his own thoughts and the presence of Mark, a significant presence in his life, rather than a party full of people he doesn’t know. Jinyoung just hoped Mark doesn’t suddenly vomit.

 "Yah don't finish everything," Mark said as he jumped off the swing plopping himself next to Jinyoung. He snatched the crisps in Jinyoung’s grasp and greedily shoved a handful crisps in his mouth. Jinyoung held in his laughter as he watched Mark make a fool of himself.

"Hyung," Jinyoung started, his gaze doesn't leave the other's face. "I've always wondered how we became close."

 Mark froze; his mouth still full of crisps, eyes trained on Jinyoung. "You mean how we met? Didn't I approach you to ask about where the principal's office is?"

Jinyoung held a hand over his mouth to cover his laughter as he thought of the awkward encounter they had on Mark’s first day of school. Mark had approached him during his morning reading session by the school entrance bench; his English fluent as he asked directions to the office.

"What are you laughing about?" Mark said, resuming his munching. "Thinking about how you completely ignored me and walked away?"

Jinyoung rolled on the floor as the laughter bubbled within him; unable to hold it in any longer. He had cowered away from Mark's English and had opted to just showing the directions physically. Only when he had left the bench, thinking the other would follow him, Mark just stared blankly in his direction. Jinyoung felt so embarrassed with himself for assuming the other would just follow him; a complete stranger, who rudely left him hanging. Jinyoung is such an awkward mess in front of strangers. _Such a mess._

"I did show you where it was in the end, didn't I?" Jinyoung whined playfully. “I didn’t want to speak in English, alright. I’m insecure about it,”

"I have never met anyone who answers questions by leaving without a word," Mark replied. "Honestly, it left the impression that Koreans are weird. Turns out it was _you_ who was weird."

 Jinyoung laughed again. _Why am I so giggly?_

"You could have been friends with anyone but you somehow ended up with me. How did that even happen?" Jinyoung questioned thoughtfully when he could finally get a grip of his senses, popping a candy in his mouth. "You didn't even know how to speak Korean!"

"Yah! Are you regretting being my friend? Is this why you’re quizzing me this way?" Mark chuckled, his tone accusing but playful. Jinyoung felt laughter bubble in him. It might be the alcohol. The alcohol must have made everything Mark said hilarious. Mark usually isn’t that funny.

 Mark's laughter eventually died down; a sudden serious expression plastered on his face. "Tell me honestly, do you think you would be here if it weren't for me?"

Jinyoung stared at Mark's serious expression; there was no trace of teasing or playfulness in it, just simple curiosity. There was no option; Jinyoung had to answer it sincerely.

"I don't think so," Jinyoung uttered softly. He felt slightly embarrassed but he knew his words are truthful. Mark's appearance in his life from the very first day had made all the difference. Jinyoung wouldn't have talked to anyone in the school besides Jaebum _._ Jinyoung couldn’t possibly had been friends with Jackson. Jinyoung definitely would not be here sitting with Mark enjoying the breeze of the outside world. He would have been in the dorms, asleep and alone. _I would only be stuck in my books; blending into the walls._

"Honestly, I was trying so hard to figure you out since our first encounter," Mark started. "You barely said anything to anyone, never spent any of your time away from your books, and somehow you’re class vice president. It was like you lived in your own world," Mark paused, his eyes finally meeting with Jinyoung's focused gaze.

 "The thing that bugged me the most was that you walk around like some sort of prince," Jinyoung laughed aloud at Mark's words _. I do not walk around like a prince! What is he talking about?_

"What's so funny?" Mark grimaced causing Jinyoung to immediately stop laughing. Mark was pouring his thoughts out. It doesn't happen a lot, so Jinyoung shouldn't do anything to break the mood.

"Nothing," Jinyoung squeaked. "Continue..."

Mark rolled his eyes at Jinyoung; obviously sensing the mockery in Jinyoung's tone. He sighed aloud and crosses his arms. "All I'm saying is I have never met a guy like you and curiosity got the best of me," Mark was obviously a little upset. “No one talked to you because they were intimidated. Everyone respected you for no obvious reason. Not to mention your mannerism. No one is _so... proper._ ”

Jinyoung held in his laughter with his hand covering his mouth. The crinkles in his eyes were probably giving his true emotions away right now. Jinyoung won’t say it out loud but it sure felt good to hear about himself this way. It wasn’t exactly a compliment but it’s nice to know what Mark’s first impression of him was.

 "This is the first time I've heard this," Jinyoung stated when his laughter finally subdued and he was scooting over closer to the other. He needed to win his best friends heart back now that the other was upset from his mockery. So, he slung his arms around the other pulling him closer into a somewhat playful head lock; Mark struggling to let himself go.

 "Ugh! I knew this would happen! Let go of me!" Mark whined as his hands wildly tried to free himself from Jinyoung's grasp. Laughter eventually caught up with them as they wrestled. Jinyoung exhaled as his energy dwindled from wrestling his best friend.

“Thank you,” Jinyoung whispered, as he reached for Mark’s hand and clasping it in his own. Mark looked up at Jinyoung, still breathing heavily from the exhaustion, his expression soft.

“It’s funny now that I do know you in person, you are still very _proper._ I guess it’s just because you are very calculative of your actions. You should let your guard down sometime,” Mark lets his hand free from Jinyoung’s and ruffles the other’s hair.

“Do you remember our trip to Jinhae?” Jinyoung said excitedly.

“How could I forget?” Mark spluttered his eyebrows rose almost all the way to his hairline. “I was so shocked at how humble your parents were, despite having this pompous prince as a son!”

Jinyoung pouted as he playfully hit Mark sides, Mark laughing, clearly enjoying teasing the other. “We went to that flower festival. I got so cold that you gave me your mother’s sweater,”

Jinyoung laughed instantly as he remembered Mark wearing his mothers, pink flowery sweater under his high fashion leather jacket. It’s an image he revisits every time he comes home since his mother had loved the look so much that she had framed it in his bedroom. It’s hilarious because Mark stands out a bit too much in their family photo – hair flaming red, pink flower sweater not so subtly hidden under his leather jacket – but it is endearing. his family easily accepted Mark despite the language barrier. Jinyoung still finds it funny when Mark can’t understand his parents. Mark was not ready to face Jinhae cold, especially since he wasn’t used to Korean weather in general, at the time.

Also, Mark is slightly irresponsible and forgets that he no longer lives in sunny LA.

“That trip to Jinhae was an eye-opener for me,” Mark said with a soft smile etched on his face. “I’ve known you for at least a year at that point and yet, there was a lot I didn’t know about you,”

Jinyoung chuckled. When they had snuggled into their mattress in Jinyoung’s living room that night, Mark had drilled him with so many questions. It was the first time Jinyoung had openly told Mark about how his parents – mid-class citizens – could afford to send Jinyoung to such a prestigious international boarding school and the reaction of his schoolmates about this information.

His dad had won a jackpot lottery just before he was entering high school. Most of that money was immediately reserved to get Jinyoung into the school of his father’s dreams. The rest had gone into a few investments that have so far earned a living for his family. It was quite a big shock for the students when a country bumpkin like himself had entered the school and quite honestly they were very uneasy with his presence – despite Jinyoung’s friendliness.

It was a week into their freshman year when a senior had learnt about the lottery ticket and suddenly it all came crumbling down. Okay, maybe crumbling down is an over-exaggeration but things didn’t go so well. The constant whispers that followed Jinyoung around were intimidating and his already uneasy group of friends had slowly slinked away. Jaebum however had stayed with him. He is forever grateful for Jaebum. But Jaebum had his own group of friends and Jinyoung hated when Jaebum had to justify himself why Jinyoung had to be with them. Jinyoung hated making things hard for Jaebum.

Thus, the books had come in handy.

“Now I think you know too much about me,” Jinyoung said silently breaking the silence between them. Mark looked at him, a proud grin plastered on his face.

 “Do you remember my first lead role in the school play?” Jinyoung asked while rolling his eyes at the smug expression on Mark’s face.

“You fought with Jaebum because you weren’t attending the committee meetings because of drama practice during that time right?” Mark chirped. Jinyoung groaned internally remembering that fight. Tensions were running high and everything was getting a tad too hectic for Jinyoung. Jaebum only added to the fire with his constant smothering. He really shouldn’t have yelled at Jaebum; it hurt Jaebum’s pride and he really regretted it after.

“On the night, of your performance Jaebum, Jackson and I made a banner for you and you cried.” Mark stated. Jinyoung smiled at the memory. Jinyoung is a man with a lot of tears, it was no secret. “And then you only thanked Jaebum, because you guys were still fighting. When in real fact, if it wasn’t for me, he wouldn’t have even done it.”

Jinyoung laughed. Mark had sulked about it all night when they finally went back to Jinyoung’s room; how Jinyoung had only hugged Jaebum when he came out and completely ignored the others. Jackson had been understanding about it because he knew Jaebum and Jinyoung had been fighting for quite some time and reconciliation was due, Mark however wasn’t too accommodating.

“I know. You went through a lot of trouble to get Jaebum to help with the banner because you knew how much it meant to me,” Jinyoung stressed, as he slung his arm around Mark, who was very obviously sulking _again_. “I am so very grateful to have such a good friend like you,”

Mark sighed. “You better be”

“I am, alright. Really, who am I without Mark Tuan?”

Mark chuckled. “I’m going to miss you,”

Jinyoung felt an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach along with Mark words. It was obvious that school was going to end in a week. It was bad enough that Jinyoung and Mark would have to go their separate ways, but Mark was moving away.

_Back to LA._

Jinyoung had cried when Mark had told him the news. He wasn’t exactly proud of himself for crying. But it was a bit too overwhelming to hear that Mark, his best friend who had turned his life upside down – for the better – moving far _far_ away from him. Plus the pressure that everything was going to change. Jinyoung hated change.

“Do you think we’ll still be as close 5 years later?” Jinyoung hated the way it resounded with the silence. Change was imminent. “Be honest with me,”

Mark stared at Jinyoung. His expression thoughtful; a thousand and one possible answers were probably running through his mind. Jinyoung may have been the one who cried when he realized Mark was going to leave him but Jinyoung could see fear in the elder’s eyes. Jinyoung doesn’t understand what Mark was scared of.

Mark was immensely talented and likable. He may not have much to say, but Mark had a lot to offer. Something Jinyoung had always envied. All Jinyoung had is his diligence.

“I can’t tell the future, Jinyoungie,” Mark exasperated. He placed his face in his palms, frustrated. Jinyoung doesn’t hide his disappointment. Most of the time he doesn’t need to hide from Mark. Mark has that effect on him.

“Don’t look so disappointed!” Mark shouted as he pulled Jinyoung into a rough hug. His vibrating body making Jinyoung slowly burst into laughter. “If it makes any difference, I don’t want this. Let’s just run away and hide. Who the hell has time for growing up?”

Jinyoung pulled Mark into a proper hug. _Cross my fingers, here we go..._

“Come visit me in LA ok?” Mark cooed. Jinyoung was trying to muster a smile as he ignored the ache in his heart.

_Really, who am I without Mark Tuan?_

 

 

 

 

\--------------------------------------


	4. WILD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung finally gets the chance to visit Mark in LA.

** WILD **

 

"I wasn't under the impression you guys were a thing,"

Jinyoung's jaw hung slack as he watched the smug expression on one of Mark's friend’s face. He'll be honest. He doesn't remember all their names. He probably has downed too many beers at this point. Plus, Mark's dad had shared a glass of whiskey with him after dinner. He wasn’t exactly the best at holding his liquor, especially now that he had drank more than one type of it.

They were all huddled around a small table at a pub. The music playing in the background was just enough for them to talk without having to scream. The smell of smoke hung thick in the air. It was sort of a weird setting to meet Mark’s friends for the first time. But they are Americans, and Jinyoung knows, the culture is different. Mark had left a few minutes ago to go to the bathroom, leaving Jinyoung to be the aim of his friends. Unlike Jinyoung, they were very comfortable talking to strangers which made Jinyoung uneasy.

"Me and Mark? We're not." Jinyoung swallowed. They aren't a thing. They were best friends. They spent their high school years together and would have maintained best friends forever if Mark hadn’t moved back to the USA. They are best friends. He would have denied this more confidently a few hours back. Right now, he isn’t quite sure; it might be the alcohol, it might be something else. Who would have thought Jinyoung coming all the way from Korea to visit Mark like he had promised would lead him to this conversation; a conversation of Jinyoung and Mark being a _thing_.

"I thought so too but then seeing you in person. And then seeing how Mark acts around you," A girl sat next to him said. Jinyoung had noticed Mark was slightly different. But Jinyoung had pinned it as Mark being especially clingy because they haven't seen each other in about a year. Of course, a few things weren't quite fitted in the clingy category. More like _flirty_?

Skin ship was natural to them. It had been since their schooling days and Jinyoung had always been the affectionate type. Maybe his friends were just not used to seeing Mark hold hands with other guys? Maybe they weren’t used to Mark holding Jinyoung to his side by a possessive arm around the waist? Maybe Mark failed to explain that sometimes holding hands weren’t necessarily a big deal; at least not between Jinyoung and him.

"What are you guys talking about?" Jinyoung almost screamed from shock when Mark's voice echoed behind him. He doesn't scream but he was just about to. Mark's friends muttered excuses, avoiding eye contact. Jinyoung, however, meets Mark's eye; pleading for a way out. He wants to leave. He doesn't really want to be here. He didn’t fancy being interviewed by Mark’s friends like a helpless prey. Or maybe he just wanted to be alone with Mark; for a somewhat unknown reason.  Mark plopped next to Jinyoung, pulling his chair closer to the younger.

“Are you okay?” Mark whispered, leaning very closely to Jinyoung. Jinyoung was so relieved Mark could still read him. Everything fell back into place, like they weren’t separated for 8 months. Jinyoung met Mark’s eyes again. _I want to leave._

Mark looked at Jinyoung with a small smile, and then looked down at his watch.

“Look at the time. It’s like almost 2am. Jinyoung and I should leave. Dad said we’re going hiking tomorrow,” Mark announced, standing up as he gulped the remaining beer in his glass. Jinyoung promptly followed. They weren’t going hiking tomorrow. Mark was lying but Jinyoung couldn’t care less. He just wanted to get away. He could hear the mumbles of protest from his friends. But they stood up to bid Mark goodbye nonetheless. Jinyoung made a note in his head to ask Mark all their names tomorrow.

He definitely wasn’t walking properly. He could feel his drowsy thoughts and sloppy movements catching up with him as he followed Mark to the exit. Mark must have noticed Jinyoung was trying hard not to fall as he slipped his arm around Jinyoung’s waist. Mark’s arm was pulling him forward firmly.

“Are you ok, Jinyoung?” Mark leaned so closely to speak to him that Jinyoung could smell alcohol in his breath. Jinyoung lifts a thumb up to Mark. Though, even Jinyoung can see that thumbs up was a little unconvincing.

The next thing Jinyoung knows is they are in the back of a taxi, his head rested on Mark’s lap.

“Jinyoung, don’t fall asleep. I can’t carry you.” Mark mumbled, his warm fingers running through Jinyoung’s hair. Jinyoung’s eyelids are so heavy and all he wants is to just let sleep take over, especially since Mark was playing with his hair this way.

“Jinyoungie,” Mark warned. His hand now placed on Jinyoung’s forehead, pushing his fringe back. His eyes flickered to meet Jinyoung’s unfocused gaze. Jinyoung liked how Mark looked in brown hair as compared to his original red hair from school. It made Mark appear soft. It made Mark seem almost like an angel. _I am so fond of him._

“I’m not asleep,” Jinyoung convinced. He really isn’t. He was watching the street lights reflect on Mark’s dazed expression, somehow mesmerized.

“We’re here. Get up!” Mark declared. He helped Jinyoung up. Jinyoung _definitely_ had too much to drink. They clambered out of the car, Jinyoung immediately latching himself onto Mark’s back, arms finding comfort around Mark’s middle, his head nuzzled into the back of Mark’s neck as his weight rested on Mark’s back. Mark was struggling to get them both to the front door. Jinyoung breathed in Mark’s comforting scent of soap and a hint of smoke, loving how it reminded him of their late night conversations when they were in school.

“Yah, you’re making it hard for me to move!” Mark scolded, though Jinyoung can feel Mark’s body vibrate with laughter.  When Mark finally managed to unlock the front door, Jinyoung lets himself slink onto the nearest couch. He needs to lie down. His world was spinning.

“I’ll get a drink for you,” Mark mumbled as he shuffled to the kitchen as soon as he locked the door behind him. “Don’t you dare fall asleep!” Mark commanded.

When Mark finally returned, Jinyoung was sat on the floor, his head resting on the coffee table. Jinyoung gladly downed the water Mark handed him, suddenly feeling very thirsty. “Let’s get you to bed, eh?” Mark said, offering his hand to help Jinyoung up.

“Go change then come to my room, alright?” Mark said as his hands firmly holding Jinyoung’s head by the cheeks and eyes focused on Jinyoung’s face, probably an attempt to make sure the information is conveyed, considering Jinyoung’s condition. Jinyoung nodded as he tried to ignore the fluttering feeling in his chest from Mark taking care of him.

Jinyoung stumbled to the guest room where he had set his bags earlier. He changed into his pajamas as fast as he can. He can’t wait for sleep. _Beautiful, lovely sleep._

When Jinyoung gets to Mark’s room, Mark was lying comfortably on his bed. He doesn’t look up from his phone when he told Jinyoung to switch off the lights. Jinyoung felt his heartbeat quicken. He was nervous, for some reason, he was very nervous. He shouldn’t be nervous. It wasn’t the first time he had slept in the same bed as Mark. All those nights spent in Jinyoung’s dorm room back when they were in school, on that small single bed. He shouldn’t be nervous. None of this was new.

He found his way into the darkness to settle next to Mark, trying very hard to push the thoughts of the empty bed in the guest room that he could run to. He could have been there but Mark had invited him here, and he isn’t in a position to decline; despite the hurricane in his heart.

He tucked himself into the bed, sighing contently at the softness surrounding him as soon as he was enveloped by soft blankets. It smelled like soap and a hint of Mark’s shampoo. He could feel his body relax under the comfort. His consciousness was ready to slip away from him.

“Are you going to sleep?” Mark whispered into the darkness. His voice was slightly hoarse, making Jinyoung increasingly nervous. _What is wrong with me?_

Jinyoung simply turned to face Mark in reply. He doesn’t really feel like talking. He was afraid his nervousness would show in his voice. He was positive that it would _definitely_ show in his voice.

Mark was already looking at him. The room was dark but the city lights from outside of Mark’s bedroom window illuminated Mark’s face. His features were softer than ever under the reflection of city lights.

Jinyoung takes note that he loved how Mark looked in semi darkness. _Probably a bit too much_.

“Do you remember we used to talk all the way till daylight back in the school days?” Mark said his voice quiet as if he was afraid to wake the night. “I don’t know what we talked about but I love those moments”

Jinyoung smiled softly. Mark was obviously in a sentimental chatty mood. Sentimental chatty meaning Mark was going to express himself; talk about the past; talk about what he loved; talked about what he thought. _Oh, do I love it when he gets like this._

Jinyoung won’t admit it to anyone but Mark in this mood makes him happy; makes him feel so very special. Mark was always quiet; preferred to keep things unspoken. Mark was always the kind to keep to himself but Jinyoung had been on the listening end of Mark’s sentimental chatty moods more than once. It was like a blessing. It was like Mark was telling him _, “Hey, I trust you!”_

“In a way it’s kind of like tonight. We go out and have fun with friends and then come back to just the two of us,” Mark was scooting closer as he whispered his words; his eyes unwavering from Jinyoung’s face. Jinyoung realized that he had probably zoned out on all the others ramblings. But it’s ok. He was listening now.  “Lights out, just me and you…”

Jinyoung loved the way Mark was looking at him. He loved the way Mark’s voice sounded. How did he live 8 months without this? Eight whole months without Mark whispering to him into the darkness. Jinyoung doesn’t know but he was glad he was here now. He was glad he came to LA for this; for a chance to see Mark like this again.

Jinyoung caught Mark’s hand that wasn’t much further away from him and brought it to his face. He placed it gently onto his cheeks and closed his eyes. He takes a deep breath enjoying the warm sensation of Mark’s hand on his cheek. He was not dreaming. Mark was here with him. It was just like the old days.

“Jinyoungie…” Mark murmured. Jinyoung’s eyes flicker open to land on Mark’s face which was inching closer to his. He could see Mark looking at his lips. He knows what is going to happen. He wants to protest. He knows if he was sober this wouldn’t be the best thing to resort to. What if he was carried away with just missing the other? What if Mark was carried away from being away from him? What was going to happen to them as best friends?

But it was too late.

Their lips collide and Jinyoung was caught by surprise despite anticipating it. Mark was cautious. Jinyoung could tell because he didn’t move closer. He was waiting for Jinyoung to respond. And, boy, did Jinyoung want to respond.

It felt like the world stopped as Jinyoung moved closer to Mark, bringing their bodies together, deepening their kiss. Mark was cupping Jinyoung’s chin with the hand that had been conveniently placed there in the first place.  Jinyoung felt lightheaded as Mark moved his hand to softly grip strands of Jinyoung’s hair and pulled him closer. It wasn’t his first kiss but it felt like it, clumsy but eager; nervousness making his hands shake.

Jinyoung’s breath hitched when he felt Mark’s warm hand snake under his shirt; Mark’s soft lips still kissing his own. Jinyoung can hear the sound of sober Jinyoung nagging him to push Mark away. They were best friends. This was crossing the line. _Things are not going to work out._

But he doesn’t listen and he concentrated on the way Mark was licking his lips, their tongues finally finding each other. He concentrated on how his hands felt on Mark’s bare skin, and how he could feel lust seeping in his body. He very persistently concentrated on the way Mark was driving him wild. If this was going to continue he was going to have a problem.

Jinyoung gasped when he felt Mark squeezed his butt. Mark now eagerly kissing his neck; peppering small kisses around any area of neck he could access. Things were getting heated, fast. _Fuck, he was definitely going to have a problem._

Jinyoung held Mark’s shoulders back, willing himself away from Mark, holding Mark firmly so the other doesn’t inch closer. Mark looked slightly puzzled at the abrupt halt but he doesn’t look angry. He doesn’t force himself forward onto Jinyoung. Rather than that, concern filled his expression.

“What’s wrong, Jinyoung?” Mark breathed with a hoarse voice and Jinyoung was torn.

There was an earthquake in his heart; his heart wanting to fill the gap between them; bring them closer than ever before. But his mind realizing that friendships last, relationships – especially long distance relationships – don’t. He stared into Mark’s eyes. Mark had always been the type to worry about the consequences later; Jinyoung knows this much. But Jinyoung can’t tell if Mark was kissing him because he was lonely or was it because he had missed Jinyoung so much that it had clouded his judgment? Had Mark suddenly felt attracted to him in a span of a day or had the attraction always lingered?

“You’re over thinking this…” Mark said as he tucked in a stray strand of hair behind Jinyoung’s ear. _Mark knows him too well._

“Do you not want this?” Mark said. Jinyoung felt it was unfair. It was unfair because Mark was ghosting over his lips, face so close to his that if he tilted his face, their lips would touch. It was unfair because Jinyoung wants this; he wants to not think of the consequences. Mark knows Jinyoung too well to tempt him. Mark had never been this attractive; Mark had never made Jinyoung waver with his attractiveness. But today, he had never been so tempted to just forget everything else.

Jinyoung closes the distance and joins their lips. His heart may break but there was no way he could turn away.

 

-o0o-

 

“I used to eat this all the time!” Mark squealed excitably, grabbing a pack of sweets of the shelves. They had arrived at Mark’s local supermarket. Mrs. Tuan demanding a few cooking ingredients for tonight’s dinner.  “Maybe we should just get one. You might like it”

Jinyoung smiled at Mark while raising the basket he had been holding that already contained a few of Mark’s favorite snacks, for Mark to put in the pack of sweets. Mark was eager to share his childhood memories with Jinyoung. He doesn’t complain. Mark Tuan is insanely adorable when excited. “We were just supposed to get some meatballs and parmesan cheese, Mark. The basket is half filled with Doritos and Fizzy drinks!”

Jinyoung tugged their linked hands, causing Mark to stop in his tracks. Their hands had been intertwined from the moment they left the car. Their fingers were loosening and tightening but it never fell apart.  Jinyoung tried not to think of how his heart was fluttering at the thought of other people watching them thinking they were a couple restocking groceries for their shared house. Jinyoung tried not to think of how people rolled their eyes at how disgustingly sweet they were for walking hand in hand through the snack aisle. But alas, it had entered his mind and caused palpitations in his heart.

“Please, Jinyoungie!” Mark pouts and chuckled all at the same time. _Fuck, I’m screwed._

Jinyoung rolled his eyes, trying very hard to suppress a pleased smile. Mark was too damn cute for his own good. Mark was in full control and he was taking full advantage.

Mark laughed a little too loudly, with a blinding smile. “Thank you, Jinyoungie,” and a small kiss lands on Jinyoung’s cheek.

Jinyoung could feel his face turn red from the gesture. It was way too sudden; way too public. And yet, his heart couldn’t help feeling way too delighted.

Jinyoung was frozen on his feet. Mark smiled at him and Jinyoung catches the adoration he has in his eyes. _Mark Tuan is going to be the death of me._

“Come on, Jinyoung. Mama will be waiting,” Mark pulled him and Jinyoung followed without a second thought. Mark has him on a leash and the fact that it didn’t bother him was concerning.

 

-o0o-

 

Jinyoung focuses on the busy streets of the city in front of him. The low buzz of the car’s air conditioning was making him slightly sleepy. Mark sat next to him, humming to the English song on the radio that Jinyoung did not recognize while he drove them back home.

Jinyoung’s gaze drops to his hand perched on Mark’s thigh. He had forgotten how it had ended up there. They were probably holding hands but Mark must have abandoned it to drive. He suddenly felt an odd feeling about his hand on Mark’s thigh; almost like it wasn’t meant to be there. Jinyoung slowly tried to retract his hand, hoping if he made it seem natural Mark wouldn’t catch him. Even though, Jinyoung can’t imagine why keeping his hands to himself would make Mark in any way disappointed.

Jinyoung was right though. The moment Mark noticed Jinyoung had let go, he let out a whine. He caught Jinyoung’s hand with his own and rested it on his lap. His eyes refocusing on the road once he was satisfied.

Jinyoung felt his stomach stir. Mark was flirting with him so nonchalantly. His eyes traced their intertwined hands on the elder’s lap to Mark’s focused expression. Mark was so attractive. His prominent cheekbones complimenting the sharp jaw line that drew into his long neck. Jinyoung tried not to think of what lay under the oversized pastel sweater Mark was wearing. Just the thought of it made his heartbeat quicken.   

“Mark…” Jinyoung said. He was suddenly washed with nervousness.

“Hmm…” Mark hummed. A small smile was on his face. Jinyoung suppressed the urge to just drop his thoughts so that smile would stay. Let his thoughts become unspoken.

“What does _this_ mean?” Jinyoung holds up the loose tangle of their hands.

Mark looked at him, brows knitted together and a small frown of confusion painted on his face. He was looking at Jinyoung like Jinyoung was making no sense at all.

“What do you mean by _this_?” Mark asked. His eyes were genuinely confused which only made Jinyoung more frustrated.

“ _This_ as in us, Mark,” Jinyoung looked at Mark, hopeful. “What does _this_ all mean?”

Jinyoung allowed Mark to focus on the road for a moment. They were turning into Mark’s street. Mark parked by the road. Usually, they would park in the driveway but Mark must have sensed the privacy Jinyoung wanted with this conversation.

“Are you asking me why am I treating you this way?” Mark asked with a light tone that made Jinyoung groan internally. Mark had a knack of taking serious things lightly. Jinyoung isn’t sure if Mark does it to annoy him or his inability to face serious situations.

Jinyoung sends Mark a frown; hopeful his frustrations are heard. Mark had avoided this topic too much already.

Mark chuckled before catching both Jinyoung’s hands in his own, firmly squeezing them. He smiled at Jinyoung. A smile that Jinyoung wished didn’t push all his doubts and fears away.

“I know you want to know what I’m feeling. I was just teasing you,” Mark said, planting a small kiss on Jinyoung’s hand. “Jinyoungie, you know that I’m not just playing around right?”

Jinyoung looked at the way the other was looking at him. He knew Mark would never intentionally hurt him. Mark could joke around and tease Jinyoung but never in the span of their friendship had Mark intentionally hurt him. Jinyoung knew Mark would never toy with his feelings. Yet, Mark had breezed him into this whirlwind of _this._

And Jinyoung had been on the edge trying to figure out what _this_ meant.

“You might have your doubts about how you feel about me,” Mark said. His seriousness causing chills at the back of Jinyoung’s neck. “But it’s clear to me what I feel. And in no way do I want to force you to do anything you don’t want to,”

Mark lets go of both of Jinyoung’s hand and runs his finger into his hair. A nervous habit Mark couldn’t control. He licks his bottom lip, swiping his tongue across it to wet it and gazes away from Jinyoung.

“I like you, Jinyoung,”

The words that leave Mark’s mouth caused Jinyoung’s heart to make flips in his chest. Mark had said it like a mumble but Jinyoung had heard it. Jinyoung had heard it despite the wave of shock overwhelming him.

“Maybe I have since forever. I’m not so sure since when but I just want this limited time we have together to be memorable,” Jinyoung watched how the words leave Mark’s mouth. He probably had rehearsed this. It sounded like he had said it thousand times before, but in no way did it lose meaning. Mark meant every word and that was probably why Jinyoung felt fear set in.

“You don’t have to tell me about how you feel. You don’t have to be sure about anything. Just give me the rest of this trip. I just want to focus on us now. Think about everything else later, ok?”

Jinyoung swallowed. What did he expect to hear when he had asked what _this_ meant? He doesn’t know. But this wasn’t what he was expecting. He didn’t even know what he was expecting. This was even more confusing than ever because he had to think of what it meant to him.

And in all honesty, Jinyoung has no idea.

“Let’s just get back. Mama must be waiting for her meatballs.” Mark said with a nervous laugh.

Jinyoung lets his hand place itself back on Mark’s thigh as the other released the brakes.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhhh.... this is loosely based off of the song WILD. loosely being the key word!
> 
> also, i made another moodboard. i think i'm gonna do one for every chapter. we will see how it goes. you can see that [here](http://gotsichi7.tumblr.com/tagged/mybnfic)
> 
> i hope you guys liked it <3


	5. LOST BOY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung is a lost boy that just isn't ready to be found.

** LOST BOY **

 

                Jinyoung doesn’t understand how he always ends up alone in a party. Maybe it was his inability to keep a conversation going or that when he drinks he becomes really quiet. His thoughts swallowed him and made him unexplainably emotional.

So that was probably why he was alone at the side of the pool, overlooking the people scattered on the Tuan residence lawn. The people invited to this so-called ‘Jinyoung’s farewell party’ were mingling by the dance floor (an ingenious LED carpet that lit up) and the buffet table. Jinyoung could see Mark talking to some of his friends who were huddled at one of the garden tables. Their obnoxiously loud laughter could be heard over the pop music Mr Tuan had on.

It’s a little sad Jinyoung would never be able to attend the Tuan’s barbeques once he is back in Korea. It’s probably his favourite thing in LA. The Tuan residence was large – a bit too large for their family of 5 – but it was never empty. There was always company around, friends or family. The Tuan’s were great host, friendly and beyond accommodating. Jinyoung felt so at home from the moment he set foot into the house.

His eyes catch the sight of Mr. Tuan catching his shorter wife into a big bear hug, one hand still holding a bottle of beer. Mrs. Tuan laughed heartily, flushing at how her husband was hugging her in front of their entire guests. Mr. Tuan only laughed as Mrs. Tuan hit him repeatedly in her embarrassment. Everyone was in awe, so was Jinyoung.

Jinyoung could only wish to be loved that much by his significant other in the future. Jinyoung doesn’t want to say it out loud but when he imagines his significant other he thinks of a certain brown haired boy who was currently stopping his mother from further abusing his amused father.

_Not that it was remotely possible._

He takes a sip from his cocktail as he softly paddles his feet in the water. There was only one day left for him to enjoy the hot weather of LA and this swimming pool. Only one day left before he needs to tell Mark what feels. Only one day left before he ultimately has to tell Mark, there was no way they were going to make it with this distance.

It’s funny that as he thinks this he can hear Mark protest at how frustratingly pessimistic Jinyoung was being. He hasn’t told Mark yet but he knew what Mark’s reaction was going to be because he knew Mark like the back of his hand. He knew Mark was always the idealist; always believing that the world was ideal. He was optimistic while Jinyoung was well, a realist.

Jinyoung doesn’t think he is a pessimist. If anything, he was always calculating his moves to make sure nothing bad ever happened. Always the one with a plan.

There was no easy way to let Mark down and that alone was cracking Jinyoung’s heart. It was frustrating because Jinyoung had never wanted something so much. He had never wanted to wake up next to a sleepy Mark. He had never wanted to be in anyone arms as much as he wanted to be in Mark’s. He had never wanted something to work out so much that the fear of it crumbling eats him up even in his sleep. But the fact that there were too many odds against them, the fact that Jinyoung couldn’t be rational and think of a proper plan for them to work was the reason Jinyoung thinks it would never work.

Not right now, and probably not ever.

They could work as friends.

They couldn’t as lovers because Jinyoung was going back to Korea in a day. Mark was going to start university soon. Mark was going to find other amazing person who would charm him and ultimately make him happier than Jinyoung who was in another continent. Jinyoung couldn’t possibly hold him back.

Both of them have never been in any other relationship.

Both of them were too young to count on forever at just the start of their life.

Jinyoung’s heart breaks at the thought that he might never find anyone like Mark. Mark had made him into a better person since they had first crossed paths. Mark had broken him out of his shell. Mark had always been there for him through thick and thin. Mark loved him despite the slightest chance that Jinyoung didn’t feel the same way. Mark who was always so sincere in everything he does.

But the thought of the suffering that would ensue along with the impending heart break if they decided to take the long distance relationship route and the thought of the heart break that would ultimately halt their friendship was killing him.

They should be friends. Nothing more. Nothing less.

“You seem very deep in thought,”

Jinyoung almost dropped his glass from the voice coming from behind him.

“Sorry, for startling you,” Mark said taking a seat next to him. “What were you thinking of?”

“Nothing,” Jinyoung lied.

Jinyoung felt Mark’s arm snake around his waist pulling him closer. Jinyoung feels his body automatically relax in Mark’s embrace.

“I don’t like that you think I’m going to believe that,” Mark nuzzled his face into Jinyoung’s neck which tickles but Jinyoung’s heart flutters nonetheless. Jinyoung hopes Mark’s parents or anyone else at the party was looking at them. Mark might have been comfortable with public displays of affection but Jinyoung wasn’t.

Not that it would matter, though. Mark’s parents know exactly what was going on. Mark had been openly flirting with Jinyoung a number of times and Jinyoung is pretty sure they had caught Mark sneaking chaste kisses. They just smile and pretend they know nothing which gives Jinyoung at least some peace of mind from the embarrassment.

“Do you think it’s cute?”

Jinyoung looked at Mark questioningly. “Do I think _what_ is cute?”

“Papa teasing Mama like that,”

Jinyoung chuckled at how cutely Mark addresses his parents. Jinyoung playfully hesitates before giving an answer. “I do think it is sweet,”

“Do you think we are sweet?”

Jinyoung tried to contain his laughter. Mark was good with his words when it came to sweeping him off his feet. Mark was expert at making Jinyoung forget that this was going to end.

 

-o0o-

 

“Are you sure?”

Jinyoung whined at the question. His heart bursting, head clouded with lust and arousal begging for release. Mark had been abusing his prostate with his expert fingers making Jinyoung a hot mess. His moans were echoing through Mark’s dimly lit room as Mark brought him to the edge. Jinyoung had moaned a desperate _fuck me_ in his incoherence that had alarmed Mark.

They had never made it this far; only ever jerking each other off. But Jinyoung had always wanted it. He had always hoped Mark would stop being such a gentleman and pound him into oblivion.

Tonight had seemed to be the night. There was desperation in Mark that Jinyoung hadn’t felt before. Every touch hotter, every kiss sloppier and every movement rougher. Mark was desperate to make his mark on Jinyoung and Jinyoung wasn’t about to stop him. If anything, it was only turning Jinyoung on even more.

Mark towered over him and starts sucking the exposed skin of his neck, licking the sensitive hickeys Mark had left during foreplay.

“Are you sure you want this, Jinyoung?”

Jinyoung responded with kissing Mark fervently.

“I am. I want you to be my first”

Mark lips curve into a sweet smile.

“Anything for Jinyoung.”

 

-o0o-

 

Jinyoung’s eyes flutter open and for a moment he feels dread fill his thoughts. For a moment, he thinks he is back in Korea because Mark wasn’t sleeping next to him. There were no signs of the older anywhere. He had woken up to an empty bed like he is used to in Korea.

But then he realized how dumb that thought was since he was still in Mark’s room.

And he would just have to get used to waking up alone, since it was going to be a common occurrence soon.

_More like tomorrow._

The dread he felt when he wakes up doesn’t leave him making him feel like a nightmare he couldn’t wake up from.

The door creaks open revealing a very ecstatic Mark.

“You’re awake” Mark chirped and Jinyoung finally saw that Mark was carrying breakfast in a tray.

“Breakfast in bed?” Jinyoung cautiously sits up, realizing the discomfort in his lower half.

“I figured it’ll be hard for you to get out of bed,” Mark smirked. Jinyoung blushed as he held a pillow close to his chest to conceal his embarrassment. The intimate moments from last night flooding his memories making him feel all too hot.

Mark sets the breakfast he had brought on the bed carefully. Jinyoung helped himself, quickly grabbing a butter knife to spread butter on his toast as Mark takes his coffee and starts sipping slowly. Jinyoung tried to ignore the loud beating of his heart as he felt Mark’s gaze on him.

They stay silent for awhile, sharing breakfast and listening to the bustling of Mr and Mrs Tuan cleaning up the mess of the party from last night.

“So how far is your college from home?”

Jinyoung felt it was time they started talking about the future. Sooner or later they were bound to face it, after all. Mark raised an eyebrow, probably from the abruptness of the topic.

“Not too far.” Mark hummed. He doesn’t hesitate but his eyes scanning Jinyoung who was pretending to be concentrating on the flickering of sunlight through the bedroom window.

“When do your classes start?”

“In a week or so,”

“Are you excited?” Jinyoung faces Mark finally. He wants to gauge Mark’s answer.

“Not particularly,” he answered. His tone was almost making the reply sound like a question. “Why are you suddenly asking?”

Jinyoung shook his head with a small (fake) smile.

_How am I going to tell him?_

“I’ve been thinking about accepting the acting contract I got offered,”

Mark looked at Jinyoung with a blank expression. Jinyoung could tell he was trying to conceal feelings. Jinyoung just doesn’t know what.

“The one with ridiculous rules?”

Jinyoung nodded. He had talked about this offer to Mark when he had first got it a few months ago. He had been attending acting classes since graduation and had been going to a few auditions. It was during one of his auditions that a scout had approached him and asked about signing an acting deal with JYP entertainment. It was almost too good to be true.

Jinyoung had told Mark about it straight away. Mark had been excited about it until he realized signing the contract would mean Jinyoung was a bonded slave to the company. No dating, restricted freedom and basically slavery. At least in Mark’s eyes that was what it was. For Jinyoung, it was a small price to pay for his dream.

He had always dreamt of being an actor. He had worked so hard on his acting skills. He knew it was the thing he wanted to do it for as long as he had the chance. And he did have it, if he signed the contract.

Mark looked at Jinyoung with a torn expression. “You know, I don’t like the idea of that contract but it’s been your dream to be an actor since I’ve known you,”

Jinyoung smiled at Mark.

“There is no way I would stop you from that,” Mark has a sad smile on his face.

“I’ll make you proud, hyung.” He placed his hand on Mark’s knee next to him and immediately regrets it. Mark’s face has contorted like he ate something extremely bitter; probably from Jinyoung touching him or from the word hyung. Hyung meant bro, and bro meant they were friends again. “I’ll do well in Korea and you will be so proud.”

Mark doesn’t look happy. He had a serious expression on his face.

“Is this what I think it is?”

Jinyoung was taken aback.

“Are you doing what I think you are doing?” Mark said, raising his voice.

Jinyoung gulped. Mark was angry and Jinyoung felt afraid of what the anger meant. Jinyoung was afraid this would be the end. No more sneaking kisses behind the door before joining his family for dinner, no more sleepy cuddles, no more coffee dates at odd hours of the day, no more significant smiles but rather the fallen smile Mark has carved on his face. Jinyoung tried to maintain his facade; he had less than 24 hours before he left.

“What are you talking about?”

Mark squints at Jinyoung, he scans Jinyoung’s expression. Jinyoung could see the moment Mark saw it. Mark saw what Jinyoung’s intentions were. Mark saw that Jinyoung had never intended for this ‘thing’ they had to last beyond their trip. Mark saw that Jinyoung was going to end it.

But then Mark broke into a smile.

“Never mind,”

Even if Mark knew, he wasn’t going to say anything.

At least not yet...

 

-o0o-

 

Mark’s head peeked through the door and his smile fell. Jinyoung had been packing from the moment he crawled out of Mark’s bed this morning. He was showered and ready for his long flight back to Korea. Jinyoung forced a small smile on his face, in hopes to greet Mark, in hopes to make Mark feel better. But he knows his heart was just as heavy as the weights holding on to Mark’s frown.

Mark made his way to Jinyoung who was sitting on the edge of the bed. He placed himself close to the other; Jinyoung’s gaze never leaving the elder in front of him. Mark was still in his pyjamas, a tight black t-shirt and jersey shorts; his hair messily pushed back (probably from Mark playing with it too much) and his face swollen from sleep.

“Mama is calling you for breakfast,” Mark said, his eyes trained on the carpet in front of them. Jinyoung hated that Mark was always painfully obvious with his emotions. Or maybe he hated that he could read Mark so well. He knew what Mark really wanted to say. He knew why Mark had entered his room in the first place. He knew why Mark had frowned the moment he saw Jinyoung’s zipped luggage.

_Don’t go back. Stay._

The week had gone by so fast. Jinyoung wished he had booked a later flight back. He wished he had thought of staying for two weeks, or three, or a few months. But he didn’t. He had put all his savings, pushed back all his life plans for this one week in LA to meet his _best friend._ The term now very loosely used to describe their relationship. They could hardly call themselves best friends anymore. Obviously something was going on; Jinyoung just doesn’t know what to call it.

It didn’t matter thought. The week was going to end whether they liked it or not, Jinyoung was going to return to Korea. Seeing each other will be very hard.

“I’m sorry I made it hard for you,” Mark said. He looked at Jinyoung. Jinyoung shot him a questioning look. “I’m sorry I made it hard for you to leave.”

Jinyoung understood it immediately because it is hard to leave. All those stolen kisses, all the sleepy cuddles, all the make out sessions at dawn and all the playful banter had made it unbearable to leave. They had spent the whole week pretending this day wasn’t going to happen but here it was. It had came knocking; impatiently. He hates himself for allowing it to happen but is glad that it did happen. Whatever _it_ was.

However, Mark didn’t deserve what Jinyoung was doing to him. Mark had confessed his feelings when Jinyoung had asked him and since that had never been afraid of showing Jinyoung what he felt was genuine. Mark had never expected Jinyoung to like him back; he had never forced Jinyoung for an answer. He had loved Jinyoung without regard of whether it was reciprocated or not.

Mark deserved an exit from all _this._ Mark deserved better.

Mark looked straight into Jinyoung’s eyes. Jinyoung feeling weak; Mark will find the part of him that wants to stay, Mark will know all Jinyoung is saying is one fat lie. He wants to stay. He wants to be with Mark _forever._ Mark caught Jinyoung’s hand in his own and kisses it. Jinyoung could see the tears that Mark was holding back.

“Let me get ready to send you to the airport,”

 

-o0o-

 

Jinyoung stared directly into his reflection. The overwhelming sadness he felt made him rush to the toilet without a word to Mark. He couldn’t bear to see Mark’s face. He couldn’t bear to feel Mark’s despair. 

So, he stood in an empty public toilet staring at his reflection in the dirty mirror. He adjusted his oversized cardigan that he had on as a heavy sigh escapes his mouth.

The whole car ride to the airport was silent. Mark had let his hand rest on Jinyoung’s thigh as he drove but moved it when he realized, Jinyoung wasn’t going to reciprocate; not that Jinyoung didn’t want to hold Mark’s hand there. But the disappointment radiating was overwhelming. _Way too much._

“Are we really not going to talk about this?” Jinyoung felt his heart drop from the familiar low voice that echoed the empty toilet. Jinyoung turned around to see Mark lingering at the door frame. Jinyoung could feel Mark studying him; trying to figure out what Jinyoung was feeling. Jinyoung hoped his acting skills were convincing.

“Talk about what?”

Mark crossed his arms in annoyance. Mark was obviously getting very frustrated. He always wore his heart on his sleeve.

“Are you going to pretend that nothing happened?” Mark breathed. “Wrap it up neatly and bring it back to Korea? Bring it to your grave?”

Jinyoung flinched. Mark was stepping closer to him.

 “Are you going to pretend this whole week meant nothing to you?” Mark grimaced. Jinyoung looked up and instantly regrets it. Mark was visibly shaking. Jinyoung couldn’t decide if he was shaking from his anger or his tears. Either way, it didn’t make Jinyoung feel any better.

“Mark...” Jinyoung sighed. He was stuck. Too afraid to move forward, too torn to fall back. He should have made it clear from the start; nothing was going to amount from whatever had happened between them. But he didn’t. Because Jinyoung is a fool; a lost boy too confused to admit anything.

There were a million things he wanted to explain to Mark. All his thoughts were pushing at his throat, begging to see the daylight. However, telling Mark what he felt would only make it harder for Mark to let go. And that was the last thing he wanted.

He had already done the damage. He didn’t want it to become worse.

“It was something to me,” Mark whispered. Jinyoung felt like he was stabbed from the disappointment laced in Mark’s words. He had hurt Mark. He had hurt him, in favour of a temporary happiness. He doesn’t deserve Mark in anyway. Holding Mark back would be unfair. “It may have been nothing to you but it was something to me,”

Jinyoung remained staring at the unpolished tiles on the floor, looking at Mark right now could bring him to tears.

“You could walk out of this, pretend nothing had happened... but I can’t Jinyoung,” Mark was sobbing and with each sob Jinyoung’s heart was breaking. He knew what Mark was saying wasn’t true. Jinyoung loved Mark. Jinyoung loved him so much that he is willing to sacrifice his own happiness so that Mark could be better off.

Mark was the kind of person who would quit university to follow Jinyoung to Korea but Jinyoung isn’t going to be that person who would allow his boyfriend to uproot his life that way. University was important. Mark was important. Mark deserved a chance of happiness, better than what Jinyoung could offer.

So he doesn’t correct Mark.

_I’m giving you the run around._

“Someone could love you more,” Jinyoung surprised himself as the words leave his mouth, it comes out smooth. It came out smooth though he was internally bleeding. “Someone who is here,”

“But I want you,” Mark sniffled. “I don’t want anyone else,”

 “But I don’t want this,” Jinyoung sighed. “I can’t be here for you,”

“I’ll wait for you, Jinyoung,”

_Typical, Mark. Put everyone else before his own._

“What would you be waiting for?” Jinyoung exasperated. Each word leaving his mouth aiming to discourage Mark, each word was breaking his heart further. “Me?”

Jinyoung lets out a laugh. It was intended to make his point clear; send his point across but it felt harsh. He was hurting Mark with his laughter but once he starts acting it was hard to get out of character.

Mark watched him closely. Jinyoung knew he was trying to spot any uncovered holes in Jinyoung words. Mark was trying to find any trace of untruthfulness. However, his gaze quickly dropped to the floor.

Jinyoung had fooled Mark.

“I’m just a lost boy, Mark.”

Jinyoung watched Mark take a step back and head for the exit. He listened as the sounds of Mark’s footsteps slowly diminish. He clutched his chest; wondering why watching Mark leave hurt him physically.

He then turned to the mirror; hating the fact that he could still keep a straight face; hating how there were no tears in his eyes but plenty on Mark’s.

_I’m just a lost boy, not ready to be found._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for keeping you waiting. it was really hard to proofread this chapter. i tried my best though. i hope you guys like it. 
> 
> thanks for the support! <3
> 
> also comments are sooooo welcome. if you have questions also! i would love some input on what you guys think. ask in the comments or on my tumblr. i'm good with whatever :)))))
> 
> also, i made a moodboard for this chapter on my tumblr. you can see that moodboard [here](http://gotsichi7.tumblr.com/post/151284981865/moodboard-lost-boy-markjin-3-blue)


	6. DKLA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Distance makes the heart grow fonder' said by someone stronger than me

** DKLA **

 

3:48am

                Jinyoung stared at the darkness outside his window. The sky was empty. No moon shining, no stars were visible thanks to the bright city lights. It was just as empty as the numbness of his being. He couldn’t think straight. He couldn’t feel anything. Everything was empty as the Seoul sky.

Jinyoung’s hands started rustling the sheets to find his phone. He could probably tire his eyes out with the blearing light of his phone; play a game or two. Though, he ended up staring at the all too familiar message.

 

_Jinyoungie, please.-Mark_

 

Jinyoung could just hear Mark’s voice pleading to him; the way each syllable left his mouth, the way his voice resounded in his own head.

Three weeks had past. Three weeks since he had last heard Mark’s voice. Three weeks since he had felt Mark’s touch. Three weeks since he had seen him. Everything now felt so distant; the memories of LA almost like a dream.

 

_Even if you don’t feel the same way, please talk to me.-Mark_

 

Jinyoung knew he had been in denial when he first came back; easily smiling at his family and friends as he handed them souvenirs and talked about the trip. Jaebum and Jackson were the ones who were a bit harder to fool. Jinyoung had denied anything was wrong and Mark had refused to talk about Jinyoung to them. They were left out of the loop but it was probably for the better.

Jinyoung doesn’t remember when the tears started to happen. He had been easily repressing it for such a long time but somehow it hit him. And when it did, it hit him hard. Jinyoung couldn’t seem to think of Mark without feeling his eyes well up. He couldn’t hear Mark’s name, couldn’t hear love songs, couldn’t watch romantic dramas; everything just made him want to fall into tears. For most of it, he could hold them in, but when he was alone at night, he fell asleep in a pool of his own tears.

It’s funny really. How he had been so persistent about not crying. How he had managed it, despite being most known for easily crying among his friends. And how when the tears came it seemed like the only thing he could do. The worst part was that if Mark had seen his tears, it would have hurt the other less. But he hadn’t. The worst part was Jinyoung had left Mark with the impression he was indifferent. Though, when the tears came, all Jinyoung could do was taste his own tears.

 

_I’m sorry.-Mark_

 

4 days since the last message. It used to come in daily. At least one message would come from Mark, hoping for a reply. But Jinyoung never did. Mark had finally given up but Jinyoung doesn’t know if it is a good thing or a bad thing. Jinyoung doesn’t know if he had wanted this. All he knew was now that the tears had left, he felt empty.

He felt empty because although he knows what his heart wants – a chance to make the possibility of a relationship with Mark come true – it was never going to happen. He asks himself ‘what do I do now?’ daily. But there was simply nothing he could do.

_I don’t keep love around._

There was nothing he could do to erase Mark’s hurt expression from his memories. There was no way he would chance that relationship Mark had begged for because Jinyoung was an idiot; an idiot who wouldn’t take chances as he had always been the one with a plan. And right now, though he was sure when he left LA, he had a plan.

Make it big in Korea. Chase his dreams. Focus on it and forget everything else.

And yet, all he felt was emptiness.

He threw his phone to the floor, satisfied at the sound of it breaking. He wasn’t angry. He was furious that he felt nothing; frustrated at the emptiness of his dorm room, mad at the empty night sky.

 

-0-

 

“You look terrible,” Jinyoung doesn’t need to look up from his milkshake to know who it was. He had heard Jaebum’s awful remarks for almost the entirety of his life and none of it stung his heart. Jaebum could be harsh but sometimes his unapologetic honesty breathed truths that Jinyoung could never deny. Jinyoung hadn’t gotten sleep and his body felt like dead weight; yes, he does look and feel terrible.

“Jackson hasn’t arrived?” Jaebum asked nonchalantly. Jinyoung shook his head. He just wants to close his eyes and fall asleep. Each minute away from his bed was dread. Each minute awake was torture. But sweet sleep escapes him.

“I know you don’t want me to say anything,” Jaebum said with a tone that Jinyoung already felt like tuning out. Jinyoung groaned loudly, hoping it would discourage Jaebum. “But this has been going on for way too long.”

“Nothing is going on,”

“Fuck you,” Jaebum spits. “Something is obviously going on. You look like you haven’t sleep since you came back from LA,”

Jinyoung could only hide his face in his hands. Count it on Jaebum to catch on. Count it on Jaebum to understand things before anyone has to explain it to him. Count it on Jaebum to call him out.

“Talk to him.”

Jinyoung lifted his head to meet Jaebum’s gaze. Part of him wants to pretend he doesn’t know who Jaebum is talking about but a big part of him knows there was no point. His heart was burning with fiery frustration of the whole situation that the thought of letting his fist loose on the table seemed wonderful. All he wanted was to talk to Mark. All he wanted was to put the constant fear behind him and catch Mark before he gives up. All he wanted was to be able to fall in Mark’s embrace regardless of the distance.

But ‘distance makes the heart go fonder’ is a phrase said by someone stronger than himself.

“I-I...” Jinyoung stuttered. He is rendered speechless by the overwhelming emotions suddenly hitting him. He wished he could seek comfort in Jaebum but his mouth is heavy. He can’t seem express himself. All the excuses in his head will sound ridiculous out loud. He knows.

“Don’t even try making up excuses to me, Jinyoung!” Jaebum warned strictly. “I know you so well. You are going to pretend everything is A-OK even though a shit storm is running in your head, hold on to that shit storm even though you could let it go and then when everything gets too much you are going to shut down. Which is probably is happening right now. You can’t keep running away Jinyoung!”

“And what exactly am I running away from?” Jinyoung frowned. He wasn’t a fan of being called out this way; even though each word leaving Jaebum’s mouth was oozing so much truth it made Jinyoung want to vomit. He was shutting down. He couldn’t feel anything. Life has easily lost meaning. It was already way too much.

“Love,” Jaebum replied.

Jinyoung almost burst into ironic laughter. _Love? Jaebum must be losing his mind._

“So you think I’m running away from love?” Jinyoung said mockingly. He was becoming increasingly annoyed at these accusations Jaebum was throwing him; true or not. “How are you so sure what I have with him is love? You don’t even know what happened”

“Even if it isn’t love, look me in the eye and tell me that Mark was never someone special to you. Look me in the eye and tell me Mark was never important in your life,” Jaebum challenged. His tone was now becoming harsher. “To you, he was never _just_ Mark. You can’t just throw him out of your life and pretend this will pass Jinyoung!”

Jinyoung wished he could fight back. He wished he could say Jaebum was wrong. But he wasn’t. Even if whatever he had with Mark wasn’t love (as Jaebum had claimed), there was no denying, Mark was important to him. He knows that and that’s what makes it all complicated.

He wants more than anything to just tell Mark, yes, I feel the same way; Yes, I want us to be something more than just friends. But he cannot. And being friends with Mark without being able to say that is not going to be easy. Pretend to be best friends when Mark clearly wanted something more. Pretend Jinyoung doesn’t feel anything when he clearly did.

The easiest way was to let Mark hate him. Mark would stay away and Jinyoung would never feel like he had the right to march right back. Jinyoung couldn’t possibly give Mark what he wanted. It was too late now. It was never an option.

Jinyoung just wants to scream on the top of his lungs towards the open sky and not care about all the people who might hear him.

“Even if it was love, it won’t matter.” Jinyoung said monotonously. “I accepted the JYP contract,” _and I don’t keep love around._

Jaebum face contorts into a scowl. “A 3 year dating ban is nothing. That shouldn’t stop you,”

Jinyoung smiled weakly. “It’s not just about me, Jaebum. It’s better this way,”

Jaebum thought for a second before Jinyoung could realize the meaning behind Jinyoung’s words. He lifted a finger to begin an argument before he slowly lowers it. _That’s right, it’s better for Mark this way. He deserves more._

“YAH, Park Jinyoung!” a voice filled the whole room. “Why are you two so serious?”

Jinyoung looked up to find Jackson running towards them. His phone tucked in his right hand as he stands next to Jinyoung.

“Why can’t I call you?” Jackson asked, scratching his head with a face of annoyance. “I’ve been calling and calling and it keeps going back to voice mail,”

“I broke my phone.”

_Like I broke everything else._

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a really short update incomparison to the chapters before. but i promise it's getting better <3
> 
> thank you for all the support, subscribers, readers and allllll :DDDDDDDD
> 
> as usual, u can check out the moodboard for this chapter and before chapters on my tumblr here--> [[click]](http://gotsichi7.tumblr.com/tagged/mybnfic)
> 
>  
> 
> also congrats to GOT7 on the HARD CARRY triple crown (i'm still crying from being so proud)


	7. COOL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3 years down the road. Jinyoung is famous. surprise surprise.

**COOL**

 

“An early Merry Christmas to us!” Jackson announced, lifting up his beer. Jinyoung and Jaebum hastily lift their cans of beers to join Jackson’s. It was the day before Christmas Eve. They had always met up on Christmas Eve in the past but this year their schedules just simply wouldn’t coincide.

Jaebum had promised to spend Christmas eves at his parents in preparation for a relative’s wedding; Jackson planning to surprise his parents in Hong Kong and Jinyoung, well Jinyoung is always a busy man. Jackson had insisted that they got together – even though it’s a little too early – but they are huddled in Jinyoung’s apartment nevertheless.

“So Christmas Special Host eh?” Jackson wiggled his eyebrows at Jinyoung. The man across Jinyoung had grown in size from his involvement in fencing and his obsession with working out. His hair now styled very handsomely, unlike his unflattering short or ridiculously long haircuts back in high school. Three years out of school has done wonders to Jackson Wang.

“Jackson, stop it!” Jinyoung whined. “It’s no big deal!”

“No big deal? No big deal!” Jackson squealed. “Being on national TV is no big deal?” Jackson was hyperventilating (or more like exaggerating a panic attack). Jaebum laughing heartily as he grabs a chicken wing from the boxes lying in front of them. Jinyoung looked at Jaebum, hoping for some sort of help, but Jaebum just shrugged, still holding in laughter as he munched.

“Ok. Sure. I struck gold with this MC gig, but it is hardly the highlight of my acting career. There are still many things I need to achieve,” Jinyoung felt like his explanations fell to deaf ears as Jackson still has that unbelieving look cast towards him and Jaebum is still overly enjoying his fried chicken.

“You do realize this means you’re gaining recognition right?” Jackson stated with a more relaxed expression as he picked up a piece of chicken for himself.

Jinyoung nodded silently. His manager had also made a big deal out of the whole thing; he doesn’t really think Jackson is exaggerating.  He had been acting for over 2 years now and finally got his lead role in a movie last year. He knew people recognized him as an actor now but it didn’t mean that Jackson putting him in the spotlight that way made it any less embarrassing.

“You talk a lot for someone who has been on TV in both Korea and China,” Jaebum said as he sipped his drink.

“That’s right!” Jinyoung rejoiced. “You are much more famous than me!”

Entertainment is Jackson’s calling. Jinyoung had known Jackson was funny; he just never realized how well it translated into the entertainment industry. All it took was one appearance, and everything else fell into place.

“That’s all thanks to you Jinyoung-ah,” Jackson said with a cheesy grinned plastered across his face. Jinyoung felt his fingers curl at the gratitude his best friend felt. He was used to snarky remarks and teasing notions. He may have introduced Jackson to the TV world by inviting him on a show as his friend (Hong Kong Olympic fencer), but Jackson had done everything else on his own. He had no bragging rights what-so-ever.

“Jaebum, on the other hand, stop pretending that no one knows who Defsoul is!” Jackson was pointing at Jaebum with an annoyed look. “I bet he thinks he is the coolest little shit composing a whole album for that girl group with his pen name,”

Jinyoung was in no way surprised by this information. He knew Jaebum was well known composer, had his hits played in the radio a little too many times. Defsoul had been a name he used since he was in high school. No surprise there.

“How are you not surprised by this Jinyoung?” Jackson exasperated, he was probably looking for back up on his point to tease Jaebum.

“Jackson,” Jinyoung started as he loaded his plate with some rice. “We are both under the same company. What did you expect?”

Jackson sighed in defeat. “If Mark was here, he would have backed me up!”

Jinyoung stuck his tongue out cheekily in Jackson’s direction, pretending his heart didn’t drop at the sound of that name. Jaebum shakes his head disapprovingly at the two idiots in front of them as Jackson started throwing used tissue papers towards Jinyoung. 

They are lazily sprawled across Jinyoung’s living room when Jackson started to talk seriously. Jinyoung is all for serious conversations but Jackson had a knack of hitting Jinyoung where it hurt most. He hated it because Jackson was a pressuring little shit. He knew something was up and he wanted to know but Jinyoung wasn’t about to tell. He had been keeping it for 3 years now. He isn’t about to cave.

“Mark broke up with his girlfriend recently,” Jackson was lying across the couch, his arm shielding his eyes from the light above his head. “Did he tell you guys?”

Jaebum nodded meekly. He was leaning onto the couch by Jackson’s feet; his long legs stretching all the way to where Jinyoung was silently picking up the rubbish from their fight earlier. He pretended that his interest was not piqued. He had silently been wondering why Mark hadn’t came up in their conversation for awhile now. Jackson must have been trying to conceal Mark’s relationship.

_Can’t imagine why, though._

“That was like a month ago,” Jaebum said looking up at Jackson. “How is he?”

“He’s ok, I guess. Dated her for about a year, even though, he didn’t really like her in the first place,” Jackson shook his head disapprovingly. “Mark makes bad calls all the time when it comes to relationships,”

“Too fast to fall,” Jaebum said quietly.

“Is he talking to you?”

Jinyoung pretends he doesn’t hear Jackson asking him. If he played his cards right, Jackson would drop it altogether. However, Jackson catches his eyes and Jinyoung knows he had lost.

“You should talk to him. He needs you,”

Jinyoung felt his heartbeat quicken from Jackson’s surprising words. Jackson had spent a great deal of time trying to get his two best friends to reconcile. He had gone to as far as to Skype Mark in Jinyoung’s presence. Jinyoung politely smiled at him before ducking out to leave.

However, the tone Jackson was using was different. It had been different from the borderline, teasing but serious tone he used from before. Had Mark personally request for Jackson to convey this message or was Jackson so concerned that the seriousness of the situation couldn’t afford his joking tone?

  _Why would Mark need him?_

Mark must have told Jackson what had happened between them. Jackson must have figured what Jinyoung was going through. He had seen the mental breakdowns after LA. _But why would Mark need me now?_

All the stories of Mark’s relationships in LA had somehow managed to reach his ears. Jackson was bearer of these updates that always left Jinyoung’s stomach churning. It was a good thing Mark had moved on. He had dated at least three different girls by now, why would Mark suddenly need him now?

_After all this time, why suddenly now?_

 

-o0o-

 

Jinyoung finds himself at a New Year after party with some of his staff. He desperately wants to find familiar faces and just stay at home but Jaebum was still at his parents and Jackson was in China. Why he only had two very annoyingly busy people as friends are beyond him.

He pushed through the dance floor to find a place where he could hide. He had a drink in his hand and a lighter in his other, his cigarettes tucked neatly in his pocket. He greeted his seniors in the industry as he walked up to the balcony; the mansion was filled with top rating stars but Jinyoung couldn’t care less. He was starting to suffocate from the sheer fake happiness behind each face.

When he reached the balcony he stayed by the doors; sat himself on the floor in a hidden corner. He knew people liked staying at the edge, pretending to enjoy the scenery of the city view but it was just a ploy to get photographed by the paparazzi; easiest way up the ladder.  Any attention is good attention in this industry but Jinyoung would love to be appreciated for his craft; rather than his flaming hot ‘rumoured girlfriend’. He looked a bit out of place sitting crossed legged on the dirty tiles of the balcony floor but he couldn’t care less.

Jinyoung placed his drink next to him and lit a cigarette. After letting a cloud of smoke surround him he leaned on the wall behind him, feeling more at ease with himself. He usually doesn’t smoke but it quickly became a habit when he drank. The combination of alcohol and smoke were simply wrecking him further.

“So you smoke now?”

Jinyoung’s first instinct is to run. However, when he looked up to see the owner of the voice, all thoughts leave him. He froze.

_Mark?_

“May I?” Mark took a seat next to Jinyoung after Jinyoung dubiously nods in approval. He allows his long legs to stretch straight as he leans on the wall next to Jinyoung.

“What are you doing here?”

“It’s a long story,” Mark smiled coyly as he looks at Jinyoung. “You would have known if you weren’t so busy being famous.”

Jinyoung felt like he was dreaming. It felt impossible that Mark was here, a black suit and tie that complimented his body so well, hair blonde and styled with a parting that made Jinyoung’s throat dry even though he had been drinking. Was he passed a point of drunkenness that he had started hallucinating?

But it couldn’t be. He just got started. _Has he gone mad?_

“How are you here?” Jinyoung asked as nonchalantly as he could. He closes his mouth that had been wide open in shock and tried his best to compose himself. Though, it doesn’t seem to work when he accidently drops his cigarette, some of the hot ashes landing on his Saint Laurent suit pants. His manager would kill him, but he is more concerned of his disgraceful composure in front of Mark.

“I kind of got some help from Jackson. He talked to his manager about getting me in,” Mark leaned on the wall, their shoulders brushing. Jinyoung could feel his palms getting clammier by the minute. He fiddled with his box of cigarettes, mindlessly turning it in his hands to distract himself. It’s not working. He could feel the suppressed feelings resurface in him; the feelings that had haunted him since he last saw Mark.  

“How are you?” Mark looked at him and Jinyoung could feel his heartbeat fasten. Mark’s eyes were clear. There were no traces of uncertainty or resentment. His expression was soft. Jinyoung would have thought after what he did, Mark would at least have a guarded expression. But he didn’t.

Mark was simply too kind. He was the one who didn’t belong here, in this mansion of over dressed celebrities, but he didn’t look out of place; not even a bit. He wore a clam expression, almost ignorant of the chaos in the mansion. Jinyoung thinks that if Mark was a celebrity people would invite him to drink on a daily basis. Jinyoung thinks he wouldn’t be sitting on the floor with him but rather in one of the A-list circles.

Jinyoung, however, was a actor. He was the one invited. And yet, he was sitting in the corner of the room alone. Jinyoung was lost. Jinyoung had always been lost. And Mark had found him like he did when they were in school.

Mark seemed to sense the anxiety building in Jinyoung. He gently pulled the box of cigarettes out of Jinyoung’s fingers, setting it aside. Jinyoung then watched as Mark slid his fingers into his own. The spark of their fingers intertwining causing Jinyoung’s heart to skip beats. The simple gesture easing the anxiety away, Mark’s effect on him, explosive.

_I’m a spark and you’re a boom. What am I suppose to do?_

“Not so good,” Jinyoung said in a whisper. Mark looked at him with an apologetic expression plastered on his face; his hand squeezing Jinyoung’s a bit tighter. “Nothing is feeling right,”

_Nothing has felt right since I left you._

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello. i hope you like this chapter. i get a little emotional thinking about this chapter while listening to the song. i don't think i managed to potray it well. but i still hope you liked it. i'm working on the next one. promise i'll update soon <3
> 
> also check out the moodboard [here](http://gotsichi7.tumblr.com/tagged/mybnfic) (when i post it)
> 
>  


	8. TALK ME DOWN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung just wants Mark close to him.

TALK ME DOWN

 

 

Jinyoung feels like he is in one of his dreams. Or maybe he was in one of his nightmares. It’s just the bad part hasn’t started yet. Mark is talking to him calmly and Jinyoung can barely just catch the nonsense he was sprouting behind the buzz of alcohol in his head. Mark was smiling at him, small nervous smiles but smiles nonetheless.

Jinyoung is clenching his fist hard, making sure he can feel his nails dig into his palm.

_This must be a dream; this can’t be real._

Jinyoung doesn’t know if Mark is going to burst into anger in any moment because Jinyoung still can’t tell if this was reality or just his dreams or a very vivid hallucination.

In his dreams, they always talk like this. Like nothing had changed in that last 3 years. Mark smiling at him, Jinyoung telling him all the random things in the world but then, Mark is seething with anger.  In the worst of his nightmares, he hears Mark telling him he never wants to see his face again and that he hates him. Sometimes, Jinyoung wakes up feeling it’s the most ridiculous thing. But sometimes he believes it.

“Hey, are you alright? You seem tense?” Mark said. Jinyoung is awakened from his thoughts by the feeling of Mark’s warm hand on his white knuckles.

_How does this feel so real?_

Jinyoung’s grip loosens and he allows his hand to rest in Mark’s. He tried to down the alcoholic drink in his other hand but it he chokes on it and Mark is looking at him with more concern than before.  

“Is this ok?” Mark asked when Jinyoung’s coughs die down and Jinyoung knows he is talking about their interlocked hands.

 “Y-yes,”

“You don’t need to say it is... if it isn’t,” Mark doesn’t smile at him this time. His tone was indifferent and with no bad intentions. Even though the words still stings him.

“No, it’s ok,” Jinyoung squeezed Mark’s hand, making sure Mark doesn’t take it away.

_I want to hold hands with you._

“Are you having a hard time, Jinyoung?”

Jinyoung stared at Mark wondering if he should just let his guard down. His high-school best friend was sitting in front of him. All the times he had spent talking to Mark about his worries were countless. All the times Mark had talked him out of his negative thoughts. All the times Mark’s shoulder had been his to lean on.

All of those moments were just like this one.

“I guess, I’m just tired,” Jinyoung smiled. He faked a smile. If the frown on Mark’s face was any indication, Mark didn’t believe even a second of it.

“I don’t like that you think I’m going to believe that,” Mark said, reminding Jinyoung of just how honest Mark could be.

A feeling of déjà-vu washes over him. Mark had probably pointed out his lies a thousand times. But it has been at least 3 years since and the thought makes his heart feel heavy. Heavy because he was the one who caused the unnecessary distance between them.

Jinyoung smiled but he doesn’t say anything. He had been caught in a lie but instead of feeling wronged he feels calm. After all these years, Mark still could read him like the back of his hand.

“I just don’t want to talk about me right now. Let’s just talk about something else ok?”

Mark smiles and Jinyoung feels himself relax.

“I was talking about myself just now but apparently you’re too drunk to listen,”

“Hey, I’m not drunk,” Jinyoung scowled, offended as he lightly hits Mark’s side with his free hand. He is aware they were still holding hands now. The thought makes him nervous but the good kind of nervous.

“Yeah right,” Mark said so teasingly. Jinyoung wished his heart didn’t flutter like a school girl with a crush but it did. “It’s not so fun being famous?”

Jinyoung wants to laugh. Okay. Maybe he was drunk. Mark was only this funny when he was drunk.

“I wanted to act, being famous feels like the unwanted side effects of medication,”

Mark laughed and Jinyoung can’t believe he hadn’t heard that laugh in 3 years. He hates how happy he feels. He hates how much he was enjoying Mark’s presence already.

_All he needed to be was here and I already feel so happy._

They share a comfortable silence for awhile. The kind Jinyoung missed the most. And then the conversation steers itself to everything else; the random parts of life that Jinyoung has or hasn’t heard of from Jackson or Jaebum in offhanded comments. Jinyoung can’t help but feel like Mark hasn’t changed. The chemistry between them was still so strong. He thought he might have ruined with his silence towards Mark but he hadn’t.

Life tore them apart but when brought together they were still the same.

Jinyoung still loved him.

Even if in the end, he might not be the one for Mark. Even if they didn’t have a future together, Mark still has this effect on him; the one that made him feel like he was enough for Mark, the one that made him feel like he was made for Mark.

 

-o0o-

 

They find themselves in Mark’s hotel room. Jinyoung doesn’t quite protest when he was pushed in the cab along with the sounds of Mark’s laughter. Jinyoung giggling on the bed as Mark animatedly told the story of crazy flatmates.

“He was walking around the flat in scuba flippers and underwear on his head. It was crazy,” Mark said, finally flopping down on the bed. His eyes glance at Jinyoung from where he lay next to the spot Jinyoung is sitting, his legs still on the ground. His breathing laboured from all the movements he was doing in his story telling.

“College sounds like fun,” Jinyoung chuckled.

Mark smiled at him and Jinyoung ignored the fluttering in his chest.

“It’s kind of late. You should just sleep here,” Mark said breaking the comfortable silence. His voice exposing something Jinyoung could only read as nervousness. “I’ll sleep on the couch,” Mark added awkwardly pointing at the couch at the end of the room.

Jinyoung grimaced. Here he was giggling away feeling like nothing had changed but something obviously has.

“Mark...”

Mark looked at him. He clearly didn’t expect any objections on the sleeping arrangements.

 “I want to sleep next to you,” Jinyoung could hear himself slurring his words. He could hear the loud thumping of his heart. Jinyoung could feel a blush creep up to his cheeks as he watched Mark smile at him.

“It’s ok, Jinyoung. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable,”

Goddammit, Mark was so _so_ kind.

“No, I want to sleep next to you,” Jinyoung feels ashamed that the words that left his mouth were so whiny. But he continues, “It’s all I want to do right now.”

Mark hesitated for a moment and Jinyoung could see Mark’s dilemma through his eyes. For a second it seems like he wants to walk away, towards the couch but he stayed frozen the next second. Finally, Mark takes his jacket off and slinks into the bed next to Jinyoung.

“Hey, do you wanna talk?” Mark murmured into the darkness of the room. Jinyoung doesn’t remember when Mark had closed the lights.

Jinyoung tried to contain a smile creeping up his cheeks. Mark had always said the right thing at the right time. Mark had always coaxed him to opening up. Mark had always been the one to knock him out of his shell without even having to use force.

Jinyoung shifts to his side so he is facing Mark. For a moment he lets a smile break on his face as his eyes meet Mark’s. His heavy thoughts slip as he places his hand on Mark’s shoulder and slowly brings it down to find Mark’s hand.

He then grabs that hand and places it on his cheek and closes his eyes.

For a moment he is back in LA, in Mark’s room. For a moment he is back to the point before Mark kissed him and changed everything about their friendship. It wasn’t that he preferred it that way. It was just less complicated.

Mark was special to him and he was special to Mark.

“Hey,” Mark whispered and it registered in Jinyoung’s mind just how close they were. Mark must have moved closer because he could feel his breath on his forehead as Mark spoke. “What’s going on?”

Jinyoung open his eyes and he is swallowed by the seemingly flawless face in front of him. They were so close that His vision was only limited to Mark’s face. Jinyoung scanned it for a moment. Drinking in the familiar but foreign face in front of him. Time has made Mark’s face grow. He no longer looked like a young boy but rather he was a man. Mark’s gaze meets his and Jinyoung could see he was still expecting an answer.

_I don’t know what’s wrong..._

Jinyoung might have shut himself down, trying to numb away his pain. Jinyoung might have been drowning himself in work. Everything in Jinyoung’s life was gray. Everything in Jinyoung’s life was mundane. He felt nothing but emptiness because he didn’t allow himself to feel.

Because for a long time, hurt was all he felt.

And hurt is all he doesn’t want to feel.

“Jinyoung,” Mark whispered again. His voice was nowhere near forceful. His eyes looking at Jinyoung with concerned. His thumb was slowly stroking his cheek.

And Jinyoung felt hurt but it was unlike any hurt he had felt before. He felt hurt because Mark cared for him. He felt hurt that he didn’t deserve any of Mark’s concern. Yet here he was.

“It hurts, Mark,”

Mark furrowed his eyebrows at Jinyoung. “Why does it hurt?”

“It hurts that you care that it does hurt,”

“You’re not making much sense, Park Jinyoung,”

“Nothing in this world makes much sense, Mark Tuan,”

Mark lets out a small chuckle and lets the hand that was previously on his cheek loop his neck and he pulled Jinyoung into an awkward hug. Jinyoung relished at the familiar warmth of Mark. He smelt different (like expensive cologne and hairspray) and his hands were awkwardly placed but it all felt like some part of home.

“I’ve missed you,” Jinyoung muffled against Mark’s neck. His emotions were running wild; so wild that he couldn’t hold it in.”I’ve missed you so much,”

Mark pulls himself apart with a small smile etched on his face. Jinyoung thinks for a moment he had gone too far. He had crossed the line. But then Mark comes all too close to him. There was barely any space between their bodies. His lips ghosting over Jinyoung’s making Jinyoung’s breath come to a complete stop.

“I really want to kiss you, Jinyoung.” Mark breathes. “I really want to kiss you but I don’t want to do the same mistakes I did,”

Jinyoung stares dead into Mark eyes and saw how vulnerable Mark felt. His heart thrumming so loud that he was sure even Mark could hear it.

“If you don’t mind...” Mark trails. “I know you’ve always been big on expectations but I don’t expect anything in return,”

“If you don’t mind, I want to cross this line,”

And Mark kisses him.

It was like everything else didn’t matter. The taste of his lips, the passion in the way their lips move against each other and the way his hand held his neck with desperation. Jinyoung’s mind was getting clouded further by the need to have Mark close and his heart thumping so hard all he could focus was the muted growl coming from Mark’s throat.

They break apart with a gasp, their lungs shouting for air. Jinyoung lets out a loud huff feeling the weight in his heart leave entirely.

“Mark...” Jinyoung started. He was actually drawing the line now. The panic was setting in. It was all getting too real now. _But I’m not the one if we’re honest..._

“I know,” Mark whispered before capturing Jinyoung’s lips again. His arms pulling him closer by the waist and Jinyoung lets him because it’s all he wants to do right now. Be with Mark even if it was just tonight. Jinyoung wanted it.

_The less time that I spend with you, the less you need to heal._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in many ways than one, i am an idiot. not really satisfied with this one. and i wanted a double update but the next one is taking too long. so i'll just post this first.
> 
> comments will be much appreciated. i'm feeling like there are things i can improve but i have no idea what it is. so maybe some help?
> 
> lol. 
> 
> but anyway. hope you enjoyed. next chapter will be up soon. (i hope)
> 
> p/s: thanks for all the support so far!!! 40 kudos means a lot to me!!! *\\(^~^)/* i am ever grateful even if u're shy to say hi :3


	9. TOO GOOD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Park Jinyoung is too good for Mark Tuan but it is all he needs.

**TOO GOOD**

 

Mark threads his fingers in Jinyoung’s hair. Jinyoung lets out the breath of relief that reminded Mark of how cats purred. Mark has to remind himself to not feel too happy. Jinyoung may have said he wanted to sleep next to him but it could easily mean nothing to Jinyoung. Jinyoung may have allowed a kiss but Mark knows it didn’t mean anything to the other. Not as much as it means to Mark, at least.

Mark despises himself sometimes. Mostly, when he realizes that he is such a fool for the other. Jinyoung has him from the moment Mark laid eyes on the other. Jinyoung’s out of place politeness from the very first day they met had ultimately knocked Mark right out of the park. It may have started out as curiosity (at least in Mark’s head it had) but unmistakably, Mark is smitten, heads over heels, whatever anyone wants to call it.

He knows there is no way he could deny Jinyoung the way Jinyoung so easily denied him.

Mark is notorious for doing things without really thinking it all the way through. He may have been reserved about talking about how he felt, but when he felt there was something he needed to do; he would do it, without thought of the consequences. Mark liked to blame it on his adventurous nature. He was sort of a daredevil; a reckless, risk ignorant daredevil. He had a thrill from breaking the rules, running on spontaneous plans and laughs in the face of the unknown.

That’s why Jinyoung has him smitten.

Jinyoung was almost the exact opposite of Mark. He followed the rules. He may bend them but he got no particular thrill from breaking them. He was calculative with everything he did. He kept his actions guarded all the time; always the one with a plan. And Jinyoung hated when things were uncertain. At least that what Mark thinks. Mark also thinks that unraveling Jinyoung is the biggest adventure in his life; he had been doing it since they were in school. And he plans to continue doing it for as long as Jinyoung allowed him.

All he wants is to see Jinyoung’s raw emotion; all he wants is Park Jinyoung in all truthfulness. He had seen glimpses; Jinyoung under the influence of alcohol and late night thoughts; Jinyoung driven by lust, kissing him; Jinyoung talking about his family in the privacy of his own room. It’s all he thinks of the real Park Jinyoung only his to see.

So it didn’t matter if Mark cries, it doesn’t matter if his love is unrequited. All he needs is to make sure Jinyoung still trusts him to show him what he loves about Jinyoung. It didn’t even matter that he left the comfort of his home for a chance to see this.

He runs his thumb across Jinyoung’s cheek, marveling at the softness. He traced Jinyoung’s jaw line from his ear to his chin. His eyes stop at those sinful lips. He wants to just kiss them again but he doesn’t.

Jinyoung’s eyes flutter open and Mark felt his heart stop. Their faces were simply too close. Mark prepared himself to be shoved aside. If Jinyoung could sense his love, he would leave like he had done once before. The panic that he had been caught sets in and he prepared himself for the rejection. He has heard it before but it would still hurt as much as the first time.

But Jinyoung doesn’t push him aside. Jinyoung looked at him with large round eyes that made Mark flush, inching closer by the millisecond until their lips met. Mark is all too shocked that Jinyoung had kissed him first but it takes him only a millisecond longer to melt into the kiss.

It takes him only a millisecond longer for the liquid guilt in form of Jinyoung’s lips to hit him.

_I’m wasted on you._

Mark’s eyes close, concentrating on the neediness of Jinyoung’s kisses. His hand automatically finds its place on Jinyoung’s thigh, pulling him in closer. A moan escaped Jinyoung’s lips when their tongues meet and Mark felt the temperature rising fast. The lingering tastes of cigarette surprisingly only arousing him further. Mark could feel desperation in Jinyoung’s each touch. His fingertips were struggling against Mark’s clothes to find some skin.

Jinyoung’s hand gripped the shirt by his waist and Mark feels hot all over. Everything was so hot that he could feel sweat forming on his back. Jinyoung forcefully pulls him closer accidently grinding his growing arousal on Mark’s stomach. The friction caused an animalistic groan to leave Jinyoung’s mouth.

 All of Mark’s resolve shatters from the mere sound.

He pushed Jinyoung into the bed and climbs on top of him. Jinyoung’s eyes widening at the sudden roughness. Mark holds in his possessive growl by kissing Jinyoung’s exposed neck. His mouth nibbling the hot skin beneath him, licking the marks he was leaving behind. His hips grind down on Jinyoung’s crotch to create delicious friction, eliciting incoherence from the other. He groans at the intruding fabric of their pants and Jinyoung’s blissful moans were doing nothing but fuelling Mark’s desperation. His hips moved frantically, desperate to feel friction between their clothed erections.

 “M-Mark…” Jinyoung moaned. “Slow down… it’s been awhile,”

The way Mark’s name rolled off Jinyoung’s moan in that atrociously sexy tone made Mark’s sanity questionable. He wants to hear it again and again. But he holds himself above Jinyoung’s face, watching the pleasure travel on his face as he continues to grind him with a slower pace. Jinyoung was sinfully delicious. There was no way he could deny such beauty; lips parted, eyes squeezed shut in pleasure, squirming.

_Anything for Jinyoung._

“Mark, please…”

Something snaps in the back of Mark’s mind at Jinyoung’s pleads. The memory of the last time their skin had met this way flashes before him. The fear was setting into his heart; the fear that history was repeating. He was doing the same thing and the result will come out the same. Mark had loved Jinyoung, but he had left, without a second glance.

_Oh I’m so scared…_

“Please don’t stop...” Jinyoung moans loudly, arching his back and his hands on either side of Mark’s waist gripping his skin to pull him down and the fear melts away.

_It’s just for tonight._

Mark catches Jinyoung’s lips for a heated kiss as his hands work on the buckle of Jinyoung’s belt. His thoughts are driven out by the desire to hold Jinyoung close to him; fill in the distance built between them in the 3 years.

Mark felt his heart swell at the lustful glare Jinyoung was casting on him. Jinyoung was watching Mark work on unbuckling the younger’s pants. Jinyoung was breathing heavily. His hands were working on unbuttoning the front of Mark’s shirt. A satisfied moan escaped his mouth when he finally could touch Mark’s toned body.

“You’ve been working out,” Jinyoung breathed. “You’re so fucking sexy.”

Mark tried to suppress the blush creeping up his face. How did Jinyoung manage to say it so sexily and at the same time make his heart flutter like a school girl?

It doesn’t take long until they are skin to skin. The feeling familiar to Mark; euphoric but at the same time a heavy sentiment lingered. Jinyoung’s body was familiar against his own as they kiss languidly. Yet, everything felt different.

Jinyoung’s once slender body was now replaced with firm muscles. Jinyoung’s once adolescent voice now replaced with a smooth mellow tone. The awkwardness in his movements from 3 years ago replaced with confidence. Mark can’t help but wonder about the other sexual encounters he had had since their first. Mark can’t help but feel slightly jealous.

Jinyoung’s hand reached for Mark’s lower body but Mark grabs him. He pushed Jinyoung roughly on the bed, pinning his arms above his head. Jinyoung lets out a whimper.

“No touching, Jinyoung” Mark growled into Jinyoung’s ear. “Not yet,”

Jinyoung lets a whine escape his sinful lips that shoots directly to Mark’s arousal.

_Damn, he is too good._

Mark wrapped his hand around Jinyoung’s cock, loving the lovely sounds of approval Jinyoung was making. He jerks Jinyoung mercilessly, eager to hear more. Loving the way Jinyoung’s body was reacting to him. Moans escaping Jinyoung’s mouth in between labored breath and his back ached beautifully. Mark could make out his name in the incoherence of sounds Jinyoung was making.

Mark slowed down his pumps as he places himself in between Jinyoung’s legs, taking in the sight of the leaking precum down Jinyoung’s shaft.

“Wh-what are you doing?” Jinyoung moaned, impatient.

Mark smirked before he licked the tip. He loved the shudder that runs through Jinyoung’s body at the contact. Mark waits for a second, letting Jinyoung curl his fingers in his hair rather roughly. Jinyoung was impatient and it made Mark crazy with lust.

_Too damn good._

Mark didn’t need Jinyoung’s hand tugging his hair closer to take Jinyoung’s length fully in his mouth.

 “F-fuck,” Jinyoung moaned, fringe sticking to his forehead and eyes close shut in concentration as Mark slowly took in Jinyoung’s cock at an excruciatingly slow pace. “Stop teasing me,”

Mark ignored his pleas.

He knew what drove Jinyoung crazy and the mere thought of that was enough to drive him up the wall. He wants to unravel Jinyoung. He wanted Jinyoung to lose control from pleasure.

So he sucked Jinyoung slowly, ignoring the whines of the younger beneath him. He let his tongue tease the tip before swallow Jinyoung up to the base, his lips tightening around the younger. His hands applied just enough pressure on Jinyoung’s balls so that Jinyoung is writhing under him.

“Ngh… Mark, p-please”

Mark smirked onto Jinyoung’s dick. He fastens his pace, using both his hands and mouth to stroke Jinyoung. His tongue teases Jinyoung’s slit with each stroke. Mark knows Jinyoung loved this by the way Jinyoung’s fingers shake in his hair. He could feel the heat radiating from Jinyoung’s body enough to make his own arousal throb.

“Oh, s-shit! It feels so g-good,”

Mark released Jinyoung with a small pop, earning a delicious whine. Jinyoung was already close and Mark loved every moment of it. Mark had made him this way. Jinyoung was so sexy when he let his guard down.

_Too good to be good for me_

Mark rummages through his luggage for lube and a condom. For a second, he is grateful that he had thought of bringing it. Usually, Mark sucks at packing.

It isn’t too long before Mark has a well lubricated finger in Jinyoung’s entrance. Slowly preparing Jinyoung so the younger wouldn’t get hurt.

“Jinyoung, you’re so tight,” Mark groaned. Jinyoung bucked onto his fingers so sexily that Mark was having trouble breathing.

“Mark, hurry!” Jinyoung almost screamed when Mark pumped three fingers in and out of Jinyoung’s entrance.

“F-fuck. Mark, please”

“What do you want, Jinyoung? Tell me,”

“Fuck me please,” Jinyoung whimpered. “I need your cock in me now,”

_Too bad that it’s all I need_

Mark flips Jinyoung over, so that Jinyoung ass was in the air. He takes a moment to admire the sight of Jinyoung’s ass in the air, entrance inviting him. Mark squeezes Jinyoung’s butt hard, loving the supple skin under his touch and the red marks he leaves behind.

Jinyoung whined at the abuse, his butt wiggling impatiently. Mark slowly sinks himself into Jinyoung and kisses Jinyoung’s back as he lets Jinyoung get accustomed to his size. He closed his eyes in concentration as he tried not to succumb to the need to move there and then with the warmth enveloping his dick. It takes all of his efforts not to just fuck Jinyoung mercilessly; especially since Jinyoung’s ass was sucking him in so deliciously.

_Too fucking good_

“Mark”

It’s too sexy the way his name is moaned by the other. It should be illegal. He doesn’t need telling further that Jinyoung wants him to move. And Mark complies. Because _anything for Jinyoung._

Mark hips find its own rhythm. Mark roughly holding Jinyoung’s hips in place that he knows there would be hand marks tomorrow. Pleasurable moans left his mouth at a rate he could no longer control.

“Shit-t, there!” Jinyoung screamed when Mark hit the pleasure spot. Mark felt himself close to his orgasm at the way Jinyoung was clenching down on him. Mark’s hips now roughly thrusting into Jinyoung, determined to hit Jinyoung at his sensitive spot each time. He pumped Jinyoung in time with his thrust. Their grunts and moans of pleasure echo in the room.

“Mark… I’m cumming,”

Jinyoung’s orgasm hits and Mark rides out his orgasm with an unceremonious grunt.

_I’m wasted on you._

 

 ---==o0o==----

 

Mark’s eyes flutter open when he felt sunlight interrupting his sleep. It takes him a moment to realize where he was. It takes him a moment to realize that he had fallen asleep with another person in bed with him but woke up in the same bed alone. It takes him a moment to realize he was embarrassingly naked under the hotel sheets.

A wave of panic hits him as soon as he realized that he was alone in this huge bed and there were a thousand and one reasons that he had ended up in this situation. The big one being Jinyoung had left without an explanation. _Again._

His heart drops at the thought.

Jinyoung was obviously wasted last night. He wasn’t thinking when he had invited Mark in his bed. He wasn’t thinking when he kissed Mark. Mark had taken advantage of the situation because as painful it was to admit that to Jinyoung everything was merely physical, it wasn’t to him. Mark loved him. Mark loved Jinyoung to a point that it didn’t matter if they were friends, best friends, fuck buddies or lovers. All that mattered was Jinyoung was in his life. He couldn’t go another second trying to deny he had ever moved on from Jinyoung. He couldn’t go another second thinking of Jinyoung but not being able to talk to him.

But Mark had screwed up. And he was lying alone in an overly comfy hotel bed.

Just as Mark was about to mentally punish himself, he hears the sound of running water in the toilet.

Mark sat down and takes a look at the mess that was his hotel room and realized that pieces of Jinyoung’s suit were laid scattered across the floor, forgotten. Mark let out a small sigh of relief. Even if he had screwed things up, he could probably still coax Jinyoung to stay. Jinyoung hadn’t left just yet. He still had even the tiniest hope.

“You’re awake?” Jinyoung’s voice wakes him from his train of thought. “I hope you don’t mind that I borrowed a sweater,”

Mark’s chest tightened at the sight of Jinyoung. He was in one of Mark’s oversized sweater, wearing nothing but that. The sweater barely covered his amazingly tight boxer shorts, showing of Jinyoung’s long legs that were setting off alarms in the back of Mark’s mind. Not to mention, the collarbone peaking from the sweater, the white skin peppered with light bruises that Mark doesn’t remember placing.

Mark has to clear his throat in an attempt to swallow all dangerous thoughts.

Jinyoung approached the bed with a wide smile. “Do you have any plans today?”

Mark shook his head, not trusting himself to use his voice. Jinyoung had sweater paws and it was making Mark’s heart do flips. Jinyoung was cute and sexy and Mark doesn’t know what to do with himself.

“Good,” Jinyoung sighed as he climbed into the bed, tackling Mark into a bear hug, placing himself into Mark’s lap with ease. Jinyoung rested his head on Mark’s shoulder and his arms wrapped around Mark’s bare torso. Mark tried not to blush when Jinyoung buried his nose into Mark’s hair, sniffing it loudly and made the most adorable content noise as he exhaled. Jinyoung fit into the mold of his body liked he belong there and Mark tried not to think too deeply about it.

“How are you feeling?” Mark said trying to change the topic. He wiggled out of Jinyoung’s embrace and looked at the younger in the eye.

“My head feels a bit heavy but besides that, I’m ok,” Jinyoung smiled making Mark feel weak. “What about you?”

“A-OK!”

“What do you think about room service? I’m starving” Jinyoung groaned. Mark nodded.

“I’ll go get the menu,” Jinyoung said. He bounced of the bed and laughed slightly as he stumbled on his own limbs. He mused at Mark with a dorky smile before diving towards Mark to place a peck on his lips leaving Mark shocked. “I’ll be back,”

Mark watched him do a small run to the other side of the room, rummaging the drawers for the room service menu. He then meets Mark’s stare with a bright smile.

“I found it!” he beamed happily, his eye whiskers showing.

Mark hadn’t seen that smile directed to him for so long. It’s so genuinely happy that Mark feels like it’s his wildest dreams.

_Too good to be good for me_

The fear sets in his mind when he realizes this may be temporary. It had been in LA. It would probably be now.  Everything about Jinyoung at the moment was too good to be true and Mark feels guilty about the warmth he felt when Jinyoung stumbled back into the bed, finding comfort on his lap as he leans into Mark’s embrace. The thought of how all of this was too good and too much of a good thing is never good.

_Too bad that it’s all I need_

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! i worte smut and i am utterly embarrassed. >,,< thank you so much for the comments!!
> 
> well i hope you guys like this update :D working on the next one already. also as usual the moodboards for each chapter so far are [here](http://gotsichi7.tumblr.com/tagged/mybnfic) (i forgot to link it in the last chapter but oh well)


	10. BITE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiss me on the mouth and set me free but please don't bite

** BITE **

 

Mark thinks he deserved a break. It’s only been a week since he had arrived in Korea and between trying to catch up with the pace at work and living a sociable life, he was exhausted. He still hasn’t found a house for him to rent out which was within his budget and the money his parents had lent him for his move was slowly depleting. Worst part was Jinyoung hasn’t been talking to him for at least 3 day 2 hours and 14 minutes but who the hell was counting. Apparently, Mark was.

He hadn’t realized how hard it would be to have to fend for himself. He was used to not worrying about money. He was used to skipping class and making it past the passing mark in his classes and he was used to running back home to his parent’s house when it all got to overbearing. But right now, he was at a bit of a loss.

Jinyoung had been missing in action for 3 days. Jaebum was busy writing the next kpop hit and Jackson was in China. He could just join his colleagues for some drinks but with the thought of his slowly vanishing money and crippling fear of getting locked in jail for not paying for the hotel made it clear that his hands were tied.

He sighed as he dragged his feet to walk back to the hotel. He had decided on walking to save him a few extra bucks. It was probably ridiculous. He could always just ask for some more money from his parents, but they had already done enough. Honestly, Mark was ashamed.

He had came back for a standing chance with Jinyoung but Jinyoung was nowhere to be found. His calls went straight to voicemail and he never replied any of his text. Jaebum had said he was probably out of town and Jaebum was probably right. They were in the same company after all. Jaebum also said he was an idiot for making so little plans for something as big as moving to Korea. Jaebum was right but he wasn’t about to give Jaebum ideas that he was.

Mark stopped at an intersection, waiting for the pedestrian light to turn green and noticed skin product advertisement on the side of the building. It’s Jinyoung smiling down at him with an almost teasing smile. Mark smiled back at him. Even though he feels like a fool for smiling at the advertisement but it was a rough day and all he wanted was to fall into Jinyoung’s arms. All he needed was to see, hear from the younger.

Even though, he can’t have that because he had set the terms of the relationship himself. He wanted nothing in return which was a big lie to begin with and still was a big lie now. He may have started regretting it but  it was too late. He was a phoenix in a fire, burning himself for a standing chance with Park Jinyoung.

Mark lets out a sigh of relief when he finally reached his hotel. He practically ran to the elevator to find his way to his room. His legs were just about to give in when he sees a person standing in front of his door. The person was evidently trying to look into the peep hole.

_Who was looking for him? Was he a thief?_

The man taller and obviously much better built. With the exhaustion he felt, there was no way he could fight the guy. But all he wanted was to fall back into his bed and he wasn’t in the mood to handle such obstacles. So he charged forward. Hoping that if anything happened, he could just scream and a staff would come by and help him get rid of this intruder.

“Excuse me?”

It’s then the man turned to him and Mark dropped all his things in the hall way to run to the said man. They were hugging and he was hauled up by the other from the sheer excitement as they collided.

“Jinyoung!”

Mark laughed because he hadn’t felt as happy as this moment since the time Jinyoung had left him for work a week ago. “What are you doing here?”

Jinyoung let Mark down but didn’t let Mark out of his embrace. He nuzzled his face into the crook of Mark’s neck. “I missed you,”

Mark could feel his heart swell. “Let’s get inside,”

Mark tried to unlock the door with a clingy Jinyoung around his waist. He tried to calm his bursting heart as they enter the room, Jinyoung still unrelenting. They were stuck in the middle of the room when Mark finally decides there was no use in trying to make Jinyoung let go. So he melts into Jinyoung’s embrace.

His eyes finally meet Jinyoung’s red face; probably from the bustling wind outside prickling his skin or from crying, Mark can’t quite tell. He reached for Jinyoung’s face and strokes his cheeks. It was ice cold and Mark decides that the redness in his eyes was the wind. Mark’s eyes were probably red too, sore from the icy winds.

They stay in complete silence for a moment. Mark was softly warming Jinyoung’s cold fingers by puffing hot breath on it and rubbing them in his hands. Jinyoung was clutching onto him like it was the only thing that was keeping him together.

“What’s going on, Jinyoung?” Mark finally broke the silence once he was satisfied with the temperature of Jinyoung’s fingers. “Did something happen?”

Jinyoung looks at him with a blank expression.

“I just really really wanted to see you,”

Mark’s eyes watched Jinyoung pale lips move as he speaks and he thinks of warming it with his own. _Kiss me on the mouth and set me free._

“And I’m here,” Mark inched his face closer. “I’ve always been here”

_I can be the subject of your dreams, your sickening desire._

Jinyoung visibly swallowed and Mark could tell he was nervous.

_Don’t you wanna see your man up close?_

“Jinyoungie,” a whisper leaves his mouth. “Don’t you want to kiss me?”

Jinyoung crashed his lips onto Mark’s causing Mark to let out a little whimper of surprise. It was forceful and passionate but elaborate enough to pass the emotion Jinyoung was feeling. Jinyoung’s lips seeking dominance, his tongue eager to find its way through heat and Mark was loving every second of it that his legs were starting to become weak. His knees eventually give in as Jinyoung hands roughly unzips his jacket, and they fall into a mess of limbs on the bed. Mark feels the trouble from his mind fade as he felt Jinyoung’s still slightly chilly hand making it past his shirt to caress his sides. His hot skin shuddered under the cold touch that sends a pleasant wave throughout his body. For a moment he forgets of his expectations, though as he moans Jinyoung’s name as the younger sucks a sensitive spot on his neck, it wasn’t just lust.

_So kiss me on the mouth and set me free but please don’t bite._

 

-o0o-

 

Everything about Mark was hot. The way he moaned Jinyoung’s name into his ear as Jinyoung sucked the sensitive skin near his neck was hot. The way his hands were tugging his hair as he squirmed under Jinyoung’s touch was hot. The way his eyes followed Jinyoung’s every move and touch on his body was hot.

Everything about Mark Tuan was hot.

But he wasn’t just hot. He was warm like the feeling of sunlight on a nice evening pouring into his chilly room. He was warm like the soup his mother had prepared for him before work. He was warm like the sips of hot tea he drank in the middle of the night. He was warm like the feeling in Jinyoung’s heart when Mark smiled at his. He was warm like the feeling on his skin at where Mark huffed his hot breath to keep him warm.

_You can coax the cold right out of me, drape me in your warmth._

“Jinyoun-ngh,” Mark moaned louder than before as Jinyoung sucked his nipple particularly hard. It was hard to control himself when Mark was hot and warm and everything in between.

It’s a given he would lose control.

Jinyoung kisses Mark as Mark desperately tried to strip Jinyoung of his clothes. His hands were moving quickly from his jacket to his shirt to the buckle of his belt. It’s amazing how fast Mark’s hands could handle his clothing.

He sighed in content when they finally fall back onto the sheets, Jinyoung pressed into the mattress as Mark palmed him through the thin cloth of his underwear. He groans into their linked lips, bucking his hips into Mark’s touch because _oh crap does this feel so good._

_The rapture in the dark puts me at ease._

“Mark-k,” Jinyoung’s voice breaks as Mark mercilessly pumped him. “I’m going to...”

And his orgasm hits him making his hips buck in the elder’s hands and his mouth open in a silent scream of pleasure. He lay spent on the bed as Mark continued to pepper kisses on his sticky skin. He then grabbed the tissue box on the night stand and hands it to Mark prompting him to clean the mess on his hands. He then pushes Mark into the sheets and finds his place between his legs.

“You don’t have to, Jinyoung,” Mark whispered. It was slightly insincere and Jinyoung could understand considering his arousal was leaking with precum.

“Oh, baby, but I want to,” he answers coyly before experimentally licking the tip of Mark’s dick. He was rewarded with a groan from Mark and it was enough to cause a twitch in his already limp cock. Jinyoung teased Mark by licking and licking just the tip, making it wet but never fully taking him in his mouth.

“F-fuck, Jinyoung” Mark moaned. “Stop teasing me and get on with it!”

“Glad you asked,”

Jinyoung loved the feeling of Mark filling his mouth. The sounds of Mark moaning his name as he bobbed his head along the length of his cock made Jinyoung desperate for friction. He used his hand to stroke along the length to cover any part his mouth couldn’t. Jinyoung loved the tug in his hair as Mark was starting to lose control to the pleasure, his fingers pulling Jinyoung’s hair roughly, gagging him on his cock making him groan at the sensation.

“It feels so g-good, Jinyoung!”

It was hot and sloppy as Mark fucked his mouth that Jinyoung couldn’t bear it. He started stroking himself moaning at the delicious taste of Mark in his mouth. Mark came into his mouth with a particularly rough pull of his hair which made Jinyoung explode into his own hand. He was exhausted but satisfied as he collapsed next to Mark on the bed.

Jinyoung could barely open his eyes as he felt Mark drape his warmth around his sticky body. They smelt like sweat and sex but Jinyoung couldn’t be bothered to get up. He opened his eyes as much as he could to catch Mark staring at him with the fondness Jinyoung knew so well.

_He loves me and oh, how much I love him..._

“Hey, Mark” Jinyoung could feel his abused throat protesting as the words left his mouth. “I’ve been thinking...”

_Let’s go for a walk on easy street, where you could be reborn..._

“Do you wanna move in with me?”

Mark eyes flew wide open with shock. Maybe this wasn’t the topic to ask post-coital but he had been thinking about it all week. He had been thinking about coming back home into Mark’s arms for a whole week. He had tried to distance himself but he couldn’t lie to himself anymore. This was what he wanted. No matter what the consequences, this was what he wanted and he would do whatever it takes for it to work out.

“M-move in with you?” Mark stuttered with an uncertain face. Jinyoung could see he doubted Jinyoung’s intentions and Jinyoung couldn’t blame him considering their history it was expected. Jinyoung had led Mark on before and he was still doing it slightly right now but Jinyoung didn’t want that any more. He needed Mark to understand it loud and clear that this wasn’t just friendly anymore. There was no point in just being friends when they were obviously in love.

“Yes, move in with me.” Jinyoung managed. “Move in with me, live with me. Be my boyfriend,”

If Mark’s eyes were wide just now, it was wider now.

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m heads over heels in love with you,” Jinyoung whispered now because it was embarrassing. It was embarrassing and true.

Mark seems to ease himself at the words and breaks into a wide smile.

“Glad you are because so am I,”

Jinyoung’s heart seemingly stopped as their lips meet. Their lips were no stranger to each other but this kiss was like none before. Their lips moved with unconcealed affection and clear of lust but rather adoration. It’s languid and slow and everything Jinyoung craved.

_Kiss me on the mouth and set me free._

_But please don’t bite._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello :), i'll be off for holiday during the week. just thought i'll update before i leave. I might drop another chapter tmr. 
> 
> just in case i don't drop the chapter tmr (because proofreading is hard), HAPPY HALLOWEEEEN!!!!
> 
> hope you liked the chapter <3333333
> 
>  
> 
> p/s: the links in the prev chapters to my tumblr/moodboards are broken because i changed to a halloween username. it's ghostsichi7 but it'll be gotsichi7 again when halloween is over, so i'm not gonna fix the links. but anyway. i'm rambling. thanks for all the support!
> 
> p/p/s: that was too long for a ps. OTL


	11. FOOLS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Only fools fall for Mark Tuan

** FOOLS **

 

Jinyoung lights up his cigarette as he sits on the lone chair at the open window of his apartment. The apartment was dark except for the lights from the kitchen and the city sky from outside his window. He rarely smokes in the apartment unless friends where around but he felt tonight he needed one before he hit the bed. He needed one cigarette and a warm glass of tea. He sipped on the tea and takes a drag, relishing on the bitter taste in his mouth.

It’s a weird sort of comfort, knowing the damage the smoke was doing to him.

He wouldn’t say it out loud but it was probably a coping mechanism that he had developed to take the edge off; a punishment for not doing enough or doing the wrong thing. Jinyoung was a perfectionist and sometimes there were things he couldn’t do perfectly and the dissatisfaction wouldn’t go away if he didn’t punish himself. He resorts to cigarettes on most days because smoking was acceptable; smoking was hurting him in the most subtle way. Anything else would leave marks and anything else would warrant worry. He should probably stop but its nights like this that he feels he needs it the most.

He doesn’t know what he had expected when he asked Mark to move in with him. He kind of thought once you confess your feelings, naturally things would work out. He had been honest to Mark and he thinks he has been all the things a good boyfriend would be. But he could see how stressed and how miserable Mark was.

And he couldn’t tell why.

At first, Jinyoung thought he should wait for Mark to confide in him. Mark usually took his time to come around but he would eventually tell Jinyoung what was bothering him. But weeks past by and Mark still went to work with a deep sigh and came back with a deep frown. When Jinyoung prodded him, he would put on a facade that only made Jinyoung furious.

Did the 3 years they spend apart change Mark? Was Jinyoung too quick to assume that he still knew Mark? Was he sure that they were exactly the same like they were 3 years ago? Did they really have the same bond they once had?

Because it felt like it didn’t.

Jinyoung shouldn’t have cut all contact with Mark that day he had left. He shouldn’t have left when he knew perfectly well that he was head over heels for Mark. He was an idiot to think that he could lie to himself that way. He was an idiot to think that they wouldn’t change despite the distance and time. Was it his fault they were drifting apart?

Jinyoung doesn’t understand it.

He yelped at the sudden heat he felt on his finger. He had accidently burnt himself with his own cigarette. The red mark on his index finger serving as further evidence that he is an idiot. He couldn’t even hold a cigarette properly.

Jinyoung stared at his now cold tea. He only had one sip and completely zoned out. He wondered if he had any alcohol left in the kitchen. He wondered if Mark noticed he was out of bed. He wondered if Mark was sleeping soundly. He wondered if Mark would wake up from the sounds of him rummaging the cabinets for a bottle opener.

He wanted a beer. Just one beer would do.

_Only fools fall for you_

1) Mark Tuan was way out of his league. Not only was he Jinyoung’s best friend/saviour, he was also the famous martial art tricking American fly boy. Jinyoung was nothing in comparison and it was a blessing that Mark even wanted to be his friend. In what mind did he think it was okay to fall in love with the other? He was a fool.

2) He was a boy. Not just any boy, a very handsome, flawless, kind and annoyingly selfless boy. Any form of interest on this said boy was foolish.

3) Being gay for your best friend was an idiot idea.

But Mark Tuan had kissed him that night in LA three years ago and all the thoughts of how foolish he was for falling for his best friend was pushed aside. And yet Jinyoung was still the fucking idiot who left for 3 whole years.

Jinyoung was a fool; A stupid fool who was always careful about everything else in his life but reckless when it came to Mark Tuan.

_Only fools do what I do_

“Aren’t you going to sleep?”

Jinyoung stared at the lanky figure standing at the doorframe of his room. Mark looked pissed with his eyebrows furrowed and arms crossed his chest. Jinyoung knew that he had done something wrong and Mark wasn’t happy.

“How much have you been drinking?”

Jinyoung shamefully puts down the bottle of beer in his hand. He didn’t realize when he had started drinking his third bottle. He doesn’t know how his cigarette box was now crumpled on the floor, empty. Mark was probably pissed that Jinyoung was drinking his worries away instead of talking to him. Jinyoung doesn’t know for sure but it is possible.

“Where did I go wrong, Mark?”

Mark looked at him with a pained expression. He moved closer towards Jinyoung. Each step carefully calculated till he came to a stop in front of Jinyoung.

“What do you mean?”

“Are you not happy with me?”

Jinyoung thinks of all the things he had done for this relationship to work. He had stop taking big projects, the ones that usually eat up all his time. He had stopped making appearances at unnecessary events because he didn’t need fame to act. And acting was enough for him. Actually, Mark was enough for him. So most days, he had little to no work. He stayed at home and waited for Mark to come back. He even attempted cooking once. And for six months, Mark seemed happy. And that was all he wanted.

But lately it didn’t feel like Mark was happy.

It was evident in the way Mark refused to talk to him. Mark was drifting out of his reach and Jinyoung had no idea why.

“Do you...” Jinyoung tried hard not to break into a sob but even the thought of this made his heart break. “Do you not love me anymore?”

 Mark pulled him into a hug as Jinyoung started sobbing. He could feel it. He could feel his heart breaking though he had tried to drown it in bottles of alcohol. Nothing was working and everything stung. He was clutching tightly to the fabric of Mark’s shirt, sobbing into it like it was the only thing that was keeping him together. But no, he was still breaking because Mark hadn’t said anything.

And his silence could mean a thousand things but Jinyoung had an inkling of what it meant. It had crossed his mind.

“Don’t you want to talk about this in the morning?”

_Everything is shattering and it’s my mistake_

_Talk about this in the morning?_ Jinyoung bursts into rage as he pushed Mark off him.

“What do you mean talk about this in the morning? IT’S A SIMPLE QUESTION! DO YOU NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE?”

Mark stood up from the spot he fell. His expression was masked as he looked anywhere but at Jinyoung. The face he put on was a simple facade – the one that Jinyoung hated because he couldn’t read past it – but it was enough; enough to send Jinyoung into boiling rage.

“It’s not like that” he mumbled.

“JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION, MARK!”

Mark glared at him. Jinyoung could feel the fear set in from the flame in his glare. Jinyoung tried not to think of being forceful would only push Mark further than he already is but he had tried softness and nothing had resulted of it. this was probably the only way.

“Why are you avoiding the question?” Jinyoung pressed.

“Let’s talk about this in the morning,” Mark said as he turned on his heel to leave.

Before Jinyoung could think he was grasping on Mark’s wrist. Probably a bit too hard.

“Don’t you dare leave me hanging” Jinyoung said through gritted teeth.

Mark thrashes his hand trying to pry Jinyoung away from him but Jinyoung holds on.

“It’s not fair you get to say that,” Mark seethed and Jinyoung’s grip loosens. “It’s not fair you get to say that when you left me 3 years ago, Jinyoung!”

Jinyoung tried to will his tears to stop because his vision was blurry and he wanted to see if Mark was crying. It sounded like Mark was crying. But oh dear god, please not let it be Mark crying.

“Are you going to leave me in the morning?”

Jinyoung should just shut up but he refuses to. He had done so much and sacrificed too much to just walk out of it without a fight. He loved Mark and he was pretty sure Mark loved him but something was wrong and all he wanted to know was what. All he wanted to know was why and how he could fix it.

“I thought everything was fine but you were crying yourself to sleep and I didn’t know what to do,” Jinyoung tried to ignore the tightness in his heart and tried to focus on breathing. “How did we go from planning for a swimming pool behind our house to this?”

_I see swimming pools and living rooms and aeroplanes_

_I see a little house on the hill and children's names_

_I see quiet nights poured over ice and Tanqueray_

_But everything is shattering and it's my mistake_

“Am I not enough?”

Mark lets his eyes meet Jinyoung’s gaze. His heart tightens uncomfortably at the look in the elder’s eyes. There were no tears in his eyes but they didn’t need to be any for Jinyoung to know how much he was hurting. Jinyoung had said one too many things and maybe he made it worst; whatever it was.

“It’s not about you,” Mark whispered. The apartment was eerily silent, now that Jinyoung’s sobs have finally come to a complete halt to focus on Mark’s words. “It’s not about you not being enough,”

Mark sits himself on the couch and lets his face rest on his palms as he released a heavy sigh. Jinyoung watched him, afraid to say even a single word in fear of deterring Mark from explaining.

“I shouldn’t have come back. I shouldn’t have come back and think I could find my place in your life. I don’t belong here,”

“Of course you belong here! I love you. How could you say that?”

Mark lets out a tired laugh as he looked at Jinyoung with a jaded expression. “When you left me 3 years ago, I thought to myself that you didn’t love me and I should let you go because you were going to become great. You promised me you were going to make me proud,” he paused. “And you did. You became the actor you wanted to be but somehow, I couldn’t stand by and watch you. I couldn’t just watch you knowing that ‘what if I came after you’ ‘what if you liked me back’”

“And here I am sitting in your apartment as your boyfriend. But at what cost, Jinyoung?”

“You want a house with children and a swimming pool but gay marriage isn’t legal in Korea. You want to become a Hollywood actor but the climb to stardom stopped when I moved in. You want me in your life and you’re willing to do everything but I’m not going to let you do that,”

“Maybe you were right,” Mark sighed as his speech comes to an end. “Maybe we could last forever as friends but not as lovers. Not like this,”

Jinyoung stared at Mark’s feet that lay still despite the storm of his speech. Mark was probably wrong because Jinyoung was sure Mark was the one. Jinyoung was sure he wasn’t going to give a damn about anything else.

But only fools fall for people like Jinyoung.

_Only fools fall for..._ me

And Mark wasn’t a fool.

So, he watched in silence as Mark left with a coat and his shoes. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah. angst. it's the only thing i'm good at writing. i'm sorry this took so long. and i'm sorry i like suffering. but i hope you enjoyed. 
> 
> please comment and tell me what you think. your opinion is valueable to me.
> 
> <3
> 
> p/s: moodboard for the last chapter (and hopefully this one) can be found [here](http://gotsichi7.tumblr.com/tagged/mybnfic)


	12. BLUE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung would paint the skies blue to make Mark stay.

** BLUE **

 

It’s been a tough week. Jinyoung has been trying to keep it together but the interviewer in front of him was simply getting on his nerves. She had been pressing on ridiculous girlfriend rumours and love life questions that Jinyoung feels like telling Youngjae, his manager, that he no longer wants to do this interview.

Firstly, it’s amazing that Youngjae had managed to coax him out of his house for this ridiculous interview but Jinyoung had done it on the pretence that it was for his upcoming drama. And lord knows Jinyoung needed a distraction from the scent of Mark on his pillows. Though, to be questioned about girlfriends and his love life was obviously irrelevant to the whole ordeal. Jinyoung is this close to bursting into angry and frustrated tears.

“If there is nothing more about the drama, Jinyoung has another schedule,” Youngjae said to the interviewer. His gestures were polite but his tone commanded the interviewer to stop his nonsense and thank the gods that she did. Jinyoung give Youngjae a thankful smile as Youngjae ushered him out of the studio. The photoshoot had ended and Jinyoung wasn’t due for another schedule until tomorrow but the interviewer didn’t need to know that.

Jinyoung settled himself into his seat and immediately plugged in his earphones. He had been trying to avoid ‘the talk’ with Youngjae since Mark had left. Youngjae being his caring manager hadn’t brought it up yet but it had been a week and Jinyoung is sure it was about to happen. Jinyoung is however unprepared to talk.

He is still at the brink of tears every waking minute.

Jinyoung closed his eyes at the rumble of the car engine and pretended it was Mark driving next to him instead of Youngjae.

 

-o0o-

 

“Are you sure you are going to be alright?” Youngjae said from the driver’s window. Jinyoung smiled and nodded in assurance. The last thing he needed was Youngjae’s pity. It would only make him cry more than he already was.

He entered his apartment building as soon as Youngjae drives off and wonders which of Mark’s sweater he was going to sleep in today. The week had gone by painfully slow and his chest was in constant agony from trying to hold back tears. It was harder at work where people were present but when he was alone he subsided to tears in a matter of seconds.

It’s ridiculous really. He should probably find Mark but he figured Mark needed time. Mark would come back and when he did Jinyoung wasn’t going to let go.

So though his heart is breaking, he doesn’t want to acknowledge it as the end. Denial or not; Mark was the one. He was going to make this work.

From the moment he steps through the door of his apartment, he knew something was off. Jinyoung swallowed an invisible lump in his throat when his eyes catch the sight of all too familiar shoes. Mark had returned.

He doesn’t know if he ran but he knows the next breath he takes was the gasp he inhaled when Mark was standing in front of their shared closet with his luggage sprawled on the floor. He stood there frozen for a solid minute before realizing he should probably say something. This was probably his only chance. 

“Don’t leave...” Jinyoung mustered weakly, tears falling down his cheeks before he could stop them.

Mark turned to look at him after only noticing his presence. He stared at Jinyoung for a moment with a serious expression before he continued packing his things.

“Our life isn’t going to be easy but I’m not going to give up on us, Mark,” Jinyoung begged. “Please...”

Mark doesn’t budge. His movement focused on retrieving his clothes and placing them in his luggage rather haphazardly. He wasn’t rushed but there was no hesitation. Jinyoung’s felt his heart drop at the cold treatment.

_All your lights are red, but I’m green to go_

“I want you”

_Colour me blue_

Mark froze. His hands that were working on the zipper of his luggage came to a halt.

“I’d do anything. Anything it takes to make you stay”

_Only seeing myself when I’m looking up at you_

“Please, Mark. I need you” he could feel his knees weakening as he continued to beg but he refused to fall to the ground. “Don’t leave...”

“It’s not going to work out, Jinyoung,” Mark breathed, his face stoic. He lifted his luggage easily of the ground.

Mark was ready to leave but Jinyoung wasn’t ready to let him.

“I want you, Mark,” Jinyoung pleaded, running towards the blonde as he held on to Mark’s arm. He was desperate for Mark to stay. Even if it meant, clinging onto him.

Mark sent Jinyoung a fierce glare, which made Jinyoung curl with dread. Mark was pissed.

“3 years ago, I said the same thing to you and you turned me away,” Mark said between gritted teeth. The anger in his words caused Jinyoung to retract his grip. “3 years later and I may have to borrow the words you said to me”

Mark paused as he took a deep breath.

“I don’t want this”

Jinyoung examined the pained expression on Mark’s face. Mark was holding back tears. Jinyoung tried not to think about the pain those words he had used all those years ago to Mark. He tried not to imagine Mark mulling over those words in his head for the 3 years that they were apart.

 “You don’t mean that!” Jinyoung sobbed; desperate for Mark to hold him and tell him whatever he was saying was a lie. “You love me, don’t you?”

“What if love isn’t enough, Jinyoung?”

_I know you’re seeing black and white_

“I’ll do anything to make it enough,”

_So, I’ll paint you a clear blue sky_

Mark shook his head and Jinyoung could see that Mark had made up his mind. Jinyoung knows there was no way he could change Mark’s mind now. Mark was going to leave whether Jinyoung liked it or not.

“I don’t understand,” Jinyoung sobbed. “I love you and I know you love me but you’re leaving,”

Mark looked at him one last time as he finished tying up his shoe laces. Jinyoung could feel Mark’s eyes on him, crouching on the floor, helplessly.

“Don’t look for me Jinyoung. It’s for your own good,”

 

-o0o-

 

“Jinyoung?”

“Jinyoung! If you are going to stare at your food all day, you might as well do it at home than drag me here,”

Jinyoung snapped out of his daze to find a rather irked Jaebum staring at him. Jinyoung smiled apologetically at him before he swirled the contents of his already cold noodles.

“So is there something you wanted to say?”

Jinyoung stared at Jaebum for a moment, contemplating his answer. He doesn’t know where to start but lately alcohol and cigarette just wouldn’t do. He needed to talk to someone before his thoughts grew unhealthy. It probably already was but it was worth a shot.

Jaebum was the first person he thought of. Jaebum, who had stayed by his side for the most of his life and had his back no matter what circumstance, was the first person he called. Even though he had called Jaebum at 3.30 am as he failed to realize the time, Jaebum was here. His bowl already empty as he sipped on his iced tea.

“Did something happen?”

Jinyoung nodded. _Yes, Mark left and I’m lost._

“Is this about Mark leaving?”

Another nod followed.

“Take your time. I’m listening,” Jaebum said softly.

Jinyoung stared at his best friend and wondered how to tell the other. Jaebum had a knack of calling him out when things got out of control or before Jinyoung did anything dumb. And for the first time, Jinyoung was the one to approach Jaebum for emotional support. It was odd for him. It was odd for him to talk to Jaebum about his feelings. Even though, Jinyoung was transparent about his feelings when it came to Jaebum, having to say the words made it weird for him. He shouldn’t be because Jaebum obviously could at least anticipate his feelings. They had been together for more than 8 years and Jinyoung is sure Jaebum could tell Jinyoung was distressed.  

“The lights are on,” Jinyoung said, earning a quizzical look from the other.

“It’s dark outside. Of course, the lights are on?”

“The light’s are on in my brain but there is no one home, Jae”

Jaebum sighed. “Cut your poetic talk. It’s 4 am and I can’t think,”

“Do you ever feel like you’re living life in auto drive? You’re moving but you’re not really there?”

“All your lights are on but there’s no one home?” Jaebum looked at him with sudden realization. “What does that have to do with anything?”

Jinyoung palmed his face, heaving a sigh. “I lost control on my life”

Jaebum reached his arm out to lock Jinyoung into a comforting hug. “Most people do when they are in love, Jinyoung,”

“I lost control of everything,” Jinyoung whimpered as he held on the very edge of his tears, ensuring they won’t leave his eyes. “I lost vision of everything,”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. People make mistakes. You are only human,”

“He isn’t coming back is he?”

“I don’t know,”

“Do you know where he is?”

“Even if I did I wouldn’t tell you. He’s right you know. It’s for your own good,”

“But I need him,” _only seeing myself..._

“I know,” Jaebum hugged him again. “But right now, you need to fix yourself and he needs time. It was tough for him to adjust to your life and watching you crumble only made it worst. You may need him but you need yourself more,”

Jinyoung sobbed into the rough material of Jaebum’s shirt. Jaebum was right. He was only seeing himself with Mark without even realizing the damage he was doing to the other.

_Only seeing myself when I’m looking up at you_

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!!!! I'm sorry the chapters are still very angsty. personally, this is my fav song because this song was what inspired the whole fic. but anyway. i hope you guys enjoy this read and hope it's not boring.
> 
> thank you so much for your comments and the support you guys give <3 it means hella a lot to me.
> 
> let me know if you guys have any opinions or don't understand anything. i'd love to know. 
> 
> also as usual. [moodboards](http://gotsichi7.tumblr.com/tagged/mybnfic)


	13. THE QUIET

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everything hurts less than the quiet

** THE QUIET **

 

“Jackson, please...”

“Jinyoung, you know I love you but I promised Mark I won’t tell you anything. He said it’s for your own good and he said that’s the way I show that I care for you. If I tell you, I’m not only betraying him, I’m betraying you too”

“Jackson, please. I just want to talk to him. Just for a minute,”

“Both of you are putting me in a really hard position, y’know?” Jackson sighed.

Jinyoung stayed silent for a moment as he thinks about how much stress Jackson was in because of his constant badgering. “Can you just promise me he is alright?” he finally relents.

“He is okay, Jinyoung. I promise,”

Jinyoung threw his phone across the room as soon as Jackson hangs up. He couldn’t find Mark anywhere. He quit his job at the office and changed his number. The only connection Jinyoung could find was Jackson and even Jackson wasn’t helpful. He had tried barging into Jackson’s place hoping that maybe Mark was staying there but he wasn’t. He had tried even Mark’s work colleagues but no luck there too.

Jinyoung should have followed Mark the night he had left but he didn’t. He was too wrapped up in giving Mark time. He was too wrapped up in his denial of Mark really being gone to actually find him. But it’s been two weeks and Mark had left him in the dark; in the quiet of his own thoughts. He sometimes goes to sleep with the thought that Mark was just at work and when he wakes up, Mark would be there. Sometimes he pretends it’s all just one big nightmare.

But now, everything was too real.

Everything was too real as he closed his eyes to the silence in his apartment.

 

-o0o-

 

Past the two week mark, everything that was seemingly okay at first started to cave.

Youngjae had to stay with him in his small apartment taking up the guest room, mainly because Jinyoung was difficult to deal with when he had been left alone at night and the amount of alcohol he was consuming was slowly starting to show in his onscreen appearance. So, Youngjae played his online games in his rooms with a mildly tipsy Jinyoung on his bed every night. Jinyoung rambled and cried about his broken heart and how his love story almost happens but it doesn’t. He talked about how he was an idiot until he fell asleep on Youngjae’s bed. Most days, Youngjae allows him to grieve and takes care of him.

In the mornings, he apologizes to Youngjae for his annoying drinking habits but as soon as the night falls, Jinyoung is at it again.

And for the first week, Youngjae understands it because Jinyoung was heartbroken. He talked about the good times with Mark and how they were meant to be. He also talked about how he never really deserved Mark because of all the dumb things he did. And then he cries himself to sleep mumbling about how he just misses Mark and all he wants was an answer.

Youngjae understands that Jinyoung just needed someone to take care of him and Youngjae does it without much complaining.

But there were no signs of improvement in the second week and Jinyoung was getting little to no sleep due to his drinking habit and busy schedules. Youngjae becomes concerned that Jinyoung might lose more than just Mark at this rate. So he called for backup. Backup: in the form of an overprotective Jaebum and an obnoxiously loud Jackson.

When they show up in front of his door after Youngjae excuses himself to finally get some sleep at his own house, Jinyoung feels apologetic. He feels apologetic towards his friends who not only were separated thanks to the rift between him and Mark but also their wasted time on his inconsolable heart break.

But his best friends were having none of it.

“First of all, if you apologize I will personally ensure it is the last thing you say” Jackson warned as he tackled Jinyoung into a rather rough hug. “I didn’t come here to hear you talk about how much you do not deserve us caring for you because we aren’t here out of pity. We are here because, for god sake’s Jinyoung, this is a bit overdramatic even for you”

Jinyoung is rendered speechless.

“Consider it as us, setting your ass in line for fucking up” Jaebum said with a playfully strict expression.

Jinyoung wants to open his mouth to say some form of apologetic gratitude but Jaebum lifts his hand to stop him. “Don’t thank us yet. We haven’t started,”

“So do you guys want pizza or chicken wings?” Jackson said as he looked through the delivery menus Jinyoung has conveniently stuck on his fridge. “I’m feeling a bit like some Korean food though,”

“Whatever you want Jackson. It doesn’t matter, Jinyoung is paying”

Jinyoung lets out a loud sigh but doesn’t complain further because if it’s anything, paying for food is the least he could do for the people who show up to his door to ‘set his ass in line’.

 

-o0o-

 

They are huddled in the living room. It eerily feels like Christmas Eve even though it’s the middle of the year and Seoul was getting hotter by the day. Jinyoung eyes his friends who were idly looking through their phones as they wait for the delivery to arrive. Some music show was playing on the TV but no one was paying mind to it.

Jinyoung stared at Jackson and wondered for a moment if he should just straight out ask the other about Mark. A simple ‘where is he?’ could do no harm right?

All he wanted was to talk to the other, beg him to change his mind so he could fall back into his arms. It’s been two weeks and the quiet is killing him. He’d rather Mark punch him straight in the face and bust his nose than this emptiness. This emptiness that only seemed like a never ending suffering that continuously fucked him up further.

_This is payback. I deserve this suffering._

 “Stop staring at me, Jinyoungie. I’m not telling you anything” Jackson said as he raised his head to meet Jinyoung’s glance.

“I wasn’t going to ask anyway”

Jinyoung ignored Jaebum who snickered at the obvious lie Jinyoung was telling. Jackson also didn’t seem to believe him but refused to point it out. Jinyoung sighed. It was no use. He was at a dead end. Mark wasn’t coming back and he would die alone.

“You have to stop pitying yourself this way and move on” Jackson scolded.

“It hurts, Jacks”

“You idiot! Of course it does. That’s why there are a million break up songs” Jackson scoots closer to where Jinyoung was sitting and hugs him. Jinyoung had somehow started crying. Again.

“I just want it to hurt less”

“It will, one day” Jackson said as he grabbed Jinyoung’s face so Jinyoung was looking at him. “I don’t know exactly what happened between the two of you but I know what you guys had didn’t make the both of you happy. At least not truly happy,”

“But I was happy, Jackson!”

“You think you were, Nyoungie,” Jaebum butts in, placing his hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder, squeezing. “But Mark wasn’t. How could you be happy if he wasn’t?”

“IT’S ALL MY FAULT”

Jackson hugged him tightly as Jinyoung sobbed louder. He rubbed soothing circles in his back and Jaebum caressed the back of his head whispering small ‘it’s not your fault’, ‘it’s ok’, and ‘just let it out’.

Jinyoung’s crying slowly subsides by the time the door bell rings and the food has arrived. Jackson jumps to the door, wiping his also tear stricken face with his sleeves. Jaebum keeps a steady hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder as Jinyoung wiped away the evidence.

“You’ll stand on your own feet when this is all over and when you look back at this moment; it will all make sense then, Jinyoung. I promise”

 

-o0o-

 

“Those are not good for you” Jackson mumbled as he glances at the cigarette in Jinyoung’s hand. Jinyoung doesn’t bother to react to it knowing that nothing he said would matter. Jackson was right. Smoking is bad and he should just chuck his pack out the window. But also, he had been cut out of his alcohol privileges so smoking was the only thing he had.

Jinyoung watched Jackson gather the leftovers of the take out they shared. Usually Jinyoung did it when they gathered but Jinyoung was a bit of a hot mess at the moment so Jackson volunteered. He was full from the food Jackson and Jaebum had practically shoved in him. If he had lost weight from all the meals he had been skipping he surely had gained it back now.

“Jinyoung!” Jaebum’s voice echoed through the hallways. Jaebum had left for the toilet a few minutes ago and somehow had managed to sneak into Jinyoung’s room. “Come here for a sec”

Jinyoung extinguished his cig and sluggishly headed for his room. Jackson followed him closely behind.

“What is this?”

Jinyoung looked at the notepad in Jaebum’s hands. He contemplates lunging forward for it. It was his private notes and he had no idea how Jaebum had found it, but it was meant for his eyes only. Definitely not meant for Jackson and Jaebum to see.

“Hey, that’s private. Give it back” Jinyoung said trying to swat the note pad away from Jaebum.

“Did you write these?” Jaebum said swiftly moving it out of Jinyoung’s reach. “Are they poems?”

“Give them back” Jinyoung struggled against the headlock Jaebum had somehow managed to get him into. Jackson now had the notepad and was flipping through it. Jinyoung tried to contain the heat of embarrassment he felt as he saw the concentration in Jackson’s eyes. But it was too late; his ears were probably tomato red.

“These are really good. I didn’t know you wrote” Jackson finally said as he handed the book back to Jinyoung. Jaebum finally released him.

“Have you thought about song writing?”

 

-o0o-

 

“That’s the last box, I think” Youngjae said as he sets it on the dusty floor. “I paid the moving van and he left”

“Thanks for doing this, Youngjae” Jinyoung said as he looked around in the dusty apartment. It was smaller than his original place but it would do.

Youngjae beamed at him. “Why did you want to move so urgently though?”

_I don't wanna walk away but you left me no choice_

“Too many memories” Jinyoung smiled, trying to ignore the sad smile on Youngjae’s face. “Besides, it’s time to move on”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry this took forever to update and sorry it's quiet short. next one is coming tomorrow.
> 
> i promise big things happens in the next chapter and this is only building to that. 
> 
> i have abandoned my moodboard attempts for now, since i wanna focus on writing this and a claim i made for a ficfest.
> 
> anyway, please comment to let me know what you think. (it's almost coming to an end)


	14. Suburbia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So much history overwhelms Jinyoung

** Suburbia **

 

Jinyoung takes a deep breath and lets his lungs fill with the chilly air of the ocean. It was autumn and everything was turning just a bit more orange each day. Autumn in Jinhae was unforgiving but the beautiful leaves in the city attract tourist and his hometown had suddenly seemed a little bit more alive than how he remembered it.

It had been a tough few months, to say the least. After the finishing off his movie promotions he had spent his days locked up in Jaebum’s studio, writing. Jinyoung attends vocal lessons in any free time he has and he brainstorms with Jaebum about how he wants his ‘poems’ to sound. It’s a process that is all too new to him but it’s interesting. It’s the only thing that is inspiring him.

Jaebum tell him he is good with his words, he just needed help making it into a song. They had completed a few songs. It was an extremely personal process. The fact that they were using raw material from the very difficult times in his life scared him. But Jaebum said his words made people think. He said his words were raw and it wouldn’t be about him. It would be about the people who listen to his songs. It was scary but also strangely therapeutic.

“The boat is here, Jinyoung-ah” Jinyoung looked up the solid figure of his father waving him over. He watched his father gently ease himself onto the boat. His movements were unsteady and slow in comparison to the once swift movements he had been used to watching as a child. Age was catching up to his father and it left an unpleasant feeling in his stomach as he joined his dad on the boat.

The boat rumbled to a start and the air immediately bounced alive. He felt slightly childish screaming into the whipping wind but his father simply laughed. It had been too long since Jinyoung had been home and his father understood the excitement. His father held a firm grip on the back of his neck laughing as he shook Jinyoung who was childishly eating the fast wind that ran through his hair.

“It’s so good to be back” Jinyoung shouted, letting his hand join the flow of the air and letting it dance.

“It’s good to have you back”

 

-o0o-

 

“Aigoooooo… my son’s all grown up now” his mother bustled through the door with the cooking apron Jinyoung had sent her last Christmas. “Why are you so skinny? Haven’t you been eating the food I sent you?”

Jinyoung simply laughed as his mother pinched his cheeks and arms and tummy before finally hugging him tightly again. “Have you been well, Jinyoungie?”

“Yes, umma. I’ve been well”

Jinyoung’s mother releases him for one good look. She could probably tell Jinyoung was only saying that to ease her worries but decides it’s a topic for later as she ushers him inside. “Come inside. You must be cold,”

The moment he stepped into his house, toeing his shoes off at the entrance, there is a huge rush of overwhelming feelings hitting him. He felt at home and it comforted him but at the same time a small sort of nostalgia made his heart feel heavy. He tried to contain his emotions even though he could feel the beginning of a sob coming on. Jinyoung isn’t a crybaby, but it is so good to be home. It is so good that it is overwhelming.

“I want to show you something” His father said as he hangs both his and Jinyoung’s coat on the coat rack. His mother had rushed off to attend to the food she left on the stove. Jinyoung followed his dad to his office. He doesn’t remember the last time he was in it. Past short visits home had always meant he stayed over a night before heading back to work in the morning. There was simply no time. This time he had a whole week to rejuvenate.

His father led him through his old office to a large glass case and upon realizing the contents he laughs.

“Your sisters got it for me last Christmas” he explained.

Jinyoung examined the frames of newspaper clippings and old photos of Jinyoung arranged in the glass case. Each shelf decorated with an endless supply of things with his face on it. There were skin products, action figures, plush toys and even drama DVDs. “Where did they even get all these?”

His father laughed. “Apparently she got some help from your fan club and Youngjae”

“Why didn’t I have any idea?” Jinyoung said guiltily. It had been almost a year since last Christmas. Had he not been home for that long?

“It was meant as a surprise. Don’t worry” he said, gripping his shoulder and squeezing it in reassurance.

Jinyoung admires the case that was dedicated to his work and chuckled in somewhat delight. His two elder sisters teased him about being sappy in dramas and crying like the true crybaby they were in his face but somehow behind his back this presented itself. At least, some sense of pride had come with it right?

“We should help your mother in the kitchen. I bet she’s excited to fatten you up”

His father ushered him out with a proud smile on his face.

It was no surprise that the dining table was full of Jinyoung’s favorites. His father was right. His mum was eager to fatten him because the moment he sat down food was forced to his face. Jinyoung ate guiltily as his parents talked on and on about how proud they were of him and how skinny he was. They complain and whine about how Jinyoung is barely home and their phone never rings. Then they go on about all the birthday parties and weddings and every small thing Jinyoung had missed.

Jinyoung should cry because oh, he wants to.

He had gave so much away for his dream and his parents are so proud of him but he can’t help but feel he’s lost what’s his. His mother places her hands on his cheek and Jinyoung immediately traps it with his own. “You are happy, aren’t you, son?”

Jinyoung feels his heart melt at the softness of her tone. He had missed this. He had missed being treated like the treasured child of his parents. It had been long since Jinyoung allowed himself to enjoy being cared for. Usually, he felt like he doesn’t deserve it.

His mother looked at him with tenderness as her thumb softly caressed his cheek.

“Of course, I am” Jinyoung mumbled, taking his mother’s hand and planting a soft kiss on it. His mother sighed in defeat as she retracted her hand and started collecting the dishes on the table. It was obviously a gesture of some sort of protest which set a uncomfortable feeling in his heart.

“It’s ok, umma. Let me do this. You’ve been cooking all day. I can handle the dishes,”

“But you’ve been travelling all day,”

“No such thing. Let me. Go wash up” Jinyoung insisted, hastily grabbing all the dishes from his mother. His mother sighed loudly again.

“Umma,” Jinyoung called before his mother left the kitchen. He catches her into his embrace and reminds himself of how small his mother’s fragile body was against his own. She really shouldn’t work so much anymore. “Thank you. I love you”

His mother playfully slapped him complaining about the unneeded gratitude Jinyoung was expressing. But she smiled happily.

And when Jinyoung’s mother was happy so was he.

 

-o0o-

 

It feels like an insanely long day. Both emotionally and physically.

He was in his old room, surrounded by the g.o.d posters on his wall. It feels sort of embarrassing that his mother had redecorated the room so that now the walls were also filled with fan boards and posters of his face. It felt like he was sleeping in a shrine dedicated to him.

But at least the sheets smelt like something so familiar; like home.

“Jinyoungie” his mother peeped into the room holding some extra blankets. “It gets colder into the night so I brought them over, just in case”

Jinyoung smiled as he sat up in his bed to receive the blankets. Jinyoung could tell his mother wasn’t just here to send him blankets. Obviously she wanted to talk. Obviously there were ulterior motives.

Jinyoung pretends to stare at the plush toys lined up on the shelf where his school books used to sit as his mother settles at the edge of his bed. Jinyoung sets his book aside, making sure his bookmark settled nicely in the book.

“Are you ok, Jinyoungie?”

Jinyoung looked at her mother and just smiled. He smiled because he guessed right but her concern aches his heart despite the little warm feeling that he was loved. “I am, umma. Please stop worrying about me, ok?”

Jinyoung’s mother mumbled a complain about how ridiculous of a notion Jinyoung had just uttered. “How could a mother not worry about her only son?”

Jinyoung laughed. His mother was rough and strict but at the same time, her intentions were soft and tender. Jinyoung probably inherited that. He could see it in the way he treated his friends. Harsh words leave his mouth but warm cuddles follow right after.

“Do I look like I’m not okay?”

Jinyoung’s mother bemused a defeated smile. She knew that Jinyoung had been working real hard the past few months; juggling writing with Jaebum and acting. Sleepless nights working on what Jinyoung hopes would be his first musical debut. And there was no sign of Jinyoung slowing down. His mother knew Jinyoung was at the peak of his career. His mother knew that he had never been on top of the game like this.

“It’s just a little birdie said something that made me worry,” she bemused, clasping her hand on Jinyoung’s leg from above the blanket that covered him. it made him feel like he was young again.

“What did Jaebum tell you?”

His mother laughed. Jinyoung knew Jaebum was behind all this. It was strange enough that Jaebum had insisted he go home this weekend. ‘spend time with your family’ he said.

“What makes you think it’s Jaebum?” his mother denied, still heartily giggling.

“He didn’t tell me anything” His mother was adorable but Jinyoung couldn’t help but roll his eyes in annoyance at her glee. “It isn’t Jaebum, I promise”

“Then who could it possibly be?”

“A little birdie!” his mother exclaimed then breaking into laughter.

“UMMA!” Jinyoung whined and his mother laughed louder than before.

Her mother looked at him for a moment. Her expression was clearly trying to decide whether or not it was wise to tell Jinyoung who. She then sighed and let a smile paint her soft features. “It was Mark”

Jinyoung gaped. It’s been a good three months since he had seen or had any direct contact with Mark. He hadn’t expected to hear about his ex-boyfriend here. Even if his mother didn’t know that Mark was his ex.

“Mark Tuan?”

“Yes, Mark. You’re best friend, Mark” _not anymore…_ “Didn’t he tell you, he visited last weekend?”

Jinyoung hesitated for a moment in complete shock. Was he listening to his correctly? “He visited this house?” It still hasn’t sunk in. it seemed like a lie.

“He didn’t tell you?”

Jinyoung shook his head.

“Weird. I thought he told you. He drop by to give some gifts and I offered him lunch. Haven’t seen him in years. Still very handsome, isn’t he?”

Jinyoung felt his heart beat faster. Mark Tuan visited his mother? Mark Tuan was here at his house? But why?

“Why did he come here?” _I thought he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore._

“He said he was in Jinhae for work”

_Work? He travels for work?_

“What did he say about me?” What could Mark Tuan possibly say that made his mother worry about him? What could Mark Tuan possibly have to say?

“He asked me if I thought you were ok,” she said. “He asked me if I thought you were happy.”

“That’s a weird question to ask,”

“I thought so too, at first. But then I thought about it then realized why he asked me that question,”

“Why?” Jinyoung asked feeling as confused as ever. Why was Mark Tuan questioning his mother’s opinion on his happiness?

“He thinks you aren’t happy,”

Jinyoung is more confused. Was he going mad? Was his mother going mad? Had his mother mistaken one of his other friends as Mark Tuan?

_What the fuck is going on?_

“What is that supposed to mean?”

His mother laughed. “I knew you would react this way.”

Jinyoung pouted.

“Are you truly happy, Jinyoung-ah?”

_I haven’t felt happiness since Mark left me. I laugh and smile but my heart still aches for him._

Jinyoung stayed silent.

“See, Mark knew. Mark knew and wanted to tell me. That’s why he asked me that question,”

“But he didn’t say anything to me,”

His mother smiled as she rubbed soothing circles in his palm. “Maybe he thought, he couldn’t do anything about it. Maybe he thought that I could. Maybe this was his way of helping you,”

Jinyoung felt a tear slip down his cheek and he tried to hide his face. It was out in the open now. His mother had pried it out of him. The inner turmoil he feels whenever he is forced to think about his life. His mother wiped the tear on his face with the pad of her thumb.

“Jinyoung”

Jinyoung looked at the tenderness in his mother’s eyes. She still has a small smile on her face like she knew exactly what Jinyoung was going through.

“You still love him don’t you?”

“Wh-what? Who?” he stuttered in surprise, pretending he had no idea who his mother was implying. But he knew. Who was he kidding?

“Mark” his mother scooted closer to him. Her voice steady as she spoke. “You have always loved him, haven’t you?”

Jinyoung contemplates it for a moment staring at his mother’s fingers rubbing small circles on the back of his hand. This was more than just admitting to his mother that he was in love with his best friend. This was more than just admitting there was something wrong in his life to his mother. This was, possibly, the first time he would openly admit to his mother that he liked boys. The first time he would come out to his parents.

He never thought this time would come.

“I’m sorry” he sobbed, feeling overwhelmed. His mother hugged him tightly.

“There is nothing – NOTHING – to be sorry for”

“But he is-“

“He is the one you love” she interjected. Jinyoung let his mother rub soothing circles on his back as he cried. She was trying her best to hold him together but Jinyoung was overwhelmed.

Eventually, Jinyoung’s tears subside and he allowed himself to finally meet her mother’s eye. “How did you know?” he asked between his strained sobs.

“Something changed when you came back from LA. I had a feeling about Mark. I had a feeling that he was special to you. You never quite the same after LA” she smiled sadly. “Then, Mark came here, out of the blue. It just confirmed what I had already thought. You guys weren’t just friends”

“But it’s over now” he said, trying very hard to stop himself from more crying. “We broke up”

His mother nodded like she had guessed just as much.

“For a long time, I thought he was the one” he intoned. “I probably still think so but things didn’t work out”

“Why is that?”

“I can only pick one between fame and love. He made me choose fame. He made sure I chased my dream”

“He is a sweet boy, isn’t he?” his mother said.

Jinyoung rolled his eyes.

“The way I see it, Jinyoung, sometimes, you have to grow apart to grow together”

 

-o0o-

 

“Did you know about Mark coming over to my house?” Jinyoung said the moment his call to Jaebum went through. He had finally managed to find some time away from the hustle of his family doting him. His sisters were home for the weekend and he was constantly pulled into every activity by his niece and nephews. It was endearing that they were fighting for their uncle Jinyoung but he was tired.

“Huh?”

“Don’t play bluff, Jae” Jinyoung warned. “You insisted that I should take a break. A long break. I  knew it was suspicious from the start, now I know why”

“Mark came to your house? In Jinhae?” Jinyoung rolled his eyes and let Jaebum tire out his act before saying anything. But Jaebum doesn’t relent.

“Wait, you didn’t know?”

“Why would he come to your house in Jinhae?” he asked, completely ignoring whatever Jinyoung was saying.

“I don’t know”

Jaebum sighed. “Don’t think too deep about it Jinyoung. It might not mean anything”

“I know,” he groaned. “Things are never gonna work out between me and him”

Jaebum sighed again, louder than the last one.

“He asked my mum if she thought I was happy”

“What?”

“Exactly. Who in the world goes missing for months and wonders about my happiness to my mother?”

“Mark Tuan, apparently” Jaebum said sarcastically.

“Just when I thought I moved on” _yeah right, you never moved on. You never will._

“At least I came out to my mum”

“You what?”

“She knows I’m gay now”

“She didn’t know before?”

“IM JAEBUM, DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH?”

 

-o0o-

 

“Park Jinyoung?” Jinyoung looked up at the tall man standing in front of him. He looked rather familiar but Jinyoung couldn’t put a finger on it as the other sat down across him. Jackson had somehow managed to persuade Jinyoung to go on a blind date. He had claimed that this blind date would be a great one.

‘You don’t have to commit to anything’

‘If you don’t like him just don’t call him for a second date’

‘Just give it a try ok? You need to get out more’

“So, you’re Kim Yugyeom?” he asked as the waiter left with the other’s order.

Yugyeom nodded.

“Sorry to be a bit blunt but have I seen you somewhere before?”

Yugyeom chuckled slightly before answering with an amused expression “Pretty sure we went to the same school”

Jinyoung thinks for a moment, scanning the man in front of him. He was sure there was a Yugyeom he had known when he was in high school but he was pretty sure the cute boy he remembered wasn’t the handsome one sitting in front of him.

“You were attached to the hip with that Thai boy right?”

“Yeah. His name is Bambam” he said rather harshly but Jinyoung caught his attempts to recover.

“Ok. Now, this is weird” Jinyoung laughed nervously. “I wasn’t expecting someone I know”

“Jackson-hyung didn’t tell you who I was?”

Jinyoung shook his head as a reply. “I thought you’re not supposed to know who your date is that’s why it’s called a blind date.”

“I guess” Yugyeom smiled cheekily.

“So you cheated?”

Yugyeom laughed heartily. “You knew my name, so you could have just googled me,”

“I don’t cheat”

“Well, I feel cheated too. I was promised a fun date, not a date with my ex school vice president”

Jinyoung burst into laughter. “I can’t believe you brought that up!”

“Why?” Yugyeom said teasing which made Jinyoung want to smack him across the face. “Prefer to be called actor extraordinaire?”

“No one has ever called me that”

“Well then, let me be the first”

“Did you just flirt with me after insulting me?”

“Maybe”

 

-o0o-

 

He thinks it’s a ridiculous idea but somehow Yugyeom had managed to persuade him to visit their old school. It’s a Sunday and if there was anyone in the school he would surely be recognized.

“This is a fucking bad idea”

“Who knew Park Jinyoung cursed so much” Yugyeom mocked. He had taken favor in teasing and mocking Jinyoung for the whole duration of the date. Jinyoung can’t say he hated it but it still made him want to plant his fist in Yugyeom face.

“Ouch” Yugyeom whined, rubbing his arm where Jinyoung hit him. It was comfortable bickering with Yugyeom like this.

“This is a bad idea, Yugyeom. People might recognize me”

“No one is here. Chill, Jinyoung”

“Shouldn’t you address me as hyung?” Jinyoung looked at him in disbelief. “I’m at least 2 years older, aren’t I?”

Yugyeom  laughed. “Alright, ahjusshi”

“YAH!” Has Jinyoung mentioned that he wants to hit Yugyeom across the face?

“You’re 3 years older, anyway” Yugyeom said childishly sticking out his tongue. They walked down the familiar hallways of their school. It hasn’t changed even one bit from his memory except of how deserted it was.

“It’s the school holidays so no one is really here”

“Do you visit often?” Jinyoung asked, trying to keep nostalgia from overwhelming him.

“I’ve been at least once a year to visit the teachers” Yugyeom hummed. Jinyoung admired Yugyeom side profile as he spoke, noticing their height difference.

This date has become quite interesting to say the least. Yugyeom somehow managing to bring out his childishness with the bickering he starts. Yugyeom refused to let one moment slip in which he doesn’t tease Jinyoung. It’s effective and Jinyoung hasn’t really experienced anything like it. Yugyeom effortlessly intertwines his flirty compliments within his teasing. It’s different.

“Why are you staring, Jinyoung?”

Jinyoung grumbled at the disrespectful speech to conceal his blushing cheeks.

“You used to hang out here a lot,”

Jinyoung looked at where Yugyeom was motioning. They had arrived at the school entrance where Jinyoung used to read. Yugyeom skipped to the bench taking a seat as he pats the empty seat next to him.

Jinyoung hesitantly walked over.

_There’s so much history in my head_

“Are you still close with Mark-hyung?” Yugyeom said as if he could read his mind. Jinyoung simply shakes his head. Yugyeom sighed and accepts the silence that fell in between them as he seemed to be consumed by his owns thoughts.

Jinyoung eyed Yugyeom carefully and wondered why Jackson had chosen to match them. Yugyeom was not exactly what he had in mind when he had agreed to a blind date. It had been his first with a man. It had been his first with someone who knew him before his fame.

“I’m going to be honest,” Yugyeom suddenly admitted. “Not exactly in the right mind to be dating”

Jinyoung watched as the bubbly and playful demeanor Yugyeom had put on for the duration of the date fade. Yugyeom seemed slightly nervous as he continued to speak.

“Jackson was only trying to help and I felt bad about rejecting him but I really can’t”

“Trying to get over an ex?”

“You can’t call him an ex if you haven’t dated, can you?” Yugyeom smiled cheekily but it was obviously a mask.

“It’s ok. I’m not too interested as well”

“Ouch” Yugyeom clutched his heart, faking a heart break which made Jinyoung smile.

“It’s not like that. I don’t think I’m ready” Jinyoung said between chuckles. “Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready”

“That I can relate with” Yugyeom smiled. “Hung up on someone for a long time now?”

Jinyoung nodded.

“Was it Mark-hyung?”

Jinyoung stared at Yugyeom with his mouth hanging open. “Is it written on my face or something?”

“Jackson hinted that you may be difficult to connect because of complex past relationships and you hesitated to sit here with me,” Yugyeom said. “You were here with Mark-hyung all the time”

 “Did you stalk me at school?”

Yugyeom burst into laughter. “I didn’t need to stalk you to know you spent all day with him, Park Jinyoung. You guys were literally inseparable”

Jinyoung sends a threatening glare to Yugyeom for the informal speech but doesn’t push further. They sit in silence which is comfortable. Both lost in their own world of thoughts.

They were both hung up on someone. They were both struggling to move on even though it’s all they want to do. They were both sitting in the past because the past was better. There was still hope in the past. There was still Mark in his past.

_The people I left_

There was still Mark in his present. It’s just never as the present Mark but the past Mark. The only one he insisted on keeping. The Mark that loved him enough to not leave.

_The ones that I’ve kept_

 

-o0o-

 

Jinyoung should feel happy but he doesn’t feel happy. He puts on his actor smile as the people around him congratulate him but as soon as the crowds settle into the free buffet and booze he finds refuge at the balcony. He seats himself at the familiar balcony, crossing his legs by the sliding door as he tried to drown in the overwhelming history of this exact spot.

The only thing that’s missing is a pack of cigs and his bottle of whiskey.

“I knew I would find you here”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a long one. well, longer then the rest. i am excited and really hope you guys like this chapter. talk to me in the comments about what you think!
> 
> also, i still post moodboards for this fic on my tumblr which you can find [here](http://gotsichi7.tumblr.com/tagged/mybnfic) or you could just come talk to me on tumblr. i'm usually there 24/7! 
> 
> noteworthy things from the chapter is that i based Jinyoung's home with the episode in JJP diaries where he went home. I'm not sure if his family still lives in that house and it might not be accurate. also i'm sorry about the sudden Jingyeom moment. i wanted to make an OC character for that part but i figured Yug hasn't been included and i love Jingyeom's relationship. Also their dynamics played well with the storyline. 
> 
> i'm ranting. thanks for the support <3


	15. WILD (feat. Alessia Cara)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung releases his new mini album titled 'WILD'

** WILD (feat. Alessia Cara) **

 

Jinyoung stared at himself in the mirror. Night was falling in Seoul and his room was lit by a mixture of the setting sun and the corner lights. He could make out his pale features and fluffy hair that framed his hair. He had better hair days he thinks to himself but today his hair was the least of his concerns.

“Big day, eh?”

Jinyoung looked up at the door frame of his room to find Yugyeom standing there with a big smile on his face.

“Do you not know how to knock?” Jinyoung said faking an extremely annoyed voice to which Yugyeom just rolled his eyes at.

“I would say I’m proud of you and praise you till your nostrils grow big enough to inhale Seoul but I assume everyone else would do that for me,” Yugyeom teased as he approached Jinyoung, coming in arm’s length. “You would just grow tired of it”

It was Jinyoung’s turn to roll his eyes.

“I would say that you look good in denim though”

Jinyoung fiddled with his denim jacket that covered his plain white shirt. He had paired it with some ripped jeans and white shoes.

“It fits the aesthetic of the mini album”

Yugyeom laughed at the playful expression on Jinyoung’s face. The bright smile from his laughter doesn’t leave his face as he heads for the door.

“Youngjae-hyung asked me to remind you we are leaving in 5”

“Why is Youngjae hyung when it’s so hard for you to call me hyung? Youngjae is younger than me y’know” he whined.

Yugyeom just stuck his tongue out at him.

 

-o0o-

 

“I’m very proud to invite, a really close friend of mine and also the one that all of you are waiting for, Park Jinyoung!” Jackson shouts into the microphone as his arm open wide gesturing to Jinyoung’s direction. Jinyoung takes a deep breath before taking his first step onto the stage. He jogs to where Jackson was standing in the middle of the stage, waving at the small conference of audience. It’s a good turn up of media and fans. He was nervous but adrenaline pumped through his veins making him smile widely, basking in the spotlight.

They settle into chairs and for a moment Jinyoung focuses on the proud smile on Jackson’s face. Jinyoung could already hear Jackson boasting about how his song career kicked of thanks to this moment here. The moment in which Jackson hosts his press conference for the release of his mini album and music video reveal. It will be the only thing Jackson will be talking about for the next few months. Jinyoung can already hear it.

“So tell me about your title song ‘WILD’”

“Well it’s about the recklessness of young love and how in-the-moment the feeling of falling in love is in your youth” Jinyoung explained which drew a chorus of coo from the audience. He laughed, feeling flustered. Jackson wiggled his eyebrows knowingly.

The rest of the interview is a big blur. His eyes were constantly scanning the crowds nervously. Jackson sets his hand on Jinyoung’s thigh trying to ease the obvious distress within Jinyoung.

“It seems like this is the end of our segment. We will leave you with WILD music video. Thank you for joining us!”

Jinyoung and Jackson both bow towards the audience and head for the exit. Jackson draped his arm on Jinyoung’s shoulders as they walked down.

“You alright?” he whispered and Jinyoung just smiled, trying to scold himself for wanting the impossible.

 

-o0o-

 

They drive to the after party venue in a swanky limousine car. Jinyoung watched in muted laughter at his friends that were overly excited about the free champagne and decorative flashing lights. Jackson cracked open the bottle offering a glass to everyone. When they clink their glasses Jinyoung mouths a thank you towards Jaebum who was looking at him proudly.

Jinyoung tried to ignore the grey cloud that was muting the bright colors and tones of the night but he couldn’t help it.

Releasing his songs that was basically his emotional journey was rubbing him weirdly.

_This all too weird and overwhelming_

“You ok?” Yugyeom whispers into his ear. Jinyoung had been staring at the flashing lights for a bit too long and Yugyeom must have caught on. He pretends to take a sip of his champagne and nodded.

“I’m fine. It just feels a little weird. That’s all”

“I have something to tell you” Yugyeom said in hushed tones. He was leaning closer to Jinyoung, probably trying to keep the conversation as private as he can with Jaebum, Jackson and Youngjae celebrating in the front. “I know you invited me to the launch as a date…”

“Please don’t make this weird” Jinyoung pleaded suddenly realizing what Yugyeom was about to say. Yugyeom groaned, a faint blush burning his cheeks. “If Bambam is coming don’t hold back. You don’t need to ask for my permission”

“Ouch” Yugyeom clutched his chest as if his heart hurt. “I thought you liked me”

“In your dreams” Jinyoung mumbled, rolling his eyes in the most exaggerative manner.

They soon arrive at the venue and Jinyoung takes a deep breath as he steps out of the car and into an all-too-familiar mansion. Yugyeom stayed by his side as the guest applauded his arrival and people almost make a queue to congratulate him. He is grateful for Yugyeom who had seem to sense his dampening mood and swiftly whisking away people that lingered a little bit too long.

Soon enough, Jinyoung is shielded from other people by his own friends.

“I’m really proud of you, you know,” Jaebum said, pulling him into a hug.

“Someone is drunk” Jinyoung said wrinkling his nose at the smell of alcohol coming from his best friend.

“I am so proud you took all your emotions and made it into this master piece” Jaebum slurred. His body weight was pressing onto Jinyoung making him uncomfortable at the burden. “Of course you didn’t do it without me. You are great, Park Jinyoung but I am the greatest”

“Oh my god Youngjae, help me”

Youngjae laughed as he heaved Jaebum off Jinyoung making his way to one of the couches. Jaebum would probably doze off on the couch after making sure everyone knew he was the greatest but it wouldn’t matter because everyone else would most likely drunk out of their minds too.

“I’m going to get some air” Jinyoung announced to Jackson and Yugyeom who seem to be in a deep conversation about gay bars in the city. They only nod in acknowledgement before letting Jinyoung past.

Jinyoung made his way through the crowd, trying particularly hard to avoid long conversations. He needed to get out before he combust. He felt a familiar suffocating feeling press on his chest as the crowd thins when he reaches the balcony.

He paces his breath, looking at the empty balcony and sits on the floor. Thoughts were running at high speed in his head and he could feel a dangerous tear threaten to fall down his cheek.

“I knew I would find you here”

Jinyoung jumped slightly at the sudden interruption. He really shouldn’t be surprised when he looked up to see Mark standing at the door, looking at him with a small smile. Deep down he knew why he had made his way here. Deep down, he wanted Mark to appear. After all, he had gone through all the trouble to make sure Mark received his invitation.

“You came” Jinyoung scolded himself for sounding so small but Mark had black hair and in contrast with his pale skin he looked like a model. It was already hard to think to begin with.

“May I?”

Jinyoung watched Mark sit next to him and tried to ignore the obvious resemblance of how their last meeting here went. They stay silent for a moment. Jinyoung was still trying very hard to calm himself.

“I didn’t think you would show up” Jinyoung hears himself say. Jinyoung glanced at Mark who seemed a bit wrapped up in his thoughts.

Silence encloses them for a moment and Jinyoung is left to think about the distance between the both of them at the very moment. How did they fall from best friends to strangers then to lovers and to strangers again?

Jinyoung looked at Mark and thought of how this was the same person who inspired a whole array of songs that were either in the works or were launched just today. Once upon a time, they told each other everything. Now, Mark was a stranger again.

“Did you like the album?”

“Um…” Mark stuttered obviously thrown completely off guard by the question. “I do” he finally replied with a tone of defeat. It seemed like he had more to say but Jinyoung wasn’t quite ready to hear it. He was just asking to fill in the silence but once again silence fell.

Jinyoung could hear Mark’s nervous fingers tapping on his thigh next to him as an awkward tension filled the area.

“I was kinda surprised to receive your invitation” Mark said breaking the silence.

Jinyoung didn’t know what to say to that so he let his actor smile paint his face. Mark seemed to take it as an approval to continue.

“Why did you choose this place?”

There it was; Mark’s confrontation.

Jinyoung thinks for a second on whether he should give a straight answer.

“Maybe… maybe I was hoping you would show up” Jinyoung admitted. There was no use in lying. He was done with beating around the bush.

Mark looked slightly shocked but he quickly recovered. He remained quiet though, seeming unsure with what to do with the whole situation.

“How have you been?”

“Good,” Mark answered shortly. Jinyoung hated that he didn’t seem to want to elaborate though he was dying to know. _Where have you been? Why haven’t you showed up till a year later? Do you still think of me like how I think of you?_

“So, you arrived with Yugyeom?”

Jinyoung raised an eyebrow. “Yeah”

Jinyoung watch Mark’s face flash with disappointment before he masked it with his poker face. _Was he jealous?_

Jinyoung’s heart beat faster at the thought and suddenly he didn’t feel so gray anymore.

“I’ve rehearsed a few scenarios for when I finally see you again. It definitely didn’t go like this” when Mark didn’t say anything Jinyoung took a deep breath and continued. “At first I thought I should really just punch you in the face”

Mark winced causing Jinyoung to laugh.

“Now, I think, I’ve accepted everything better. I think I was in a bad place when we started our relationship and it only got worse by each day. Even though it hurt like a bitch, you leaving was the fastest road to recovery” Jinyoung tried to repress the tears that were resurfacing. It’s still not easy to talk about such a difficult time. He paced his breath; inhaling deep breaths before slowing letting go of it so his heart would calm down. He tried to make it discreet but Jinyoung is sure Mark could see he was struggling.

“So why did you invite me if you thought I did the right thing?” Mark asked seeming to be a bit hurt with Jinyoung’s words. Jinyoung looked at the way Mark’s eyes shined and realized Mark was still struggling with the guilt.

“We’re alike; you and I” Jinyoung smiled softly at Mark who furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “Two blue hearts stuck in our own mind”

“I’m confused. Are you quoting your lyrics or something?” Mark asked with a slightly irritated tone making Jinyoung laugh.

“I’m not but I should write that down for later” Jinyoung chuckled. “But that’s not the point”

Jinyoung finds it in himself to scoot closer to Mark, turning himself so he was fully facing the elder. “Mark” he begins, looking at the beautiful man in front of him trying really hard not to choke on his words. “I’ve gotten to a much better place and I think I’m ready to give this another shot” he paused to take a deep breath. His hands were shaking. This was much more difficult than any scene he has ever done in his life.

_Can you hold me?_

_Can you make me leave my demons & my broken pieces behind?_

“Can we try this again?”

Mark remained quiet and Jinyoung could feel his heart sinking. Maybe he had misread Mark’s jealousy. Maybe Jinyoung had been ahead of himself to assume Mark still had feelings for him.

“Or we could just stay f-fr…” Jinyoung mumbled but was cut off by Mark who hushed him with his index finger on his own mouth. His breath was slightly shaky as he exhaled the hush and Jinyoung could see the physical nerves leave him as he tried to calm himself.

“I told myself that I would be back when I found a name for myself. That I would become this successful business man and come to woo you but you’re invitation arrived and I had to question whether the person I am now is worth the person you are”

“Why would your title even mat–” Jinyoung is again hushed by Mark who mumbled a small. “I’m not done yet”

“Jinyoung, you had always been and still are out of my league. In school you were the damn vice president and then you became a famous celebrity. I am and always will be normal in comparison. But I heard your song and I realized it never mattered to you.” Mark cracked a smile when Jinyoung vigorously nodded.

“I’m sorry I let you drown and watched you fall for so long because I didn’t want to leave. I was selfish. And I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry I left you in the dark and…”

“Gosh stop and kiss me already will you?”

Jinyoung fast beating heart seemed to cease to a halt when their lips meet for a passionate kiss. Jinyoung quickly finding purchase at the back of Mark’s neck holding him in place with a satisfied groan in the back of his throat. Jinyoung let Mark’s chapped lips soften against his own, eagerly lapping them and letting his tongue poke.

Their lips separate for a moment, panting as they catch their breaths but neither moving further apart. Jinyoung swallowed, feeling more aroused by just a kiss than ever before. He was aching to be close again but this wasn’t the appropriate place or time.

He fondly watched the dazed expression on Mark’s face and bit his lip. He felt so happy, it felt unreal.

“Come here” he whispers, tugging on Mark’s arm pulling him to sit on his lap. Mark complied and their lips easily find themselves once again.

-o0o-

 

Jinyoung laughed at his friends who were squabbling over teammates for their bowling match. It was probably 4am and they were the only people in Youngjae’s brother’s establishment. It seemed a bit dumb that Jackson had somehow managed to convince the 7 of them (yes, Bambam had joined them) that it was a shame that the night was going to end so they should just not sleep until sunrise. Jaebum who had somehow managed to sober up in his nap had made the call for everyone and here they were.

Adults playing bowling at ridiculous o’clock to wait for the sunrise

Jinyoung can’t really complain when Mark was in his arms, yelling what Jinyoung thinks is curses in Mandarin to Jackson for choosing Bambam on his team instead of him. Jinyoung had decided to sit this game out because he was tired. Well, he wasn’t. He just didn’t want to leave Mark’s side.

He feels content as he watches all the closest people to him laugh and poke fun at each other.

“So what’s the deal with Yugyeom? I thought he was your date?” Mark whispered as they watch Bambam trying to teach Yugyeom how to throw a curve his bowl. Jinyoung smiled fondly.

“It’s nothing like that” Jinyoung replied. “Nothing to be jealous of, at least”

Mark grumbled making Jinyoung laugh. Jinyoung could see Jaebum eyeing them carefully. Probably trying to decide whether he was against or approving of the development between them.

“Hey, Jaebum” Jinyoung called as he got out of his seat. “Want to get smoothies?”

Jaebum nodded as he followed him to the café. Jinyoung smiled at Youngjae’s brother who was wiping down the counter, making himself busy. He ordered a few smoothies to share among the boys and Jaebum asked for fries which Jinyoung frowns upon.

“I will eat whatever I want. Don’t judge me” he warned. “I don’t need to look pretty for the cameras like you do”

“So what do you want to say? Spit it out”

Jaebum looked offended; pretending he had no idea what Jinyoung was going on about. Jinyoung just rolled his eyes with a look of ‘I’ve known you for years, don’t lie’

“Ok. Fine” Jaebum finally relents. “I’m worried that things might go wrong. Maybe just take things slow, ok?”

Jinyoung smiled. He loved that Jaebum was protective of him. Jaebum had helped him out of his slump and he was sure Jaebum would do whatever it takes to make sure Jinyoung doesn’t fall back. But at the same time, he didn’t prevent Jinyoung from doing what he felt was right.

_Has he mentioned that he loved his friends?_

“I’ll be brutally honest with you, ok?” Jinyoung said making sure Mark wasn’t paying attention to them. “Every time we got together, I was usually drunk out of my mind but right now the only think I’m drunk on is how happy I actually feel”

Jinyoung giggled when Jaebum made a fake vomiting noise.

“Jaebum! It’s your turn!” Jackson shouts echoed the whole alley.

“It’s ok. Go ahead I’ll wait” Jinyoung said heaving himself onto the counters. As Jaebum joined the rest, Jinyoung reached for the aux cord on the dashboard, glancing once at the already nodding patron, before plugging in his phone. He lets his song Wild play and his friends jump and shout excitably at him. He could see Mark smiling at him fondly. And for a moment, Jinyoung is taken back to the first time he saw that smile. Mark Tuan smiling at him as he sat on the bench at the school entrance with a skateboard rolling on the ground when Jinyoung had greeted him with his signature ‘fly boy’.

Jinyoung clapped his hand, managing his loudest whistle when Mark scored a strike. The boy was a natural in bowling and Jinyoung is always amazed at his skills. Not as much as Youngjae who kept on praising Mark(much to Jackson’s dismay) but enough to feel his chest inflate with boastfulness and a satisfied grin.

_That’s my man, there._

After his turn was done, Mark walked towards Jinyoung. Jinyoung was trying hard to ignore the flutter in his chest. This heartbeat thing should have settled down by now, shouldn’t it? They’ve been through years of this. Shouldn’t Jinyoung at least get used to seeing how godly Mark looked as he walked towards him?

Mark approached him, placing himself between Jinyoung’s legs, his arms stretching to hug Jinyoung’s middle.

“Hey, handsome” Mark coos.

“Hey, yourself” Jinyoung takes in Mark’s soft features on the warm indoor lights. “Having fun?”

“I was starting to miss you” Mark closes the distance between their faces almost daring Jinyoung to kiss him in this almost public place. To be honest, Jinyoung wouldn’t fucking mind kissing Mark here because the people surrounding him were like a safety net; a safety net that would support him and pull him back up when he needed it.

Jinyoung has never felt more love in this moment than ever in his life.

He watches Mark’s eyes study him. Jinyoung lazily bobbing his head to his own song.

_You make my heart shake,_

_Bend and break,_

“But I can’t turn away” he sings and Mark smirked. _You’re driving me wild…_

“So I drive you wild?” Mark asked playfully. Jinyoung smiled because yes, yes Mark drives him crazy. He kisses Mark then, languidly, completely ignoring Jackson and Yugyeom whistling suggestively at them.

 

-o0o-

 

They sit on top of the building waiting for the sunrise to emerge from behind the horizons. Light was already painting the sky and Jackson had whipped up his camcorder recording the moment. Jinyoung watched as Jaebum sipped his hot beverage, Yugyeom and Bambam silently making fun of Youngjae who was yawning every second as Jackson giggled while he filmed him.

Jinyoung had Mark wrapped possessively in his arms, Mark concentrating on eating his burger.

“This is nice” Jinyoung states as he leans onto Mark’s shoulder, forcing Mark to eat with only one hand. He doesn’t seem bothered about it so Jinyoung lets himself hug Mark tighter.

Jackson looks at them and lets out a squeal.

“So, Park Jinyoung” he begins, shoving the camera in Jinyoung’s face. “Are you in love?”

Jinyoung laughed at the randomness of the questions and smiled. He takes a glance at Mark before a humming his reply.

 “Ummmm... maybe?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KEEP ON KISSING
> 
> ok. i have quite a few things to say. 4th Dec marked the 1 year release of the album Blue Neighbourhood, so naturally i should have posted this chapter on that day (i did post on aff but forgot about ao3. sorry?) but i was a bit busy. YES I WAS BUSY BECAUSE I MET GOT7!!!! the whole experience is still so surreal. if you want to read my fanacc you could just check out my tumblr. i ain't gonna talk about it here. 
> 
> all i'm gonna say is it was a good day. 
> 
> now to the actual chapter. technically, this song isn't included in Blue Neighbourhood album, so i'm sort of cheating but to be fair, the aesthetic of this single was too perfect for me to ignore (sorry not sorry). if you watched the mv for this song, you would get the references in this chapter. basically it was set as it was set in the mv. so if you haven't watched the mv and want a better visual of the setting of this chapter you can see it [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8G4oaOxyxk) 
> 
> also the next chapter is the last one. i'm still working on it and will try to get it up as soon as possible. and as usual, moodboards are [here](http://gotsichi7.tumblr.com/tagged/mybnfic)
> 
> comments and critics on my writing is welcome. help me improve for your entertainment yo! love you all. thanks for the support <3
> 
> p/s: sorry this note was damn long


	16. for him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a little love song Jinyoung wrote

** for him. **

 

Jinyoung fished out his phone from his jeans pocket and immediately opened the Kakaotalk notification.

_Are still awake? – Mark_

Jinyoung smiled at and immediately types a reply. He had just finished a late night radio show and hoped Mark was still awake. Jinyoung frowned slightly when he realized the message had been sent a little over half an hour ago. He was probably a bit late. Mark could have been asleep by now. He pressed send regardless, swallowing the sinking feeling in his heart.

“So we heading straight home?” Youngjae asked, handing Jinyoung his things as he ushered Jinyoung to walk towards the car. Jinyoung nodded absentmindedly; still staring at his phone.

He missed Mark.

His schedules had been packed with album promotions and they really haven’t gotten a chance to meet since the launch of his album. It also didn’t help that Mark was extremely busy with his office work. Jinyoung tried to understand what Mark did for a living but all Jinyoung knew was without Mark his boss would freak out.

It felt like a decade they had last met despite the constant message that constantly greeted him when he checks his phone. Nothing could beat seeing Mark. No message could ever replace that.

His phone buzzed in his hand as Youngjae slammed his door shut. He quickly opened the message trying really hard not to let out an excited squeal.

_Would it be too creepy if I show up with warm coffee at your place in 30 mins? – Mark_

The squeal Jinyoung had successfully contained was released without a second thought. Jinyoung ignored the knowing laughter Youngjae lets out as he drives them towards as he bounced on the passenger seat with excitement. Half an hour would be just enough time for him to reach home.

_I mean it’s ok if you’re too tired. We can always do another time – Mark_

Jinyoung frantically typed his reply.

_No! I’ll be back in 30 mins so you better be there with my coffee – Jinyoung_

The rest of the car ride was spent with Jinyoung rubbing his aching cheeks from smiling too much all the while ignoring the mocking sounds of Youngjae teasing him.

 

-o0o-

 

“I thought you said warm coffee” Jinyoung said after waving Youngjae a goodbye. Mark was leaning on what Jinyoung assumed was his car with two iced Americano in his hands. Mark smirked as he handed Jinyoung his coffee.

“Oh, shut up. You like iced Americano more than those sweet coffees”

Jinyoung laughed, sighing in content as he took a sip of the coffee given to him.

“So are you tired?” Mark asked, concern etched into every crease of his face. Jinyoung shook his head almost too fast. He had a little nap in the car and honestly, every bit of exhaustion disappeared with the sight of the how cuddly Mark looked in his oversized turtleneck with an overcoat that was probably double his size. At this point, he would do whatever to make Mark stay a little longer.

“Are you sure?” he asked again, eyes drifting towards the red sedan he had been leaning on. “Because if you really aren’t tired, I was thinking maybe we could go for a drive?”

Jinyoung’s heart skipped beats at how romantic Mark was being. He nodded at the invitation. His cheeks already feeling hurt again from smiling so much. Mark jogged slightly to the passenger seat and opens it. “After you, your highness” he bows in an exaggerated manner which made Jinyoung let out a hearty laugh.

The winter was cold in Seoul tonight but it only served as a stark contrast to the searing warmth in his heart.

 

-o0o-

 

Jinyoung drinks in the sight of Mark’s side profile as Mark talked animatedly about the difference of Christmas decorations in Korea and in LA. Mark’s eyes were glued on the street, one hand lazily steering and the other pointing or motioning his words so he had no idea how much Jinyoung had been ogling his good looks. His black soft hair bounced with the movement of his body and the street lights casting a warm glow on his prominent features of his face. Mark’s voice was low against the soft humming of Christmas carols on the radio but Jinyoung felt each word caress his heart leaving warmth in it.

Jinyoung feels a smile creep onto his face. He could stay in this moment forever.

“Are you even listening to me?” Mark exasperated.

“Of course, I am” Jinyoung defended. Although he is pretty sure if Mark asked what exactly he had been talking about Jinyoung would be doomed. “So, did you come get me because you missed me?”

Mark glanced at Jinyoung disapprovingly at the shift of subject and his mocking tone.

“Maybe I did” Mark teased. “Might be because you are the only person available”

Jinyoung whined which only made Mark laugh. The sound of Mark’s laughter stirred happiness within him. Jinyoung pretends to focus on sipping his drink as he feels Mark’s gaze on him; trying really hard to hide the blush from the way Mark’s dark brown eyes glimmered in the darkness.

They end up parked in front of a well decorated city road after an half an hour of driving aimlessly. The street was deserted due to the lateness of the night and Jinyoung felt slightly nostalgic at the sudden privacy they have. It reminded him of the late nights they had spent talking to sunrise in the safety of his dorm room back at school. It reminded him of the times Mark had his sentimental chatty moods in the darkness of the room.

Mark reaches for his back pack in the back seat and cracks open a pack of chips which has Jinyoung moaning in delight.

“What do you have tomorrow?” Mark asked as Jinyoung catches the glint of adoration he has in his eyes.

“I don’t have anything until noon”

Mark smirked cheekily as he reached for Jinyoung’s hands to neatly place it in his own. “Looks like I have you all night then”

“But first of all”

Jinyoung feels a little shock when a pair of lips pressed gently on his own. It was abrupt but he quickly melts into Mark’s insistent lips with a small laughter escaping their kiss. Mark easily leads their kiss with tenderness, each movement speaking to Jinyoung. All Jinyoung had to do was close his eyes and follow Mark’s lead. Soft lips were drawing words of ‘I missed you’, soft hands caressing ‘I love you’ and harsh breath signaling the underlying ‘I want you’.

Their lips separate but Jinyoung refuses to move away, letting his forehead rest on Mark’s, their noses softly colliding as they catch their breath, Jinyoung’s eyes still jammed shut trying to engrave the sparks that ignited from their kiss.

“I’ve been waiting for this for so long” Mark sighed and Jinyoung just smiles.

 

-o0o-

 

It’s a bit strange to Jinyoung about how dreamy Mark was being. He felt like he was a naïve young boy with a very huge crush with some sort of celebrity. Mark had been a sweet heart; holding his hand as they talk about ridiculous things.

“I really miss LA” Mark said, looking at Jinyoung. They had been hand in hand, car seats slightly declined for comfort with a romantic English Christmas song playing in the background. Jinyoung knew all the words and was singing to it mindlessly.

“I miss LA too” Jinyoung agreed. “Do your parents still live in the same house?”

“Yeah” Mark hummed. “They still remind me to ask you to visit”

“Do they know about us?”

“Do they know I am absolutely head over heels over you, you mean?”

Jinyoung blushes trying to hide his face in his scarf.

“They know you are the reason I moved here in the first place and there isn’t a reason for me to hide it” Mark lifts Jinyoung’s face from behind the scarf with a simple poke on his cheek. His hands then cup Jinyoung’s face. “I am absolutely head over heels for you”

“That’s so cheesy” Jinyoung chuckled but a large smirk wouldn’t seem to hide itself.

“You visited Jinhae and never told me” Jinyoung accused

“We weren’t really in talking terms were we?” Mark eyebrow shot up cockily. “How did you know?”

“She told me. If you think my mother would keep something like that from me you were obviously mistaken” Jinyoung contemplates going deeper with the subject of him coming out to his parents. He also contemplates telling Mark his mother knew but he reckons it was a topic for another day.

Mark shrugged dismissively and they fall into the silence of the night immediately. Jinyoung silently watched Mark stare at the flashing lights of the decorations outside.

“Did you like me from the start?” Jinyoung hears himself ask which made Mark look at him.

“You mean from school?” Mark asked. Jinyoung nodded.

Mark seemed to think for his answer for awhile.

“At first I denied it, I think. I convinced myself that you were an enigma and I was just curious. But then we became friends and I was quickly running out of excuses for myself”

“So you knew from the start?”

“Did I know you would mean more to me than everything else in this world? No.” Mark pointed out. “But you had me from the start, Park Jinyoung. There was really no going back when I laid my eyes on you”

Jinyoung laughed trying to conceal his reddening cheeks. “But you dated other people since school”

Mark shook his head as if frustrated that Jinyoung simply couldn’t get it.

 “I never thought I had a chance. You rejected me when you left LA and everything after that was never the same. It sounded crazy to me that you would ever be mine and it sounded crazy to me when you asked me to be your boyfriend. It sounds even more crazy that you are giving us a second chance”

Mark raised a hand as if to hush Jinyoung from protesting. Mark wasn’t quite finished yet.

“I am a coward Jinyoung. It may seem like I dive at any first chance but I have no courage to finish what I started. When I heard that you were coming to LA, I knew I was going to confess to you but I never thought further than my confession so obviously it didn’t work out. Then when I graduated I hastily tried to come back to you. I moved here without any plan but to make you mine. But I never thought about making it last,”

Jinyoung holds in the tears welling up at the back of his eyes. Mark still holding his hand up as a sign he wasn’t done.

“I’ve thought about it and this time round I’m going to make it count. I’ve got plans this time. Jinyoungie, are you crying?”

Jinyoung wipes the tear that betrays him, laughing at how foolish it was of him to cry. Mark squeezes his hand with one hand and the other holding the back of his neck almost bringing him into a hug.

“Why are you crying?” Mark asked as if he had no clue as to how touching his words were to him. he asked as if he had no clue about how much Mark Tuan meant to Jinyoung.

_Mark Tuan, you idiot._

“I’m just so happy,” Jinyoung sobbed. “Mark Tuan has plans; it’s something I’ve never heard of”

Mark laughed heartily, seeming to relax visibly at his reply.

  “I love you, Mark Tuan” Jinyoung gushes, letting Mark press his lips onto his tear stricken cheeks.

“I love you too, Jinyoungie”

 

-o0o-

 

Jinyoung ends up talking to himself as Mark sleeps soundly in his seat. Jinyoung should feel mad that Mark had allowed himself to fall asleep when Jinyoung was three quarters into the story of how his father had insisted on getting him an adult single bed instead of the car bed he had wanted for as a child, but instead he felt fond. Mark was obviously sacrificing his sweet slumber time to match Jinyoung’s packed and unconventional schedules.

He allows himself the luxury of sweeping Mark’s currently dark hair away from his eyes and peppers small kisses on whatever skin he could reach. After several kisses, Mark groaned awake stretching the sleep away. Who were they kidding? They were no longer teenagers that could stay up all night was no longer an option.

“Can you drive home?” Jinyoung asked softly as if any loud noises will break the tender moment. His face was still hovering above Mark’s, kissing his cheeks between words.

“Of course, I can”

“It’s late we should just head home”

“Mine or yours?” Mark wiggled his eyebrows suggestively despite his lethargic movement to incline his chair to the right position. Jinyoung giggled at the warmth pooling in his stomach at the implication that he could be getting lucky tonight.

“Mine is closer” he quipped clearly excited.

 

-o0o-

 

“Jinyoung, try inhaling less loudly between words. I know this is a bit lower than your normal register but it sounds great if you minus the heavy breathing” Jaebum’s voice boom through the intercom of the rooms. Jinyoung was in the recording booth looking at the stern look on Jaebum’s face as he spoke from the other side.

“Alright” Jinyoung inhaled a deep breath as he adjusts the large headphones on his head. Jaebum was right. His singing was breathy. Jinyoung hears the music restart as he prepares himself for his cue; counting down with nods.

_We try staying up late but we both are light weights Yeah we get off our face, too easy_

A smile creeps on his face as he thinks of the date that had inspired that line. It was quite some time ago but Jinyoung has the image of Mark sleeping soundly at the driver’s seat with Christmas lights shining down on him was still clear in his mind.

_We're like two halves of one heart_

Jinyoung wills himself to focus on his breathing making sure to hit notes with precision but his mind ponders to his boyfriend. He can’t help but smile. _We are we are we are_

_You don't have to say, "I love you," to say I love you_

_Forget all the shooting stars and all the silver moons_

_We've been making shades of purple out of red and blue_

_Sickeningly sweet like honey, don't need money_

_All I need is you_

_All I need is you, you_

               

“That sounded perfect Jinyoung. Let’s take a break. Someone is impatient”

Jinyoung furrowed his eyebrows at Jaebum from the other room. Who was impatient? It certainly wasn’t him. He was about to barge in the door to scold Jaebum for reprimanding him when he clearly was eager to finish recording the whole song but the moment he swung the door open, he ends up wrapped in warm arms.

“Jinyoungie!” Air is knocked out of his lungs as Mark squeezes him so tight he is lifted off the ground.

“What are you doing here?” he wheezes.

“Just thought I’d surprise you” Mark said finally letting his arms lax around Jinyoung’s waist. He buried his nose in Jinyoung’s shoulder and shameless inhales.

“Aren’t you supposed to be at work?” Jinyoung asked as if annoyed that Mark had skipped work to be with him. But Mark knew him well enough that Jinyoung had a hard time expressing his delight and it was probably something to do with Jinyoung’s incapability to express positive reactions without the embarrassment. Jinyoung has a habit of covering it with sarcasm and snide comments but Mark simply nuzzles further into Jinyoung’s sweater.

“Please go be lovey dovey somewhere else” Jaebum grumbled, throwing a crumpled up paper in their direction. “You guys being all mushy disrupts the flow of musical inspiration in this room”

Mark laughed as he releases his boyfriend to grab the take out he had brought with him to the coffee table. Jinyoung and Jaebum move the scattered of music sheets and documents to make space for them to eat.

“So what song were you guys recording?” Mark asked as they finally settle to eat around the table.

“You weren’t supposed to listen to the songs until it has come out!” Jinyoung scolded, supporting his all winning pout.

“Jaebum didn’t seem to mind” Mark defended.

Jaebum snickered in pretend annoyance as he munched on his chicken. Once Jaebum was in front of food there was no point in making him talk. Jaebum would go on a rant about quality time with his food and he wouldn’t hesitate to remind them that ‘every moment of eating without full concentration is wasted’. Jaebum was passionate about his food more than anything.

“It sounded like a love song”

“It is” Jinyoung mumbled, trying hard to disguise suspiciousness.

“Is it about me?”

“Oh, is any song Jinyoung ever wrote is not about you Mark” Jaebum grumbled, rolling his eyes. Mark laughed as Jinyoung sends a warning glare toward Jaebum only to be ignored as Jaebum continued his lunch.

“I can’t wait to hear it” Mark chirped. He was supporting a proud smile that made Jinyoung’s heart do little flips. _How did I get so lucky?_

They finish their meal and Jaebum announces that he wants to go to the office for a moment. He doesn’t leave without warning them to behave.

“Any sex in this room is unforgivable” Jaebum said glaring at Mark. “I swear to god you guys won’t have my blessing if you cross that line”

“Ah just leave, GRANDPA!” Jinyoung shouts despite his flushed ears.

Jaebum finally leaves and Jinyoung busies himself with clearing up the mess they had made. Jinyoung could feel Mark staring at him and Jinyoung could already hear Mark telling him to just leave it for later. He could see the eye Mark was giving him and he didn’t even have to look.

“Why don’t you come sit with me, babe”

_Here we go_

“Let me just” Jinyoung starts but is immediately cut off by Mark. “It can wait, Jinyoung. I miss you. Come here”

Jinyoung stared at the pout on Mark’s face for a moment and it only takes him a second to set the plastic bag of trash he was collecting aside to join Mark on the couch. Mark immediately pulls him on his lap when Jinyoung is close enough. Jinyoung laughed as he allowed himself to be pulled in.

“I’ve missed you too” Jinyoung said, pressing a chaste kiss on Mark’s pink lips.

Time passes as they bask in each other’s company allowing their hands to roam familiar skin and lips to do their talking. But soon enough any step further, it would be too far gone and Jinyoung wasn’t really interested in Jaebum walking in on him dry humping his boyfriend or worst. So Jinyoung allows himself to snuggle into Mark’s embrace, hands wrapped around his sides. Mark’s hands laid rest on his butt cheeks, holding him in place.

“So I’m still curious about this song” Mark announced. “When do I get to hear it?”

Jinyoung stared at the round eyes that Mark has set on him and wondered if he should just let Mark wait like the rest of the people. But something in the way Mark was looking at him reminded him that this was Mark. He wasn’t like anyone else in his life.

So he hopped off of Mark’s lap, ignoring the whine that escaped Mark’s mouth. He grabbed the sheet of paper in the recording booth that had his lyrics printed out and hands it to Mark. He then takes a seat a little further from his boyfriend as Mark takes his time to read it. Jinyoung feels slightly nervous about it. He wants Mark to like the song.

“For him?” Mark’s brows knitted together.

It was a risky song title but it was a love song and Jinyoung thought of no better title. It had been an obvious choice since the running theme in his head as he wrote the song was a song for Mark. A song for the man he was so madly in love with. It was a song for him.

“Yes” Jinyoung nodded and firmly said “For him”

Mark cracked into a bright smile as his eyes continued to scan the lyrics. Jinyoung’s heart was positively erratic; nervous of judgment and the slight embarrassed at how happy Mark seemed to be. Mark finally sets the paper down and looked at Jinyoung. Mark lets his arm snake around Jinyoung’s back to hold him closer and he had that proud look in his eye that was going to make Jinyoung blush again.

“I have a question” Mark quipped, almost forcing Jinyoung to look at him. “Why ‘we’ll be making shades of purple out of red and blue’?”

Jinyoung chuckled slightly. It was a question that he had not been expecting. It was easily the lyric that came naturally to him when he wrote it because the meaning was so ingrained to him that he forgot that only he knew what it truly meant. Everyone else would probably think that it didn’t mean more than a metaphor for any other couple.

Jinyoung thought about his words for awhile before saying anything.

“Well I’m blue” he paused to look at the confused look Mark was sending him. “And you are red, so together we make purple”

Mark’s face quickly morphed into dissatisfaction. “I know you, Park Jinyoung. It means more than that, doesn’t it?”

Jinyoung laughed at being caught and tickled Mark teasingly about being so nosy. He lets Mark settle out of his fit of laughter and labored breathing before finally explaining.

“You were always associated with red in my life. Probably because when we first met that was the color of your hair and it was easily the color that caught my eye. And in every way you stood out. The glaring constant red in my life that demanded my attention no matter how many times I tried to deny you of it”

“And the person you are fits the color red perfectly. Impulsive, daring, honest and in every way attractive” Mark giggled at the comment but quiets down quickly for Jinyoung to continue. “And well, I am blue”

“There is a song called ‘blue’ and the title is from ‘I want you color me blue anything it takes to make you stay’. Since that day you walked out the door, it’s all I thought about”

Jinyoung saw the wince that Mark tried to mask in his expression when Jinyoung mentions the break up. Jinyoung can tell that Mark was still guilty about it but in more ways than one, it was for the better.

“I guess, what I’m trying to say is. I’m blue because since that day, I’ve been building myself to be perfect for you. And it’s not really a process that I planned but rather, it’s like life molded me so we could be what we are now”

Mark smiled. “Is it like, you grew up to finally be perfect for me?”

Jinyoung laughed but nodded, shyly.

“I think it’s the same for me” Mark whispered, inching his face closer to Jinyoung. “Everything I did in the past has prepared me for this moment”

_Sickeningly sweet like honey, don't need money_

_All I need is you All I need is you, you_

Their lips meet like it was overdue. They had spent their entirety dancing around each other’s lives; never leaving the peripheral of each other’s visions when apart and clashing immediately when close. Jinyoung had never thought that once the time was right, everything would fall into place so easily.

“I love you” Jinyoung breathed when their lips part and his eyes are still closed as he swallowed the ever growing want of the beautiful man in front of him.

“I thought you didn’t have to say I love to say I love you” Mark accused which earned him a little slap on his chest. Mark laughed loudly as he rubbed the sting of the slap away and Jinyoung thinks about how he had been waiting for this moment all his life. Life wasn’t perfect but he was simply content with the smile on Mark’s face and the warmth in his heart. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally. i am really sorry that this took so so so long. i'm not so good with fluff. and i hoped this didn't suck too much. 
> 
> i have been thinking about doing a few one shots in relation to this story line with other troye sivan songs that i haven't included. but that would be another story. thank you for reading this and bearing with my late updates. the support for this fic makes me truly happy. comments, kudos and subscriptions! THANK YOUUUUUUUUUU<3 you guys are welcome to comment and share what you think about my writing or the plot or whatever!
> 
> or if you guys prefer it, here is my [tumblr](http://got7doubleb.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> i may want to remind you that i make moodboards for this fic on my tumblr along with small drabbles. you can find that [here](https://got7doubleb.tumblr.com/tagged/mybnfic). 
> 
> p/s: the old links don't work because i'm too lazy to edit them. but for the time being i'm using a christmas url so right now it's gotsanta7.
> 
> p/p/s: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> EDIT: i'm got7doubleb now on tumblr. but i'm still gotsichi7 on twitter. so you're welcome to follow me or talk to me on both <3


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